Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Terror Fears Cause Bonfire Night Ban


The Government has today announced that all Bonfire Night celebrations are to be made illegal with immediate effect, after concerns were raised about National Security and cohesion.

The news comes after the Security Service, MI5, uncovered a plot by a terror group in Yorkshire to burn an effigy of the Prime Minister, in contravention of the 'Making Gordon Brown Look A Twat Act 2008'. Seven arrests in the case have so far been made, and police sources confirm that their searches uncovered material linked to similar offences in a series of dawn raids throughout the country.

The arrests follow the release of research by left-leaning Think Tank the Centre for Bullshit Research, which identified a number of 'grave risks to national cohesion' in the annual celebration of the Gunpowder Plot.

Speaking from the Ministry of Love, Justice Minister Laventiy Straw said, "the information we have received proves that Bonfire Night poses a clear and present threat to National Security. Firstly, we have the fact that the perpetrator of the Plot, one Guy Fawkes, was a terrorist himself, and was attempting to incite religious hatred. It is right, therefore, that we avoid any resurgence of the Protestant/Catholic schism of 1605 in this nation today. Secondly, those who take part in this celebration of terrorism have access to explosive materials, and as such are immediately guilty of two offences under the Prevention of Terrorism Act. Anyone, therefore, caught in possession of fireworks will be subject to arrest and indefinite detention in Belmarsh Prison.

"Thirdly, the Gunpowder Plot was an attempt to blow up the seat of democracy in this great nation. Its remembrance means that the people of Britain are not showing sufficient gratiftude and love to their Democratically-elected Labour leaders. It's like supporting Al-Qaeda. These anti-democratic demonstrations must be stopped. Finally, these gatherings are unsafe for children, because there might be paedophiles in the crowd. Honest."

Mr Straw added that gatherings around bonfires were also subject to controls under the Public Order Act because, he said, "the bonfires are in breach of laws on peaceful demonstration, and these gatherings in support of terror can no longer be countenanced".

Under the new Government ruling, all gatherings will be banned from November 1-10. During this period, specially-constituted combined squads of anti-terror PCSO's and firemen will be patrolling towns and cities, with a mandate to extinguish any bonfires, disband those attending and arrest anyone in possession of a sparkler.

Inspired by this piece of Nanny-statism.


Remittance Girl said...

You, sir, are a very funny man.

Joe Public said...

And no mention of Elf 'n Safety. Yet.

banned said...

Your take on government style pronouncements leads me to believe that you must have been one of 'them'; it is so realistic.

Actually they did ban it, 10 years ago.
Bonfire Night Banned

Frankly given the number of angles for righteous attack I am very puzzled about why it has not yet been entirely outlawed. HealthnSafety, Terrorism, Pedos, Food Hygiene, possession of explosives, public order and etc as you mention.