Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Truth in a Labour Poster

Dungeekin is on holiday. Normal service resumes 4 May.

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One Minute of Labour

Dungeekin is on holiday. Normal service resumes 4 May.

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Thursday, April 29, 2010

A Message from Gordon Brown

h/t Man Widdicombe.

Dungeekin is on holiday. Normal service resumes 4 May.

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When Brown Says He'll Cut the Deficit....

..... Think long and hard about this.

h/t Iain Dale.

Dungeekin is on holiday. Normal service resumes 4 May.

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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Estoy tomando unas vacaciones

And while I'm depressurising on a beach something like the one above, I shall be resolutely offline. No email, no phone, no tv, no newspapers. No politics.


Back Tuesday, and don't let Gordon touch anything while I'm gone.

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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Ikea Introduce Political Kitchens

Swedish furniture maker Ikea has entered the political fray with a range of kitchens designed for MPs of each party, it was announced today.

The new designs, which will be available in all UK Ikea outlets, are designed to reflect 'the lifestyles and aspirations of each political party', according to an Ikea spokesman.

The range, which will be on sale until May 7th, includes:

The Kamerun, for Conservative voters and MPs, is manufactured from solid material to high standards, and prior kitchens in the range have provided sterling service for almost twenty years. The cupboard fronts and working surfaces have had their look improved recently. The Kamerum comes with a free coat-rack for your top hat and tails, and is built on a larger scale than the other two to provide room for your domestic staff to work. The Kamerun is the only kitchen in the range where cost of ownership will decrease over the years.

The Kleggi, designed for Liberal Democrats. Built to an EU-mandated design, the Kleggi at first glance appears actually to be completely different to any kitchen currently on the market, until you look closer and realise it's just got pretty cupboard-fronts. The Kleggi is marketed as having full compatibility with both the Brün and Kamerun designs, though the actual list of compatibility requirements make it difficult to achieve.

Finally the Brün kitchen is intended for Labour supporters. Designed from the outset with wonky hinges, it is fitted with appliances which have amazing specifications but which don't actually work and costs fourteen times more than you're originally quoted for it. Though when you first choose it it appears amazing, you'll quickly discover it's poorly-constructed, and when it falls apart after about ten years you'll have a devil of a job to get it out of the house.

A spokesman for Ikea said, "although we believe the biggest overall seller in the range will be the Kamerun, we've seen a lot of interest in the Kleggi. However, we expect that interest to dissipate once buyers realise that it's simply another version of the Brün with a more tasteful front."

Ikea also confirmed that they will be releasing a 'Gryffun' kitchen for BNP voters, which will include a Fisher-Price play cooker and only be available in white.

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Man Of La Manse

So it appears that 'Colostomy' Brown believes he can 'dream the impossible dream'.

Well, he's kept the nation in a nightmare since 1997, so I guess anything's possible...

ConservativeHome also picked up the delusional lunacy of the PM , saying, "when Gordon Brown volunteers to identify himself with Don Quixote, there really is nothing left for satirists to do..."

Au contraire.

To dream the impossible dream,
To stay, when all want me to go,
To spend, even more than I borrow,
To bring the economy low,

To claim that I've never been wrong,
To claim I've been Prudent thus far,
To try, though the nation is weary,
To keep hold of all of my power,

This is my Quest,
To hold on to power,
No matter how useless,
The proles say we are,

To trample your rights,
and make thousands of laws,
To be willing to sacrifice Balls,
For my leadership cause,

And I know even third place will do,
Though the proles will protest,
I'll keep causing Great Britain harm,
As I'm power-obsessed,

And the voters will suffer for this,
That one half blind wonky-jawed arse,
Still strove with his meaningless message,
To hold on to all of his power!

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Monday, April 26, 2010

Shock over Lib Dem 'Fakes'

Lib-Dem 'Leader' acting a part.

The Liberal Democrats have come under fire again, after it transpired that their 'party leader' was in fact simply an actor dressed up as a politician.

The admission comes just days after revelations that a 'police officer' seen talking to Welsh Lib Dem leader Kirsty Williams was in fact a fake, and that a 'nurse' pictured in a Lib Dem leaflet was actually an employee of a Welsh Assembly Member.

Sources within the Liberal Democrats have admitted to The Diary that so-called Nick Clegg, who has been appearing around the country and on television as the Lib Dem leader, is in fact a journeyman actor whose prior roles have included a cameo in Coronation Street and 'second corpse from the left' in an episode of Casualty. He was offered the role of 'Party Leader' after Vince Cable saw him play a particularly good Baron Hardup in pantomime in Twickenham.

A spokesman for the Liberal Democrats said, "the appearance of a leader is used for illustrative purposes to highlight our policies, and what action we would take in Government if we had a leader. In our election campaign, we are only using an illustrative leader to highlight how incredibly different we are from the other two parties. Honest."

The spokesman pointed out that the use of an actor as apparent leader of a political party was not unknown, given that everyone is aware Labour leader Gordon 'Colostomy' Brown is Peter Mandelson's glove puppet.

The true identity of the actor playing Nick Clegg remains unknown, though there are rumours that prior to auditioning for the role he was a Conservative Party activist. However, it is believed that he will end his season after polling day on May 6, in order to take up a supporting role in a Ray Cooney farce in Blackpool. His agent pointed out that 'in all honesty, it won't be a great deal different to campaigning for the Limp Dumbs.'

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Saturday, April 24, 2010

A Future without Fear or Apathy

John Demetriou has written eloquently of his despair at the current parlous state of our nation.

I sympathise with his sentiments - but I disagree with his conclusion.

Unlike JD, I haven't worked abroad - in my 39 years I've spent 23 working full-time in various careers, both in and out of uniform, and I've watched from the sidelines as in the last thirteen of those years the country I served and believed in disintegrated.

JD speaks of fairness, and like me notes that 'fairness' is a meaningless concept used only to deny and demean hope and aspiration, to drag everybody down to the same base level. Our 'legal system' has been made 'fair' also - used to achieve the same end. to make the law-abiding victim suffer and the 'poor, deprived' criminal safe.

John tells of returning to a surveillance state, a country of "ID cards, databases, DNA retention and anti-Terror laws. A place where "new 'Hate Crime' laws were in place so that people were criminalised for speaking words that were unpleasant towards certain minorities.". A land of "Health and Safety laws, green environment rules and taxes".

He misses, however, the connection between all these things - the connection between the use of fear to keep a population quiescent and cooperative, and the twisting of fairness to halt the desire for something better.

The link between the two - and make no mistake, it is a calculated process used by the Left since their ascent to power in 1997 - is the creation of apathy.

And it's worked.

We've become afraid to speak out, to say, "NO. We do NOT consent to be governed in this way." We daren't speak out for ourselves - the decent, hard-working people, raising our children as best we can despite the best efforts of the State to create functional illiterates of our offspring, doing our utmost to provide against the ever-encroaching taxation and costs that blight our lifestyles while the nomenklatura enjoy their expenses, hoping against hope we don't get kicked to death in the streets or burned to death in our homes by the feral mob created by the ubiquity of Labour's benefits system.

And because we were afraid to do so, we have begun to believe that there's no point in doing so. We've even allowed ourselves to become convinced that a Hung Parliament (note the recent spin twisting 'Hung' to 'Balanced') could be good for this nation. How? Even if you believe that by some miracle a Hung Parliament will not return Labour to the corridors of power they've abused for so long, how will a knife-edge balance of power, when all the politicians will be solely focused on retaining their own influence and power-base, make the hard and painful decisions that must be taken to repair this nation?

We've allowed ourselves to be convinced by the Left that somehow the true alternative to this systematic destruction of our society, our civil liberties, our finances and our children would be worse. How? How can it be worse than the last thirteen years? HOW?

Unlike JD, I do believe there is a solution. Unlike JD, I do believe there is hope.

Unlike JD, I do believe that a Conservative Government, with a strong majority, can begin to roll back the tide and begin to restore this country to something like it used to be.

There is something that can be done. There is something that you, me, JD and everyone can do. You can make a difference.

If like me, you look at your country and you want it back, then take responsibility and take action.

Vote for Change.

Vote Conservative.

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Friday, April 23, 2010

Respec'. Innit.

The worthy Mr Jahom has seen his comments field become a river of flame for this article concerning the late Anthony Kershaw, murdered* while drunkenly urinating through somebody's letterbox*.

There are many opinions on this.

Some believe Mr Kershaw got what was coming to him, following the all-too-regular campaign of bullying, intimidation and general thuggery inflicted on the man who eventually killed him. They have a point, of course. Others believe that he didn't deserve what happened, just for urinating on someone's door. And of course, they're absolutely right too. Anthony Kershaw should not have lost his life.***

Still others (mostly those who knew Mr Kershaw) have spoken of a 'Jack the Lad' character, who was 'loved and respected' by those who knew him. They have demanded that those commenting on Al Jahom's page 'show some respect'. And there, dear reader, is the topic.


Respect is one of those words that, like 'fairness', is bandied around all the time by people with little, if any, understanding as to its meaning. And it's especially popular with the more feral members of our society***.

Those commenting negatively about Mr Kershaw's actions were told to 'have some respect'. Mr Kershaw himself was, apparently, loved and respected. In other stories, we read of the 'gang culture' and the shootings in our towns, cities and sink estates - people, frequently young, losing their lives for the crime of 'disrespect'.

And yet like 'fairness' and 'democracy' have become meaningless multisyllables, the true, real, genuine meaning of respect is largely lost to those who scream the word the loudest.

It seems to me that to the word has morphed until for chavs and the like, 'respect' relates to how feared you are among your peer group - a sort of scumbag analogue of the Mohs Scale. You get respect because you're 'ard. Tasty. Nobody messes, yeah, coz you'll fuck 'em right up, cut 'em, yeah? Innit.

But that isn't respect.

You'll hear chavs, assorted idiots and 'gangstas' spouting drivel about how 'respect has to be earned', still thinking it's theirs to demand, to take by force.

That isn't respect.

Respect - and I am referring to respect between adults here, not the more heirarchical nature of that between children and adults - does indeed have to be earned, but it is not earned by your toughness, your ability to sink pints or how intimidating you can be to passers-by. It's gained only by the worth of your character - and, specifically, by how much respect you accord to others.

So to those Rochdalians who have been defending Mr Kershaw's actions, consider this: if you want to be a 'loved and respected' person, fine. Be respected for recognising that it's disrespectful to arse about loudly outside another individual's home. Recognise that it's disrespectful to refuse to move on when asked to do so by another homeowner. And recognise that it's certainly disrespectful - in the extreme - to urinate through someone's letterbox.

To be respectable is to act with basic levels of consideration for the people around you. To fail in that most basic of requirements renders you unworthy of the term.
Why should those who are defending Mr Kershaw expect him to be respected? Why also should they expect to be respected themselves? Did he, in any way, treat Mr Williams with the respect he himself demanded? Are those defending him looking at what he did as in any way disrespectful? No, they are not. So they should not expect respectful treatment when none was given by the deceased.

No, Anthony Kershaw shouldn't have died as a result of his actions. But those who are claiming he was respected should examine his deeds, consider how they would react were someone to do the same to them - and realise that calling him 'respected' makes a meaningless mockery of the word and the concept.

** Unless he'd actually forced his way through the door, in which case all bets are off.
*&* I use the term in its loosest possible sense.

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Scientists Rush to Observe Chav Phenomenon

A breeding quad of Chavvus Inarticulatus in their natural habitat.

A team of the world's experts in animal behaviour and psychology are rushing to the UK today, after the discovery of a rare phenomenon in the animal kingdom.

The news that a grouping of Chavvus Inarticulatus, in frenzy, has been seen in the wild in the UK has had many of the world's leading primate experts rushing to the scene to study these feral creatures in an unnatural habitat.

Naturalist and television presenter David Attenborough said, "the presence of a rage-frenzy of C. Inarticulatus is a rare and special sight and one that linguo-anthropologists and behavioural analysts will value for minutes – if not hours.

"It is not a sight that is commonly witnessed by experts, as when viewing feral chavs in their natural habitat most experts have had their heads kicked in before they've been able to make detailed observations."

The research team, from the Paleoanthropology Unit at St Twat’s College Oxford, are cancelling their long-running research into tribal warfare in the Congo to study the creatures' behaviour, believing there is evidence of ‘the missing link’ between the animal and human kingdoms.

Research Leader Andrew Apeprodder said, "we are certain that the rage display - showing C. Inarticulatus at the height of their Stella-induced tribal fury - will be invaluable in defining just how many chromosomes are missing between humans and chavs. We are especially interested in the mental processes relating to behavioural justification, specifically how anybody who can urinate through someone elses' letterbox can even be a member of Homo Sapiens, much less a 'loved and respected member of Rochdale'.

Further researchers from the Jane Goodall Institute are also to join the team. A spokesman said that it made sense to give up on gorillas for the opportunity to study these 'more basic and far more antisocial' anthropoids.

The Diary (carefully*) approached a spokesthing for the C. Inarticulatus mob, who said, "u cn jst fck of coz its respec innit, he wuz only pissing fru that blks letrbox an hes as much rite 2 do that as he wants and he was proper cul and a daddy n fings so sho sum respec yea? Innit."

* And carrying large quantities of Stella and Elizabeth Duke jewellery to placate the animals.

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Thursday, April 22, 2010

Clegg Promises Party Donation Reform

Clegg: "my hands are clean. My bank account, on the other hand...."

Liberal Democrat Messiah Nick Clegg has promised a 'radical reform' of the way political parties are funded, as he attempts to cement the Lib Dem's recent upswing in the opinion polls.

Speaking from the Liberal Democrat Battlebus en-route to Bristol for tonight's X-Factor Leaders Debate, His Holiness said that the country needed 'total reform' of the system of political donations, following controversies such as 'cash for honours' and the non-dom scandals.

Mr Clegg said, "we need change and the other two parties will not provide it. Only the Liberal Democrats can provide the honesty and integrity needed for a political donation system that is completely above board. Unlike the other two, who can't, because they're the other two and I, Nick Clegg, am not like the other two at all. Honest.

"Therefore, when I am Prime Minister I will introduce a new political system whereby I will take responsibility for donations to political parties. Simply pay the money into my personal bank account and it can rest there until I allocate it in accordance with the will of the people. I won't benefit in any way from, say, the interest or cashflow benefits of Party donations in my personal account. Oh, no. Honest. Because you can trust me. I'm Nick Clegg. I'm not like the other two - I'm whiter than white."

The Diary attempted to speak to senior Lib Dem sources for their comment, but couldn't hear them over the din of their political hopes crashing around them.

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Friday, April 16, 2010

National Union of Journalists Announce Strike Ballot

Susanna Reid: "severe tongue injury".

The National Union of Journalists has announced that it is to ballot its members for strike action, according to Union sources.

The NUJ says it is taking the action on behalf of its members who are TV newsreaders, amid a bitter wrangle over having to say the name of the Icelandic volcano, Eyjafjallajoekull, repeatedly during rolling coverage.

The volcano, which has erupted twice in the last month and produced a cloud of volcanic ash that has grounded flights across the UK and northern Europe, is the subject of significant television coverage on UK news channels and the NUJ are demanding additional 'pronunciation payments' to cover glottal damage caused by repeatedly having to stumble through the volcano's name.

A spokesman for the Campaign for Plain English, who are supporting the NUJ action, said, "the expectation that journalists should have to repeatedly pronounce Eyjaflll.... Edgyfalafel... Eyjyfuckalittle... that Icelandic volcano is a cruel and unusual punishment for any newsreader, especially as they tend to be chosen more for their decorativeness than their linguistic talents. Eamonn Holmes excepted of course - but then he doesn't count as an English-speaker anyway.

"We at the NUJ believe that the additional payments are justifiable to cover the injuries our newsreaders are suffering trying to pronounce Eyjafllllll...Eyj....Eyjahfuckit, the name of the volcano. Just yesterday, struggling to say that word caused severe muscle damage to Susanna Reid's tongue, significantly inconveniencing her husband."

Foreign Secretary David Millipede has called for restraint from the NUJ, but agreed that the name of the volcano was difficult to pronounce. He said, "the Foreign Office sympathises with our brave newsreaders in this instance, and we are negotiating with the Icelandic Government to rename Ey...the volcano 'Gordon' in recognition of its explosive nature and the damage it's doing to the UK economy."

However, the Icelandic Government have rejected UK calls for the volcano to be renamed. Iceland's Ambassador to the UK, Kerry Katona Mr. Benedikt Jónsson, said, "Þeir geta ríða strax. It's okkar eldfjall , ef þeir don't eins og the nafn þá þessi þeirra vandamál. Bollocks."

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Public Notices

The happy couple pucker up.

Published in today's Grauniad:

Notice of Engagement

Mr & Mrs L Democrat, of Little-Sitting on the Fence, Bucks, are delighted to announce the engagement of their daughter Nicky to Mr J G Brown, son of Mr & Mrs L Abour of The Taxbill, Herts.

Miss Clegg and Mr Brown are to marry at St Polling's Church on Thursday 6 May, after which they will be honeymooning in Loss before moving to live in Ignominy-in-the-Wasteland, just outside Kirkcaldy.

Please note that the couple have not published a Wedding List. Donations should instead be made to the National Debt. All those not wishing to donate should note that donations will be taken through the tax system.

We wish Miss Clegg and Mr Brown a long future together in Ignominy.


Miss Clegg will be given away by her father Vince, and Gordon's little brothers Ed and David Millepede will be bridesmaids.

Ms H Harperson is to be Matron of Honour.

We understand that the husband of Jacqui Smith will be doing the photos - but we're not sure he's quite got the right idea yet.

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Government Orders Review of Ash Crisis

The Government has ordered an emergency review to respond to the closure of all UK airspace, following the eruption of a volcano in Iceland.

The eruption of Eyjafjallajoekull - the second eruption from the volcano in a month - has thrown a vast cloud of volcanic ash thousands of feet into the sky and continues to pump more ash and smoke. Prevailing winds has blown the ash southward over the UK and Europe, and has led to the grounding of all flights within the UK and northern Europe amid fears the glass and sand contained in the ash will damage aircraft engines.

Responding to the crisis, British Prime Minister Colostomy Brown has announced an urgent review of methods of handling the ash cloud currently hanging over the UK.

Minister for Volcanic Ash Removal, Lord Fondlebum of Fey, said, "this is a clear and immediate crisis for the UK. The grounding of flights directly impacts on our economy, and comes at a critical time when the recovery is in its infancy. It is right that we act, and act swiftly, to minimise the impact of this ash cloud on our nation."

The review, which is to be chaired by Lord Chilcot, will commence once he finishes his current whitewashing job.

Though the full terms of reference for the review have not yet been published, it is understood that the review will assess methods of dispersing the ash cloud, and study the viability of a proposal to use giant fans to blow the ash cloud over a country we don't like very much. However, environmental groups have rejected this proposal, pointing out that it's already mostly hanging over Scotland.

Mr Brown has also confirmed that the review will consider the financial and healthcare implications of the ash cloud, and that the Government will be implementing a 'windfall tax' on all fresh uncontaminated air in the next few weeks to cover the financial losses incurred in the closure of British airspace.

Further postings to the Ash Review will be announced in the coming weeks, and and its findings are expected sometime in late 2014.

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Leader's Debate: Exclusive Poll Results

The Liberal Democrats saw their chances of seizing power in the General Election take a sharp upturn last night, after pundits agreed that their leader, er . . . em . . . whatsisname, gave by far the best performance in the first of three televised Debates.

In an exclusive poll for The Diary, taken in the minutes following the Debate*, viewers solidly indicated that they had been most impressed with 'that bloke on the left', with almost 22% actually knowing who on earth he was.

One elector said, "I thought that bloke with the yellow tie - what was his name, tip of my tongue...Vince, was it? No, Nick. That's it. Nick Griffin, I think, right? He was dead good, he said everything people wanted to hear. I was especially impressed with how he he promised everyone a pony if he became Prime Minister."

Our pollsters also found that Conservative Leader David Cameron had given a steady performance, doing a good job of defending himself against a two-pronged attack from both Gordon Brown and . . er. . him, you know. Bloke on the left, from the little lot.

There was less praise for Labour Leader Colostomy Brown, however, despite him having reportedly spent several nights mass debating with Peter Mandelson. Our poll indicated that 98% of viewers believe he remains a wonky-jawed halfwit with an even more slender grip on reality than he has on power.

Insomniacs across the nation are now eagerly awaiting the second debate next week, when Mr . . um . . you know, Lib Dem leader . . Mr Cable is expected to announce that a vote for the Limperal Dumbocrats will mean that everybody can have free Viagra and a two-inch longer penis.

* Sample size 7 individuals, unweighted. Except for the fat bloke. He was seriously weighted.

Results: Colostomy Brown (Labour): 2%
David Cameron (Conservative): 20%
That bloke from the other lot (Limp Dumbs): 22%

Who are you, and why are you phoning me up? (No affiliation): 56%

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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Harry Potter and the Labour Fourth Term

Harry sat dejectedly on Platform 8 3/4, waiting for the delayed arrival of the stopping service to Michael Foot Community College and trying to avoid the pointed looks from the gang of feral Muggle pupils spray-painting obscenities on the platform walls.

"Gosh", thought Harry. "Hogwarts has really changed since it was denied its fee-paying status and merged with a failing inner-city comprehensive."

Looking up, Harry's eyes lit up and he grabbed his wand as he saw Hermione making her way along the platform toward him, deftly dodging the Muggles' thrown beer-cans. Then, he remembered the CCTV cameras and hurriedly stuffed his wand back into his trousers.

"Gosh, Hermione", said Harry, hoping she hadn't noticed his protruding wand. "You look glum, what's the matter?"

"It's the classes this term", said Hermione, absently stroking her pussy. "I had hoped to do Advanced Potions this year, but Mr Balls at the Ministry says that it would be elitist and unfair, so I have to do double Muggle Rights instead."

Just then, there was a great commotion, and Harry spied Ron and Ginny Weasley dashing along Platform 8 3/4 toward him, with Mrs Weasley hurrying along behind, more flustered than ever before.

"Gosh, Mrs Weasley", said Harry. "You look flustered!"

"Hello Harry, hello Hermione", gasped Mrs Weasley. "I'm all at sixes and sevens - we've just had to walk here. Mr Weasley's car's broken down again and we can't afford to get it repaired. Shame we never did get that married-person's tax break - we'd have been able to repair that old banger then! Oh well, mustn't grumble!

Eventually, the train arrived and Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys struggled on board. They tried to find their usual first-class carriage but it was full of MPs, so settled for a corner of the cramped Standard Class, taking it in turns to sit in the single available seat.

"Hello Harry, Hermione, Ron!", said the friendly buffet-trolley attendant - at least, Harry thought that was what he said, but since the attendant was a Kyrgyzstani illegal immigrant who spoke not a word of English, Harry simply replied with a friendly nod.

"Gosh, Harry!", piped Ron. "They've got masses of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans! Shall we get some?"

"Not this time, Ron", said Harry gloomily. "The death taxes on my parents estate has left me with no money for tuck this term."

After three delays due to failed signals, the train finally pulled up at Michael Foot Community College, and Harry, Hermione and Ron saw Hagrid waiting for them. He smiled as they approached, but his smile was tinged with sadness.

"Gosh, Hagrid!", exclaimed Harry as he approached. "It's so good to see you, I'm looking forward to lots of adventures with you this term."

"Sorry 'Arry", rumbled Hagrid. "I won't be at the school no more. Mister Benn at the Ministry found out about me keeping Buckbeak, which violated the laws on hunting with animals. So I couldn't get me CRB check, so I've been fired."

"Gosh", said Harry. "Oh dear."

Leaving their bags in the dorms, Harry and Ron rushed downstairs and into the Assembly Hall, where Dumbledore was waiting for them.

"Hello to one and all", boomed Dumbledore. "This is a new start for us here at Hog...sorry...Michael Foot Community College.

"For the first time in the history of the school, your classmates will include Muggles, as Mr Balls at the Ministry has determined that selection on the premise of magical ability is discriminatory and unfair. As a result, your original classes in 'Potions' will be replaced by PHSE, 'Spells and Hexes' by Human Rights, and 'Defence Against the Dark Arts' by Citizenship."

A hubbub broke out among the pupils, and Harry stared in shock as where Professor Snape had always sat, there sat now a stern-looking OFSTED inspector, busily taking notes.

Dumbledore silenced the hubbub with a stern look, and continued, "Those of you undertaking your O.W.L's this year will now be taking 11 GCSE's in Muggle subjects instead, and I am assured that in order to achieve the requisite national statistics for education quality, you will all receive A* grades regardless. Not that it will make any difference, as Mrs Balls...sorry...Mrs Cooper at the Ministry tells us there are no jobs available anyway. Those leaving at the end of this term" - Dumbledore's piercing eyes settled on Harry and Ron - "will be pleased to know that you will be receiving double Social Citizenship training this term, in order that you can fill in the relevant forms and claim the benefits to which you are immediately entitled upon leaving school."

"Gosh", said Harry. "No money for me, no tax breaks for the Weasleys, no Hagrid because of silly laws, no O.W.L's and now no more magic."

Harry looked at the students around him - bright children of all ages, whose talents were to go to waste thanks to the rules, regulations and waste of the Ministry. All those children - and none of them had a magical future any more.

"Gosh", said Harry. "I wish my silly bitch of an author had voted Conservative."

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14 Hurt at Lib Dem Manifesto Launch

14 people were taken to hospital this morning, following the launch of the Liberal Dumbemocrats General Election Manifesto.

The injured, which included three Party activists, five hardened political journalists and two old ladies who thought they were attending a jumble sale, were all taken to the A&E Unit at Guys' Hospital*. All those hurt in the incident were treated for exposure to toxic futility, and subsequently discharged - though one has since been returned to hospital having contracted MRSA during their treatment.

The incident occurred approximately fifteen minutes into the Lib Dem presentation of their Manifesto, when several members of the audience reported symptoms of an existential crisis, sparked by their presence at the launch.

One attendee said, "it was awful. Vince Cable had done his usual Nostradamus bit, as usual, and had actually spoken quite well. A couple of the journalists in the front row had been so excited that they'd stopped snoring. Then Nick Clegg got up and started speaking, and that's when it all went wrong.

"Within a couple of minutes, the sense of complete hopelessness filled the air. I mean, forget the Manifesto - he could've been reading a Mr Men book for all the difference it'll make to the Election. I just started thinking, "Oh God, why am I here? What's the point, really, when all's said and done?", and that's all I can remember until I woke up in the ambulance."

Sources close to the Lib Dem leadership confirmed that Mr Clegg had, in fact, been reading extracts from 'Mr. Nonsense', after an unfortunate mix-up the previous night had led to his children enduring 45 minutes of specious and meaningless tax waffle in lieu of a bedtime story. However, the spokesman insisted that given the Lib Dem's chances of power, it really didn't matter what Mr Clegg read out, as nobody outside the party would be listening anyway.

A spokesman subsequently confirmed that there had been 'an unfortunate incident', but strongly denied those hurt had been suffering from the recognition of an utterly hopeless cause, instead insisting that the injured had merely been 'swooning at the power of Nick Clegg's rhetoric'.

The Electorate was too disinterested to comment.

*and subsequently transferred to the nearest Accident & Emergency Unit that hasn't been closed down yet, just outside Leicester.

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On Fairness

I've had a crack at this before, but with the Manifestos now on the streets, it's time to revisit.

Dungeekin Minor is, as you may be aware, rapidly approaching his fifth birthday. And like every almost five-year-old, he rather likes to get his own way. And of course, when he doesn't get his own way, then there follows the oft-heard cry of, "but it's not FAIR, Daddy!".

And that's what I hear when politicians and the right-on brigade wibble endlessly about 'a fair society', 'a fair deal', 'fairness for all' and whatever other meaningless platitude they can shoehorn the word into. They think chanting a mantra of fairness makes them sound caring and inclusive.

It doesn't. It makes them sound like a besuited 'Kevin the Teenager'*. Add a few spots and some greasy hair and the impression would be perfect.

I am sick to the back teeth of this constant bleating about 'fairness'. Life is not fair. It never has been and it never will be.

'Fairness' is an abstract concept - a construct of academics (for whom 'fairness' means secure tenure), an ideological cant for PPE and sociology students (for whom 'fairness' means their beer and tuition fees are covered by the taxpayer), and a meaningless soundbite for those same students when they become politicians or quangocrats (when 'fairness' means an undeservedly high salary, mink-lined pension pot and unlimited expenses). 'Fairness' does not take into account human nature.

Is it 'fair' that The Darling G and I work hard (in the case of G, well above 80 hours per week), save, invest and work our way up the property ladder? Labour and the Lib Dems seem to think that it's unfair for us to do that - we're trampling on the faces of the low-paid, and there's no way we can deserve what we have. So they insist on taking more than their share in tax to make it 'fairer'. And it goes to people like the Daveys.

Is it 'fair' that someone can choose to quit their job and live on benefits - I say that again, CHOOSE to live on taxpayer's money** - while breeding with the profligacy of a feral creature, expecting us to pick up the tab? Or is it 'fairer' for the wider population to say to freeloaders such as these, "NO. Once you've exhausted the contribution you (briefly) made to the National Insurance system, that's your lot."

The only truly 'fair' system would be a flat, State-paid income whatever your employment, mandated and state-supplied clothing, vehicles and recreation. Oh, and you'd have to place a limit on procreation, too, as it would be unfair for people to get 'more' simply by breeding. But we know that (thankfully) that's not going to happen, for the simple reason that it's completely unworkable in practice. And inherently unfair, in fact, as it stifles human aspiration.

Instead, the politicians promise 'fairness' when in fact they mean nothing like it - because nothing like it exists. Fairness is personal.

So, politicians - stop ranting on about 'fairness'. Life isn't fair, something that every child learns when they're the age of Dungeekin Minor. Conceptual 'fairness' doesn't take into account individuals. So the only truly fair thing you can do is butt out, and let us get on with our own lives in the way we deem best.

And stop giving my money to sponging wasters like the Daveys.

* Especially when the whining comes from the Limperal Dumbocrats, who have even less chance of getting their own way than Dungeekin Minor.
** H/T to Al Jahom, who does the sweary bit much, much better than I can about these freeloading wasters.

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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Vote Labour Instead!

I see that Tom Harris has sharpened* his sarcasm pencil, and had a crack at satirising the Conservative Manifesto.

So....right back atcha, Tom. Let's have a little lookie at your spoof, and see what comes up, shall we?

DAVID Cameron today unveiled a new blueprint for empowering voters: “British citizens have had enough of top-down, ‘the state knows best’, government. People want to take back control of their lives. That’s why today we’re unveiling our new DIY government. “Pestered by yobs out in the street? Disappointed at a slow police response to your phone calls? A Conservative government will issue everyone with state-of-the-art body armour and water cannon, so you can start to protect your own neighbourhood and home. Specially-trained and cruelly-raised Alsation dogs will be issued as resources allow.

Vote Labour instead! You won't get any police around, because they'll be too tied-up filling in the 37 different risk-assessment forms they need to complete before putting on a helmet, strapping on a stab-vest or opening the door to the panda car, even before they assess whether they should attend as criminals on-site may put them at risk.

If you're lucky, though, they might send a Pseudoplod. That's if you call 999 - the non-emergency number isn't operating outside working hours.

And if, by some incredible freak of chance, the little scrote burgling your house is arrested, he can't go to a YOI (as it would infringe his rights as a yong person), he can't be sent to prison (as there aren't any places left), and Government sentencing guidelines means that he'll only get a Community Order longer than 200 hours if he actually beat your wife to death with your pet cat. And of course if you give him a well-earned clout in the commission of his crime, you'll be the one in front of the beak because you're a nasty homeowning Capitalist and he's a poor, deprived benefits-claimant because Thatcher stole his milk.

Labour will implement a new targeting system, ensuring that the list of reportable crimes is carefully managed to show you, the British people, how crime is falling. It'll give your relatives something to read while you're in the funeral home.

Don't vote for personal responsibility. Vote Labour instead - tough on crime statistics, tough on the victims of crime.

“Not confident that your children are receiving the best education from your local comprehensive? The Conservatives will allow you finally to give up your job and retrain as a home educator. A Tory government will run its own, specially condensed three-week degree courses in ‘English’, ‘Mathematics’ and ‘Global Warming – Seriously?’ so you can qualify as a teacher and take responsibility for your children’s own education. And no Big Brother inspector-type will have the power to stop you teaching your kids that the earth is 6000 years old, that dinosaurs existed until the mid-1950s and that the stork plays a much bigger role in procreation than was previously assumed.

Vote Labour instead! None of this home-teaching or 'education' rubbish.

Under Labour, we'll ensure that your children learn about Fairtrade before they learn about handwriting. Our core Geography curriculum, for example will open your children's minds to the wonders of the world while reminding them that the only good countries are ones like Cuba, which has excellent healthcare, and that Britain would of course had the same if Thatcher hadn't stolen the milk.

Evolution? Intelligent Design? Global Warming? Labour has the answer to all the questions posed by independent inquiring minds - by removing the independence and the inquiry. By the time we've finished with your child at 18, under a Labour Government, they'll have 26 A* GCSE's, 7 A* A-Levels, functional illiteracy and any sense of responsibility replaced with the sense of entitlement fostered in our 'citizenship' courses. And they'll get a guaranteed place to read 'Big Brother Studies' at University, and the right to submit essays and theses in txt spk.

All this we will achieve through the use of top-down targets, which have worked so well in the last thirteen years, and we will produce lots of statistics to prove to you that under Labour, every single child in Britain is in fact a genius.

Don't vote for individuality. Vote Labour instead, and give your children the chance you never had to live, thick and unquestioning, on benefits for their entire lives.

“Scared by the prospect of international nuclear proliferation? Worry no more! We’ll give you and your neighbours all the resources you need to build your own nuclear weapons, without interference from these busy-body non-proliferation treaties and goody two-shoes like President Obama. Iran won’t dare threaten number 12 Cedar Grove without thinking twice, then, eh?

Vote Labour instead! Becuase we're fully committed to nuclear non-proliferation, and to give up one of our Trident submarines as part of a 'global grand bargain' on disarmament. Except when we're actually in a vital constituency, when we're not. Er...

Oh, and you can trust us on conventional forces too. Under Labour we can guarantee (inasfar as Labour Manifesto promises are legally binding) that we won't commit British Forces to a non-UN sanctioned invasion on the basis of trumped-up, sexed up and fabricated evidence. Then whitewash the Inquiries. And gag the troops in the runup to a General Election. Honest. Thatcher! Remember her?

“Now, I know that some people are suspicious about my record on the NHS, what with me inventing the Patient’s Passport five years ago and all that. Well, I’m making amends. Our new ‘People Power’ health service will put YOU in the driving seat. Need an operation and don’t want to wait? Don’t want to risk catching a disease in a dirty, stinking, filthy, horrible, yucky NHS hospital? I don’t blame you! So we’ll give you a blank book of prescription forms. Use the internet to diagnose yourself and just take your prescription to the chemist. No silly big government-funded ‘doctors’ or ’surgeons’ getting in your way…

Vote Labour instead! Remember those three important words - National. Health. Service. Labour are the Party of the NHS.

Specifically, under Labour we'll ensure that ever-more of your money (well, when I say your money I obviously mean our money, because once we've taxed you it's ours. Which is why we like taxing so very much!) will be invested into further targets to point at, and even more administrators to administer the administration of those targets, and to produce statistics to show you how we're reaching the administration of those targets.

Of course, you'll still have to hand over your house if you want geriatric care, and you'll still die of MRSA if you go in to have that ingrown toenail removed, but from the top down, looking at the statistics, we'll have a Health Services that matches Cuba. Which we would have had before were it not for Thatcher stealing the milk.

Individual responsibility for one's society -what a horrific prospect!

The very idea that people should be encouraged to think for themselves, take ownership and responsibility, and feel some sort of connection to their country and political servants is quite simply abhorrent!

This evil Manifesto from the Nasty Party would, quite simply, put at risk thirteen years of sterling Labour effort in:

  • Reducing people’s sense of personal responsibility;
  • Blaming everything on everyone else;
  • Spending money we don’t have on projects that don’t work, then blaming
    everyone else;
  • Making ‘rights’ the first of education’s “Three R’s” - and not really bothering with any of the others;
  • Introducing laws that restrict the day-to-day lives of ordinary, decent people in favour of Government snooping;
  • Doing more damage to Civil Liberties than two World Wars and a thirty-year
    terror campaign, all in the name of ’security’.

Yes, Tom, I can see why NOBODY would be swayed at all by the Conservative Manifesto.

*Not particularly sharp, but nice try.

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Opposition Parties Attack 'Fantasy' Tory Manifesto

A proper Manifesto from a proper Party - so will be attacked on spurious, smear-laden untruths.

Labour and the Liberal Democrats have attacked the Conservative Party's Manifesto, released today, as 'fantasy' and 'unrealistic'.

Launching the Manifesto, 'An Invitation to Join the Government of Britain', Tory leader David Cameron claimed it offered an 'ambitious and optimistic plan for economic recovery and growth, a strong society and radical political reform.

Conservatives offer a change from "Big Government to Big Society", with the State no longer micro-managing public services and directing society but strengthening society and making public services serve the people who use them, said the manifesto.

The Tory Manifesto is believed by many to offer the antidote to the current political malaise in Britain, inculcating a sense of ownership and responsibility currently missing from the Government's top-down approach. This is borne out by Conservative plans to allow local people to 'sack' their MPs should they be found guilty of any wrongdoing, the direct election of police chiefs and local referenda. Conservative MP Douglas Carswell described the Manifesto as 'the boldest, most exciting party manifesto in a generation'.

However, Labour leader Colostomy Brown derided the Conservative Manifesto as 'fantasy', saying, "this is an 'every man for himself' manifesto, which puts responsibility in the hands of people. It is an act of fantasy, and would put at risk the last thirteen years of hard work by Labour in destroying the concept of personal responsibility. It is right, therefore, that the people should reject the nasty party's prospect of responsibility, and instead allow Labour to continue to do all their thinking and spending for them so they can sit on their arses, picking up benefits and watching 'Britain's Got Talent'. People should trust in the Big State, not the individual society."

His sentiments were echoed by Labour's Twitter Twat Supremo John Prescott, who said, "No, yes, listen, the Tory toffs manifesto is, and let me finish, you've, no, you've had your say and anyway toffs independented personable respubbability, which I think makes things perfectly clear, and to clarifacable, in point of fact, people should voting Labour, and another thing, or I'll punch the fuckers like in 2005. Oh, and as I can't actually debate commonsense issues as we haven't got any - issues or common sense, let's spoof their Manifesto front cover on Twitter."

For the Liberal Democrats, Nick Clegg described the Conservative Manifesto as 'unrealistic', which sources at The Diary have translated as 'a bloody sight more realistic than anything the Limp Dumbs could come up with'. He then proceeded to rant on about 'bankers' and 'fairness' again, but in all honesty your Correspondent wasn't listening.

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Labour Manifesto Nominated for Literary Prize

Labour Manifesto: the best work of fiction since 'Brave New World'.

The Labour Party Manifesto has been nominated for a prestigious literary award, it was announced this morning.

The Manifesto, entitled 'A Future Fair For All', or 'F-All' by those who have read it, has, in an unprecedented development, been nominated for the Booker Prize for fiction, according to sources within the Booker judging panel.

Journalist and Man Booker judge Rosie Blau, speaking about the Manifesto, said, "in my opinion, 'F-All' is probably the best work of fiction since 'Brave New World' - a piece to which it bears a startling resemblance.

"While a manifesto would not normally be considered for entry to the Booker Prize, 'F-All's chilling brilliance in juxtaposing a Utopian set of unattainable promises against the dystopian reality of the last thirteen years creates a delusional masterpiece of epic proportions."

Her sentiments were echoed by Booker Chair, Poet Laureate Andrew Motion, who said, "I read the Labour Manifesto from cover to cover, and it clearly qualifies for inclusion for a fiction prize. The sense of impending broken promises pervading the entire piece is redolent of Alan Bennett, with oblique references to James Thurber's 'Walter Mitty' and hints of a future with less hope than found in the best works of Solzhenitsyn."

Labour Party campaign Manager Lord Fondlebum of Fey said, "I am delighted at the recognition 'F-All' has received from the Booker Panel - and given that we've even proved legally that our Manifesto is a work of fiction, we look forward to the Electorate recognising our document for the nauseating spout of dishonest bilge it is, and voting accordingly."

Reports that the upcoming Liberal Democrat Manifesto may be in line for a prize in the category of 'Children's Fiction' remain unconfirmed.

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Thursday, April 08, 2010

Gordon Brown to Withdraw from Election Campaign

The new face of Labour: More responsive, more emotional and more expressive.

The Labour Party have announced that Prime Minister Gordon Brown is to withdraw from the campaign trail' with immediate effect, according to senior sources.

The announcement was made by Labour's eminence grise campaign manager Lord Mandelson at this morning's Election press conference, and follows two days of campaigning on the streets of Britain by the PM.

Lord Mandelson said, "Given the enormous success of Gordon's first two days on the street, where he proved conclusively that every single voter in the UK is going to vote Labour, Gordon will return to No. 10, where he will get on with the important business of running the country while using other means to spread his vital message."

Sources have confirmed that the Prime Minister's place on the hustings will be taken by a specially-purchased 'Robosapien', pre-programmed with six key phrases including, "we will secure the recovery", "we are listening to people", "the Conservatives will put the recovery at risk", and, "I'm not mad, honest."

Reports that the Robosapien will be fitted with a specially-designed wonky jaw remain unconfirmed.

Commentators and candidates across the political spectrum have welcomed the announcement that the PM is withdrawing from campaigning, with Labour candidates especially pleased, as none of them were using his lugubrious mug on their campaign literature anyway. One Labour candidate said, "it is good news for us that Gordon will be using this new method to spread his message. And anyway, this robot can't be any less responsive than Gordon himself."

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Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Another Justice Cock-Up

So apparently, a retailer in North Yorkshire committed an offence under the Public Order Act by displaying a stone penis in his shop window.

In which case, why wasn't a six-foot tall prick wandering around Morrisons in Rochester immediately arrested?

The law is clearly not an ass in this instance, but a cock.

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Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Labour Unveil New Campaign 'BattleBus'

Labour's 'BlunderBus' - the country's gone to hell in one, why not campaign in one?

With the date of the General Election announced, the Labour party has unveiled their 'battle bus', upon which they will take their message to the voters of Britain.

Lord Fondlebum of Fey, who is masterminding the campaign, said, "we have decided to eschew the traditional rented coach with its attendant luxuries for this election, instead choosing a method of transport that, we believe, clearly demonstrates the direction in which the Labour Party will take Britain should we win a fourth term."

The specially-commissioned handcart, affectionately nicknamed 'The BlunderBus', has been built in Britain* under Union supervision, and should be complete by next week if negotiations succeed in breaking the current strike over whether the hourly tea-breaks of the staff building it should be fifteen or twenty minutes. It will be pushed to its inevitable destination by Union leaders including Bob Crow and Charlie Whelan.

Lord Fondlebum added, "we believe the BlunderBus is a strong message to voters about their future under Labour - firstly in terms of direction and secondly because just like with the country, the handcart will largely be going downhill pushed by the Unions."

Speculation is rife about the choice of vehicles for other campaigning parties. However, the Conservatives have strongly denied rumours that David Cameron is to travel the UK upon a gilded palanquin, carried from place to place by two of his old fags from Eton. William Hague said, "it's utterly ridiculous to think that David would use such a form of transport. Anyway, Boris is already using it."

The Liberal Democrats have already confirmed that they will not be travelling the country during the Election campaign, but will instead be propounding their message from a nice comfortable bit of fence.

*Built in Britain - by a Chinese-owned company funded with EU money and staffed by migrant Polish workers.

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In Which Dungeekin Is a Floating Voter

So today sees the commencement of the General Election campaign 2010, as the political parties posture and position to win the votes they need to gain constituencies, power and influence in a new Parliament.

Now, I believe it's very important to consider all the issues when choosing how to cast one's vote, and to retain an open mind. The right of suffrage is a great right, and one that should not be taken lightly or for purely ideological reasons - but instead should be approached carefully, considerately and with the good not just of oneself, but the whole country, in mind.

To that end, I've decided that I am, as of this moment, a floating voter, ready to be swayed by the most persuasive arguments of each political party before making my final decision.

Recent days and weeks have seen our current Government shouting promise after promise, and it seems clear that they will do absolutely anything at all for voters to secure that historic Fourth Term. I've decided, therefore, to publish a list of actions the Labour Party must do - not promise to do but actually DO to secure the Vote Of Dungeekin on May 6.

1. All civil-liberties and 'anti-terror' legislation enacted since 1997 must be repealed with immediate effect. This includes, but is not limited to: Control Orders; the DNA Database, which is immediately to be purged of all innocent people on its register; 42-Days Detention and ID Cards.

2. An immediate revamp of the Benefits system to provide nothing but a safety net, and to make it undesirable to sit on one's arse on benefits if work is available. On the subject of 'sitting on one's arse' - salaries and expenses are to be withheld from MPs and Lords who fail to attend and vote at at least 80% of debates. Workshy bastards.

3. All Labour MPs and Ministers are to liquidate all their assets with immediate effect and the money used to invest in gold - to make up for the losses after 'Colostomy' Brown sold ours off at bargain-basement prices.

4. The pension funds of all Labour MPs and Ministers are to be withdrawn and their values used to restore some of the money lost by ordinary pensioners in Gordon Brown's attack on pensions. MPs to get a reduced 'money purchase' scheme, with the difference going to the State pension.

5. A fixed date for withdrawal from Afghanistan, to be no more than 12 months from the date of the General Election. All returning servicemen to be given 10 minutes, alone, in a soundproofed room, with the Minister of their choice and a maximum of three impact weapons. All MPs and Ministers involved in the supply chain to the Forces to be subject to prosecution for criminal negligence over those Servicemen who died due to lack of equipment.

6. Peter Mandelson and Michael Martin to be stripped of their Lordships and sent to the Falklands Islands to oversee sheep-dung collection activities. Unpaid.

7. Tony Blair to be prosecuted for taking British servicemen to war on falsified information. And then shot.

8. Harriet Harman is to be outlawed under sexual discrimination laws, and her systematic attempts to remove equality from the system for the sake of misandry are all to be repealed with immediate effect.

9. Gordon Brown must make a public apology at noon from the top of Tower Bridge. Said apology is to include the acknowledgement that he was not Prudent, he did not abolish Boom & Bust, that he created an artificial debt bubble in order to massage the figures and that he has been the most incompetent Chancellor and Prime Minister in history.

10. Gordon Brown to be publicly executed on Tower Green for crimes against the British people. The same punishment to be meted out to Geoff Hoon and Bob Ainsworth for their crimes against British servicemen, and to Jack Straw, David Blunkett and Jacqui Smith for attempting to introduce Stalinism to Britain.

There you go, Labour. Put that lot in your manifesto, and you've guaranteed yourself the support of this floating voter.

However, given that what we'll actually get are the usual dishonest tractor stats, served up with a nauseating dollop of spin and class war, you'll excuse me if I do the sensible thing and vote Conservative.

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Thursday, April 01, 2010

April Fool

It's that time of year when everybody tries to publish the maddest of stories.

So, as a result and in my own personal version of April Fool's Day, you can be assured that every single post made today will be absolutely, 100% true.


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