Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Labour Deficit Reduction Plan Leaked

"I'll thcream and thcream and thcream until I'm thick! And I can!"

Labour Party Leader 'Little' Ed Millipede has vowed an urgent inquiry and 'swift punishment'. after details of the Opposition's deficit-reduction plans were left in a public place and subsequently released to the Press.

The news comes in the wake of Chancellor George Botox's swingeing cuts to the UK Budget, which are believed to amount to a massive £750 over the course of the next seventeen Parliaments, and after Shadow Chancellor Alan Useless had spent significant time wibbling pointlessly about how terrible the debt was that Labour didn't cause, honest.

The top-secret Labour document was reportedly found left on a seat in a progressive gentleman's club, where the Minister in possession of it had been spanking taxpayers money, among other things, and was passed to The Diary by a stripper caring member of the public that your Correspondent doesn't use monthly.

Master Millipede said, "the leaking of this document is an egregious offence, and we will track down the irresponsible individual and have them punished. Probably by my Governess."

The document is believed to be a single sheet of foolscap, containing the text, "Our Deficit Reduction Plan: LIE", and is currently being studied by a crack team of psychologists, economists and the ONS to establish precisely how it differs from any other plan Labour have had over the last thirteen years.

Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment. Again.

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Public Sector Calls for Strike Action

If they're not too busy to strike, they're not busy enough and can be first for the axe.

Public-sector organisations across the UK have vowed to take strike action in the coming weeks, in protest at the budget cuts being implemented by the Coalition government.

Chancellor George Botox is swinging the financial axe with a target of cutting Government expenditure by 40%, as the Government struggle to reduce the deficit passed on to them by their predecessors.

However, the news has been met with anger by public sector managers and Trades Union leaders, who have defended their right to spunk astronomical amounts of taxpayer money up the wall while delivering no apparent benefit whatsoever.

Dave Trotsky, General Secretary of Unison, which represents the majority of public-sector wastage, said, "It's a sad day for the public sector as a whole, and mindless, money-chomping bureaucracy in particular.

"For thirteen years we've had endless amounts of money thrown at us, allowing us to build a bureaucracy that was the envy of the world - at least, that part of the world which thought Stalin was a pretty good administrator. Our management layers have produced levels of inefficiency and inertia never before seen in this country, while still ensuring that we have sufficient plausible deniability to meet our nebulous statistical targets."

Mr Trotsky was shaking with emotion as he called for industrial action against cuts, saying, "we will paralyse this nation! How will a nurse give a patient their medication without filling in Form S27/B6, in triplicate? How will the Police operate without full, 90 minute Risk Assessments prior to getting out of their patrol car? We call on all right-thinking…no, left-thinking….er… people to join us! No cuts! It is the purpose of the public sector to piss away money we haven't got, on pointless layers of management we don't need, and we MUST be allowed to continue."

However, Unison's call for action was met with derision from average taxpayers, who pointed out that if we cut the management numbers by 75% and put the savings to the frontline, we would probably see a 100% increase in stuff actually getting done.

Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment, as he'd just wet himself. Again.

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