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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Santorum Chooses To Abort Campaign

The American radical Christian movements have exploded in anger tonight after fascistRepublican wackjobnominee hopelessful Rick Santorum announced that he was unbelievably doing something sensible and dropping out of the Presidential race.

The former Senator announced tonight that he was terminating his campaign to spend more time with his obsession with legislating uteruses. However, fundamentalist Christians across the United States have erupted in anger at the news.

Mr F Phelps, a Baptist minister and Santorum campaigner, said, "my church cannot believe that Santorum has committed this heinous act, in violation of Scripture and Commandment. For a Presidential hopeful - our Presidential hopeful - to have aborted his campaign shows no consideration for our Holy cause of demeaning women and returning America from its abhorrent 'Land of the Free' back to the Puritan ways of the Founding Fathers, except with Viagra for us men. Obviously."

Campaign specialists pointed out that while Mr Santorum has terminated his campaign today, it had shown no signs of life since he had announced he would ban the No. 1 pastime of American men. One political pundit described it as 'not a termination, more a mercy killing'.

Mr Santorum's statement that it was 'his choice' to abandon his campaign midway through its gestation has further angered morons evangelists across the Midwest. One campaigner, who preferred not to be named, said that Santorum's campaign suspension would cause, "the end of the world as we want it. We'll be back to the bad old days of women holding jobs instead of holding children, and uppity civil rights campaigners we can't lynch".

A spokescorporation for Mitt Romney, now expected to be the shoo-in candidate to lose to President Barack Obama in November, accepted Mr Santorum's concession, saying, "this is a generous act on behalf of my opponent, who has finally accepted that my candidacy creates the America that all Americans want - at least, all middle-aged, white, wealthy venture-capitalist Americans anyway. And they're what matters."

He also called on Christian activists to 'go easy' on Mr Santorum, pointing out, "be fair, at least he pulled out early".

Mr Santorum's newly-fired campaign staff have declined to comment on rumours that the former Senator was forced to undergo a trans-voter ultrasound prior to his decision to terminate his campaign.

Barack Obama was too busy winning to comment.

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