Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

EXCLUSIVE!: Apple iTablet Specs Leaked

Jobs: Officially launching iTablet later today.

Documents obtained exclusively by The Diary from Apple's Cupertino HQ, have cast light on the eagerly-awaited new product from the cult-like technology giant.

The tentatively-named iTablet has been Apple's most anticipated offering since the hugely-successful iPhone, and The Diary is exclusively able to offer the first definitive details and specifications of the product, to be officially announced later today.

We can reveal that the iTablet is a newly-designed pill for Apple fans, which will be available from Apple Stores worldwide and from all good pharmacists by Q2.

Containing a unique blend of MDMA, LSD, Ketamine and Jojoba oil, the iTablet has reportedly been personally tested by Apple supremo Steve Jobs. Insertion of the tablet in suppository form is reported to provide a number of positive effects including:
  • Hallucinations of Apple OS X code in full, glorious psychedelic form;
  • The ability to register one's brain with the iTunes Store by the power of thought alone;
  • The recognition of Steve Jobs as a prophet and the architect of a Glorious iFuture;
  • The irresistible desire to buy a black turtleneck. This will be addressed with the release of the iTop later this year;
  • A consistent and irrational belief that Apple's product pronouncements are actually important in the larger scale of the real world.
The iTablet reportedly has the Apple logo on one side of its smooth, industrially-designed shell, and an image of Steve Jobs on the other, thus guaranteeing months of coverage in technical magazines about how amazing, far-thinking and incredibly advanced it is.

Apple's scientists have strongly denied rumours that the iTablet has addictive characteristics, with one member of the development team saying, "this is for marketing to fanboys. Come on, they'd buy a dog-turd from us if it had the Apple logo, it's hard to get any more addicted than they already are."

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UK Government to Tackle Inequality

Labour: Tackling inequality, one aspiration at a time . . .

The Government has promised 'sustained and focused action' to reduce inequality in the UK, following a government-commissioned report showing the gap between rich and poor is wider now than 40 years ago.

The report, by a panel from the London School of Economics, said that in areas such as taxes and education, policy action was needed to limit inequality. The panel's spokesperson, Polly Seewonk, said, "how do you create a level playing field when there are such differences in the resources available to people?"

Minister For Equality (Except For White Middle-Class Families Who We'll Screw Mercilessly) Harridan Harperson welcomed the report, and announced new and far-reaching measures to bridge the gap between rich and poor.

Mzz Harperson said, "it is wrong and unfair that there should be any inequality in British society. And it is easy to see that the fault here lies not with Government but with an acquisitive system that rewards hard work and self-development. True equality clearly lies not in a meritocratic system, but in every single person* being brought down to the same level. How dare a hospital consultant, who studied for several years and then worked his way up the ladder, studying all the way, be better-off than a council bin-man? The only way of achieving true equality in society is the introduction, by legislation, of a completely level playing-field.

"The Government will therefore introduce legislation to remove salaries, private education, private income, property ownership and any other contributors to inequality. All necessities of accommodation and living standards will then be directly provided by the State. We will also mandate a standard national uniform - probably overalls - to reduce the sense of inequality caused by someone having better clothes than you."

Mzz Harperson added, "This Government will constitute the fairest of societies under a simple motto of 'from each according to their abilities, to each according to their needs'. After all, it worked so well in the Soviet Union."

*Mzz Harperson's spokesman was quick to point out that this would not be applicable to the Nomenklatura Members of Parliament.

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

UK Emerges from Recession

Green shoots of recovery - or the Triffid of impending inflation?

Prime Minister Gollum Brown has been hailed as an economic mastermind and the saviour of the UK, after Britain emerged, pale and blinking, from the dark days of Recession into the glorious daylight of a new Socialist future.

Figures released today from the Office of National Statistics validated the Great Leader's faith in the policy of Quantatitive Easing, after the UK economy was shown to have grown 0.1% in Q4. Analysts have subsequently confirmed that the return to growth was solely and identifiably attributable to Brown's actions.

Ben Counter, assistant economist at the ONS, said, "we can directly trace the emergence of the UK into growth to the actions of the Prime Minister. On December 29th, the PM purchased £25 worth of pasties and sausage rolls from Greggs the Bakers in Palmer Street SW1 to take into a Cabinet meeting as a snack. This single purchase was sufficient to turn stagnation to growth - as long as you ignore the impending double-dip impact of the VAT increase, the dilution of Sterling from the money printing and the current rate of inflation, that is."

However, Tory assertions that the 'green shoots of recovery' were in fact, the first sight of the 'Triffid of an inflationary spiral', have been denied by the Government.

Minister for Monetary Machinations, Lord Fondlebum of Fey, said, "this is proof that the Government's plan to borrow, spend and inflate our way out of Recession was the right thing to do. These latest figures show that we are well on track, and we can now look at the next phase of our investment strategy - to increase both inflation and deficit until the IMF steps in, and have them pay off our debt for us before we plunge headlong into the Euro".

Plans to hold a nationwide series of street parties to celebrate the brilliance of the Saviour of the World in freeing Britain from the capitalist yoke of disposable income have been temporarily shelved, as nobody in Britain can afford to buy cakes.

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Spreading the Love


Dear Writer(s) of Conficker

Thank you so much. There's nothing I like more than working full days plus overnight two days in a row, then all weekend and multiple site visits on a Monday morning. Working 30 hours in a single 36-hour period truly makes one feel alive. My little boy surely appreciated not having his Daddy for the weekend because he was fighting the insiduous and rapid spread of your baby.

Thank you also for ensuring that I endure at least three conference calls a day, every day including weekends. Interaction with management is something I sure do love, especially when the lion's share of the call time is spent working out how to buck-pass to a suitable scapegoat (see Part II).

I don't know why you wrote the worm. I don't know what twisted, vindictive, scabby and despicable itch this inventively-evil piece of rancid code scratched in what passes for your mind as you sat, hated and alone, scratching your stinking balls in your mum's basement. Quite frankly, I don't even care why you wrote it. I merely hate and despise you and your ilk with a venom and passion that your warped so-called intellect cannot even begin to comprehend.

It is merely my deepest desire that you contract a virus of your own that causes you a lifetime of debilitating and disfiguring illness combined with agonising and untreatable pain - at least until such time as I track you down, flay the filthy skin from your worthless body inch by inch with a blunt vegetable peeler and roll you in freshly-ground sea salt before setting you on fire.

Yours, in sure and certain hope of my vengeance upon you





We knew this was going to happen. We warned you that this was going to happen. Everybody, EVERYBODY knew that this was going to happen. We told you so.


Thus shall be the title of the Major Incident Report which will, you can absolutely guarantee, be attached to an invoice of a size roughly similar to that of a small manned mission to Mars. And that's just MY overtime bill.

Next time your IT company are pleading with you to install antivirus on your servers and desktops, FUCKING GET IT INSTALLED. The cost of the project is far less than the final cost of dealing with a widespread infection across a network which could have been designed with the propagation characteristics of a worm like Conficker in mind.

And stop, stop, just fucking STOP wasting my fucking time and the time of my technical colleagues in fucking pointless conference calls demanding to know which poor, benighted luser is to blame for opening an attachment or whatever, and bringing the worm onto the network. They're guilty only of normal stupidity.

You want to get the person truly responsible? Find the worthless sack-of-shit beancounter who shitcanned last year's AV install project on the basis of cost, set them on fire and sack their still-smouldering corpse. Then prosecute their estate for corporate negligence.

Learn the lesson, pay the price and $DEITY help you if you fuckwits ever do something this rampantly cretinous again.

Love and kisses




Dear Microsoft

Fuckit. I can't be bothered. It's all been said, done and proved before.

Secure. Microsoft. Pick one.

Someone do me a favour and nuke Redmond from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Yours in overtime


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Friday, January 22, 2010

Apologies For Absence

This unfortunate intermission has been brought to you by the writer of Conficker, and the large client who decided they didn't want to pay for AV against our recommendation.

Normal service, preceded by a rant of near-Biblical proportions, will be resumed shortly.

In the meantime, here is some music.

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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Cadbury Staff in Strike Ballot

Cadbury spokesmen: "Kraft Board is staffed by Vermicious Knids"

Staff at Cadbury's Bournville plant have announced that they are to ballot for industrial action, following the company's takeover by US plastic-food giant Kraft.

The row has broken out in response to comments by Kraft Chief Executive, I C H Cheezeburger, that job losses were likely as a result of the £11bn buyout plan. Rumours that future Cadbury products will be put together by pieceworkers in Nike's Vietnam factory, using the same staff and the same ingredients as Nike's trainers, remain unconfirmed - though having tasted American chocolate, The Diary is pretty convinced this is already happening.

Cadbury's Staff Association spokesman O Loompa said, "this is a very worrying time for the staff here at Bournville. We need guarantees of job security and that the teams currently maintaining the chocolate waterfall, the Wonkavator and the WonkaWash will not not be placed at risk or outsourced". Mr Loompa also added:

"Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-doo
I have a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee
What is the future of Cadbury?
What do you get when a maker of sweets,
Is bought by a firm that strips assets and cheats?
We'll all be sacked at the drop of a hat,
What do you think will come of that?

I don't like the look of it

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-da
Say farewell to your Dairy Milk bar,
This should make you unhappy too,
Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do!"

Prime Minister Gollum Brown said yesterday that the Government would act to ensure Cadbury's 6000 UK-based Oompa-Loompas were not sacrificed as Kraft seeks a return on its investment. However, the Cadbury's staff responded by saying, "Gollum's backed us? Better check the jobs page, then. We're screwed".

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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Disaster Response Team Heads to UK

"Worth about the same as a scrap of Andrex"

A specialist Disaster Response team is flying into the UK today, as British Government departments struggle to cope with an impending financial disaster.

The emergency team has been provided by Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe following a desperate plea by Prime Minister Gollum Brown for aid from his international socialist comrades.

The announcement comes as figures released today show that UK inflation jumped to 2.9% for December 2009 - the largest monthly rise since records began - and sparked fears that the Government strategy of printing money to hide the recession was leading to an inflationary spiral.

Downing Street sources said that the Disaster Response Team, which includes Spin Doctors, intelligence specialists, financial sector experts and emergency torturers, will be vital in supporting the Government response to the inflationary crisis.

The source said, "this team from Zimbabwe is a welcome addition, as they are highly experienced in dealing with the PR problems of hyperinflation. The advance team have already helped the BBC to spin the crisis as nothing to do with us, and we expect the financial consultants to offer a great deal of help with how many zeros will need to be added to Sterling to make it viable.

"And of course, the intelligence specialists and security staff will be used to help the Police maintain order by arresting and torturing anybody who tries to blame this inflation on our policy of printing money until a tenner had the face value of a scrap of Andrex".

There were reports of panic-buying of essentials, as the public responded to the news by ensuring they were stocked-up to last as long as possible. However, the PM appealed for calm in the wake of the news, saying, "this doesn't mean, of course, that the Pound here in Britain, in your pocket or purse or in your bank, has been devalued".

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WKD Makers to Diversify

WKD Blue - cleans lavatory bowls as well as it destroys brain cells.

Alcopop makers have announced that they are diversifying, in response to proposals by Home Secretary Alan 'Complete' Johnson to introduce minimum per-unit pricing on alcohol, as part of a raft of measures to curb middle-class enjoyment under the guise of public health.

Mr Johnson, speaking to BBC News, said, "this measure is necessary to ensure that we fully penalise reasonable drinkers and those who can afford it. And we're sure there's no chance that hardened binge-drinkers will simply forego food or clothing for their feral sprogs in order to carry on buying cheapo vodka, honest. And no, it won't apply to the subsidised Scotch in the House of Commons Bars."

However, drinks manufacturer Beverage Brands have responded to the Home Secretary's proposals by announcing that they are to diversify from selling over-sweetened pap marketed at arseholes and enter the household cleaning market.

In a press release published today, Karen Salters, Marketing Director of Beverage Brands, announced that with immediate effect BB are to enter the home cleaning market, reclassifying their WKD Blue product as a toilet cleaner.

Ms Salters said, "We are approaching this project with the same sense of social responsibility we apply to our drinks branding and marketing. This rebrand is the perfect option for WKD and similar products. WKD drinks look like toilet cleaner, taste as good as the leading brand of limescale remover and, given the number of additives it contains, will scour out your washbasin just as well as it wrecks your internal organs.

"And if idiot teenagers with even fewer braincells than they have tastebuds happen to buy and drink WKD Blue Bowlcleaner to get round the minimum pricing, then it's hardly our fault, is it?"

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Monday, January 18, 2010

Billy Bragg Redux

So via Man Widdicombe, I learn that left-leaning songster Billy Bragg has been inserting his pointy proboscis into political affairs again, this time railing against banking bonuses.

There's always a lovely irony to taking Mr Bragg's lyrics and rewording them to a different political slant* - and having done it last year with 'A New England', I think today's Braggrant is worthy of another one.


These Labour Whores

Stalinist liars,
Fraudsters and troughers,
Traitors and warmongers,
These Labour whores,
Now every family,
Is taxed into penury,
To pay for the policy,
Of Labour's whores,

Even the unions, as times have got harder,
Can see how this government has screwed the working man,
Consigned for eternity, to the dustbin of history,
Is where they deserve to be,
These Labour whores.

I won't lose faith and I'll keep voting,
Not for the Clunking Fist but for a steady hand,
For theirs is a land of war 'twixt classes,
And mine is a trust in my fellow man.
Theirs is a land of debt and worry,
Mine is the liberties we knew once before,
Theirs are the lies and paranoia,
We're sick and tired of you,
You Labour whores.

Call up George Osborne,
Bring David Cameron,
Repeal the laws that tell us how to behave,
And I'll give my consent
To a Tory Government
That does not deny a man the fruits of his wage,

No more to tax-and spend, never vote Red again
Vote out these throwbacks from the days gone by,
Their ministrations
Have gutted this Nation,
Vote out this lot,
This bunch of Labour whores.

*Though I very much doubt Billy Bragg likes New Labour any more than he likes the Tories.

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Specialist Twitter Unit to Train Police

Suspected Thought Criminal and Terrorist Paul Chambers.

Social Networking site Twitter has announced that it is to send a team of specialists to South Yorkshire Police headquarters to provide an education course in the use of the site. The announcement came after a Twitter user was arrested, interrogated, bailed and banned from an airport after making a comment alleged to be a terrorist threat.

Paul Chambers made a tongue-in-cheek comment allegedly threatening to blow up Robin Hood airport, in Doncaster, during the height of the travel chaos caused by last week's weather. He remains suspended by his employer and has received a life ban from the airport.

The crack team of Twitterati, which includes psychologists, linguistic experts, bloggers, comedians and several burly gentlemen with lengths of 2x4, will endeavour to explain the concept of 'humour' to South Yorkshire Police.

Team spokesman Dungeekin said, "it is clear that South Yorks Police need some additional training in recognising jokes. Our team are geared up fully to provide this training, which will be delivered in a number of packages including the use of flamethrowers, mains voltage to the testicles of the Chief Constable and, of course, blowing up the police station. In a purely humourous way, of course".

A Government spokesman denied that the arrest was indicative of increased paranoia and surveillance, saying, "Law Enforcement and Intelligence services like a joke just as much as anyone. We like Benny Hill and stuff like that. But obviously we expect people not to say anything even remotely related to blowing shit up, wherever they are, as we automatically switch our brains off when we read things like that, and go into headless-chicken mode. And don't forget, we're always watching and listening. GO about your business, citizen".

Reports that Dungeekin has been arrested on suspicion of making jokes about blowing shit up in response to the arrest of someone making jokes about blowing shit up remain either unconfirmed or in an infinite recursive loop.

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Shock at Gervais 'Humour' Attempt

Gervais: "Anyone know why I'm famous? Anyone? You?"

The producers of the Golden Globes awards have apologised to viewers after British twat presenter Ricky Gervais made a comment during the ceremony which could have been construed as funny.

Gervais, who shot to fame after writing and starring 'The Office' - a groundbreaking sitcom written to be the first ever deliberately unfunny comedy - and 'Extras', which was simply not funny, was the first Briton ever to host the awards ceremony.

There was shock and outrage in the audience when Gervais, a self-styled comedian renowned for normally having all the hilarity of tertiary syphilis, tried to make a vaguely amusing comment relating to Mel Gibson and alcohol.

Golden Globes producer Sleb Starfucker said, "we were disappointed by Ricky's performance. We were expecting his usual winning combination of fake self-deprecation, supercilious arrogance and annoying smug grins showing those irritating pointy canine teeth that just make you want to stove in his pretentious face with a breezeblock.

"To be honest, we were hoping that he'd just do the dance - which is about the only original or amusing thing the limey runt's ever done - but instead he tried to be a comedian. Honestly, if we wanted somebody to do jokes when they were presenting, we'd have hired someone who's been funny more than once in their entire pointless life."

Sky TV, who screened the Golden Globes ceremony live, also reported viewer complaints as a result of Gervais's nauseating fizzog showing up on Sky News every fifteen minutes pimping his execrable so-called 'presentation', which caused a 30% drop in viewer numbers.

Gervais was unavailable for comment as he was planning his latest bit of undeserved publicity, where he will be jumping a shark on waterskis.

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Friday, January 15, 2010

Brown to Give Money to Everyone Else

Prime Minister Gollum Brown has announced plans to increase his popularity, by giving all the money still remaining in British coffers to other people.

Sources close to the PM said that Brown was intending to embark on a tour of developing nations, and would be handing out freshly-minted £10 notes to passers by on the proviso that they say . "thank you, Gordon, you're my friend and the Saviour of the World".

The move was reportedly suggested by key Ministers including Ed Balls and Jack Straw, and follows a series of negative polls showing the popularity of the PM at a lower ebb than even John Major at his nadir. Mr Brown had reportedly taken himself into the No. 10 garden on hearing the news, where he was eating worms before being coaxed back in by his Cabinet.

Minister for Prime Ministerial Ministrations, Lord Fondlebum of Fey, said, "Gordon believes that this is the right thing to do. It is clear that pretty much nobody in Britain likes him any more, so by handing out yet more taxpayer money in the middle of a recession to people in third-world countries they might think he's a nice person.

"Additionally, Gordon has come to the conclusion that with the election coming up, there might still be some money left in the coffers by the time we're turfed out, which would be incompatible with our economic policy. Plus, we hate you all."

However, the scheme to give what little cash Britain has left to absolutely everyone else has not met with universal approval. Residents of Haiti have started a campaign against the offer, with their spokesman saying,"even in their straitened circumstances, the people of Haiti would rather be given US dollars, Chinese Yuan or even UAE Dirhams - in fact any currency that isn't completely bloody valueless. Plus, we hate Gollum too".

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Doctors Warn of Sickness Bug Risk

Nulaborvirus: Large parts of the UK heartily sick of the lot of 'em.

Healthcare bodies have called for people to take extra care following the outbreak of a vomiting illness in London and across the UK.

The bug, called Nulaborvirus, is both long-lasting and extremely debilitating and the strain seems to have become more virulent and widespread than in previous years. Doctors first isolated the virus in 1997 when it was believed that it would only be spread by direct and prolonged contact with Tony Blair. However, since the latter part of 2009 epidemiologists have seen the spread of the disease to the wider nation.

Symptoms of Nulaborvirus include a sharp rise in blood pressure, shortness of finances, severe and uncontrollable nausea at the sight of a Cabinet member and spontaneous urges to vote for someone - anyone - other than the Labour Party.

NHS Direct spokesman Dr Dochta Calcenta said, "while we've seen many instances of Nulaborvirus over the last 13 years, it certainly seems that this year many more people are succumbing. It would now seem that exposure of any duration to the Labour Party is a high risk act, with a large population of the UK already thoroughly sick of them.

"We would advise members of the public to take extra care in these next few months, as the risk of exposure increases due to electoral factors. It is best to avert your eyes from any billboards which may contain Nulaborvirus spores, and take additional precautions including turning off your TV whenever Gordon Brown is on".

Dr Calcenta added, "We would also suggest setting fire to any Labour Party canvassers who knock on your door - while this may not reduce your risk of exposure to Nulaborvirus, we can guarantee it will be both satisfying and good for your mental health and eardrums".

However, Dr Calcenta said that while he expected instances of Nulaborvirus to continue to rise through the Spring, he was confident that the bug would be completely eradicated for at least a generation by early May.

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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

BREAKING: Government Requisitions Table Salt

Government spreading grit: different, though rhyming with, what they usually spread.

The Government has issued a Requisition Order in a further attempt to deal with the traffic chaos caused by the reported lack of grit supplied to councils, and are requisitioning all household salt supplies with immediate effect.

The announcement was made by the Government's Salt Cell, which is responsible for the handling of UK grit supplies as the cold snap continues, and comes in the wake of travel disruption caused after the committee forced all councils to cut their grit use by a further 50% in a vain effort to preserve supplies. However, the Government denied that there are grit supply issues, pointing to 'significant prior investment' in ensuring that grit levels were higher than ever before.

Under the emergency powers granted by the Order, all householders are required to empty their houses and cruets of domestic salt and deliver it to specially-placed bins at Council offices throughout the country. Council inspectors will be granted new powers to enter homes to search for stockpiles of salt. From 1200 today, members of the public stockpiling salt or salt derivatives including, but not limited to, garlic salt, celery salt or dishwasher salt will be liable to prosecution. The use of salt in cooking is now a criminal offence subject to punishments up to and including summary execution.

All consumer and table-grade salt will be subject to a 50% enhanced tax rate on purchase, to dissuade the public from buying stocks already in supermarkets which could be diverted to the roads. The Government has also announced legislation for a Road Salt Levy, paid as an additional 1% on National Insurance contributions.

Minister for Sodium Chloride Lord Fondlebum of Fey said, "this is a short-term measure to ensure that we can continue our eleventy-million quarters of unprecedented growth in the supply of grit to the roads. Of course, local residents may be claiming that there is travel chaos, and that roads are ungritted, but our research indicates that this is all the fault of the Tories and that actually British roads now have more grit per square metre than they did in the previous Recession under a Conservative government. We are making it a Manifesto aspiration to remove the Road Salt Levy at some point in the duration of the next three Parliaments if we can't think of a new name for it."

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Breeding Explosion Risks Grave Crisis

P. Fatslebbus: uncontrolled breeding.

Conservationists have warned of an impending humanitarian crisis in the UK, with a population explosion in a new species posing an increased risk of shortages in many necessities.

The warnings come following the announcement that former Atomic Kitten and Iceland pimpette Kerry Katona is expecting her fifth child. Ms Katona, who took a break from her usual drink-and-drug-addled state to announce the news on social networking site Twitter, is reported to be 'chuffed to sobriety' at the news.

Ms Katona's employer, the Williams GP team, congratulated her on the news of her pregnancy and said they were looking forward to her return, as her vagina is essential to their wind-tunnel research.

However, environmental scientists have warned that the uncontrolled breeding of the species Pointlessus Fatslebbus, of which Ms Katona is one of several breeding pairs, poses 'a grave risk' to the future of the human species.

Conservationist Bert Greenius, who has been leading research into the breeding patterns of P. Fatslebbus, said, "this announcement is a matter for concern. We have seen that this species has a far higher breeding rate than humans by, on average, a factor of 2 - essentially, fat pointless slebs are breeding at near-bacterial rates. This has several potential issues. Firstly, the breeding rate of P. Fatslebbus leads to the projection that by 2050, we will see a population of the species of in excess of 50 million, far outstripping the population of humans by that time. This raises the prospect of inter-species cross-breeding, which has grave risks for the overall intellect and sanity of Homo Sapiens.

"Finally, we are gravely concerned at the risk this population explosion will place on the resources the country has available. A growing population of P. Fatslebbus will place significant strains on their core dietary staples, and it is doubtful that the country could sustain the massive increase in demand for vodka, champagne, cocaine and nightclubs".

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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Three Hurt Following Inquiry Evidence

Alastair Campbell defends the publication of the 'dodgy dossier' to Lord Chilcot.

Three people have been taken to hospital in London, as a result of injuries sustained today during Alastair Goebbels's evidence session to the Chilcot Inquiry in Iraq.

Goebbels, who was Tony Bliar's Director of Propaganda from 1997 to 2003, had played a key role in the creation of the September 2002 dossier which alleged that Saddam Hussein had Weapons of Mass Destruction which could be brought into use inside 45 minutes, and which was used as a primary reason for the 2003 invasion.

Emergency Services had to be called after Mr Goebbels told the UK Iraq Inquiry that he defended every word of the document, saying, "I wrote that...sorry, I mean I was somewhat involved in the assessment of that, and had some influence in how the information was presented. But I stand by every word in the dossier - it's all true, every word. Honest. Would I lie to you?".

Two Inquiry panellists were injured when Mr Goebbels' nose, growing uncontrollably, struck one in the eye and the other on the side of the head. A third panellist received severe splinters. Fire Service staff had to be called, and it took several hours and a few home truths about the quality of Mr Goebbels' Diaries before his proboscis subsided enough to be removed from the wall in which it had become embedded. All three were discharged after hospital treatment.

Mister Geppetto was unavailable for comment.

Thanks to Constantly Furious for the inspiration.

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Oldie But Goodie, Revamped.

So Toejam Choudhary is driving through snowy Wiltshire to Wootton Bassett to protest against the infidels, or something, when his car starts acting up.

To his relief, there is a service station not too far further along. He drives in, parks his car, hops out and waddles over to the mechanic. "A Salaam Alekum, Infidel, can you have a look at my car?", says Toejam. "It's making a funny sound".

"Sure" says the mechanic.

The mechanic has a poke and a prod around in the engine, looks up at Toejam and says, "Hmm... Looks like you've blown a seal."

"Oh no," says Toejam, "That's just frost in my beard."


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99% of Packed Lunches 'Inadequate'

The Government is to create a new child health watchdog, after research showed that 99% of packed lunches did not meet recommended Government standards.

The Department of Interfering Busybodies examined the contents of 1300 lunch boxes taken to school by pupils aged eight and nine and discovered that only 1 in 100 contained the foods mandated by Government legislation.

Minister for Child Control Lord Fondlebum of Fey said, "the Government puts out precise legislation to schools and in public as to what children should be eating. Schools are expected to adhere to this, and it is wrong that parents should give children what they will eat as opposed to what we tell them to. After all, if the children won't eat what the Government tell them, how can we expect them to swallow any of our other announcements?

"Additionally, these unauthorised and unregulated foodstuffs are leading to a black market in snacks, causing an inflationary spiral in the playground which has led to a packet of Monster Munch changing hands for as much as three Dairylea triangles. This unregulated trade is bad for the economy and must be stopped".

Lord Fondlebum announced that in the interests of security, the newly-formed Children's Unit for Nutrition and Tasty Sustenance would have responsibility for carrying out search-and-seizure duties at UK primary schools to ensure that packed lunches contained nutritious food that children wouldn't eat, as opposed to slightly-less-healthy options that they would. Failure to provide children with lentil-bake sandwiches and carrot sticks will be grounds for Police involvement.

The Children's Unit for Nutrition and Tasty Sustenance will also be implementing full-lunchbox scanners in all schools to identify and remove dangerous threats such as cheese-and-pickle sandwiches.

The Crown Prosecution Service is investigating charges against 2100 parents as a result of the investigation, including over 500 cases of Supplying Penguin Bars To Minors.

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Labour Party to Get New Name

Labour: Now officially TWATs.

The Labour Party has announced that it is to rename itself in the build-up to the General Election, after research showed that it is possible to get away with all sorts of things by changing your name.

The news comes as radical Islamic group Islam4UKOK was banned by the Government under counterterror legislation - the fourth name the group has had, two of which have already been proscribed.

Minister For Rebranding Lord Fondlebum of Fey said, "we have seen from the publicity success that Islam4UKOK's repeated rebranding has had, that by changing our name we can ensure that idiots the public can be convinced that we are a completely different organisation and thus increase our publicity. This also worked for us in 1997 with the rebranding to 'New Labour' - so we are sure that by relaunching with another new name we can ensure my our glorious thousand-year rule"

The rebranding, which will commence this Thursday, will see all uses of the word 'Labour' removed from the former Labour Party's stationery and publicity. Reports that the new name for the party will be The War Against Toffs Party remain unconfirmed.

No policy changes are expected as a result of the rebranding to TWAT Party. Gordon Brown is to remain Chief TWAT.

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Friday, January 08, 2010

Witches Demand Change to 'Outdated' Simile

Patron of NSW: "witches' tit analogy is a complete load of warlocks".

The National Society of Witches have called for a new simile for cold weather, in the face of continuing Antarctic temperatures across the UK.

As parts of Britain shivered in -20 degrees, and ice and snow continued to cause havoc to roads, railways and airports, the Society said that the definition 'cold as a witches' tit' was 'defamatory and inaccurate for the conditions'.

The Patron of the National Society of Witches, HRH the Duchess of Cornwall, said, "the severity of this cold snap means that it is necessary to revisit this ancient and anachronistic slight on the mammary temperatures of Wiccans. It is quite clearly defamatory and inaccurate to imply that a witches' nipple should be colder than a consumer freezer".

The Duchess added, "research by our PR Department has clearly shown that the tit of the average British witch is colder than the tit of a normal woman by no more than 2 degrees. Mine aren't cold at all. Here, have a feel", at which point your correspondent made his excuses and left.

The Department of Simile Exactitude has responded to the Society's call by launching an investigation into the accuracy of the adage, using a carefully-selected sample of volunteer enchantresses. An interim simile has been recommended, and all journalists have been encouraged to use 'as cold as Harriet Harman's hole' until the results of their Inquiry are completed.

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Thursday, January 07, 2010

Brown Fires Entire Cabinet, Goes It Alone

Gollum Jong-Brown showing the single-handed approach.

In an unprecedented development, attempting to put an end to speculation regarding his leadership, Prime Minister Gollum Jong Brown last night fired his entire Cabinet and installed himself as Supreme Leader of Britain.

Brown reportedly took the decision to become a Dicktator after becoming disappointed at the terse and vague statements of 'support' he received from senior Cabinet members after yesterday's attempted coup by Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt. Sources indicate that the PM became enraged after Alistair Darling, David Millipede and other unnamed Cabinet Ministers refused to grovel at his feet* and, in a flurry of four-letter oaths and flying phones, removed the entire Cabinet from their positions.

One senior Downing Street Civil Servant said, "When the Cabinet refused to kotow properly the PM started to get angry. He told them he'd run the country single-handed, and when Alistair said he'd heard that was Brown's normal method in life the PM completely lost it, screaming "you've all got it in for me" at the Cabinet before throwing them all out. He then barricaded himself into the LeaderBunker shouting that only he had the vision and power to save the country and the world, and all the people who couldn't see that were mad, and if they thought he was mad he'd show them mad, at which point he started cackling wildly and became largely unintelligible.

"Since then we have had a number of edicts emailed to us from the Bunker. For example, we have now been advised to ask you to refer to this as Browning Street, and we understand that the Treasury has been instructed to adopt the Brownd as the new UK currency. It is clear that the PM - sorry, I mean the Supreme Leader of Great Brownian - has adopted a siege mentality. He's pretty well ensconced in that bunker and our main concern is that he appears to have a supply of Ed Balls sufficient to last until at least May."

None of the Cabinet Ministers who were tenuously linked to the HooCoup were available for comment, as they were all collectively searching for either a spine or a pair of testicles.

*Though Ed Balls was, as always swift to kiss Brown's ring.

**Nobody ever said Gollum Jong Brown
was original.

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Government Takes Over Grit Distribution

As freezing temperatures continue to bring large parts of the UK to an icy halt, and with many local authorities suffering from a shortage of grit, the Government has stepped in to bring some order to the delivery of future grit supplies.

The move brings into effect emergency legislation giving the Government control over the prioritisation of deliveries in an attempt to ensure that major routes across the UK remain clear.

Announcing the measure, Minister With An Inapt Name Lord Adonis said, "we want to reassure the British people that in this difficult climate, the job of gritting is an absolute priority for Labour and we will ensure that it is carried out in a socially fair and democratic way. We are therefore introducing a new regulatory body, OfGrit, whose remit will be to review and approve all future salt orders prior to fulfilment to ensure that they're going to Labour marginals they are not going to middle-class areas are going to the areas that need them most.

"Furthermore, I can announce today a Manifesto aspiration to invest eleventy-billion pounds into the salt distribution network over the next five years, allied to challenging new targets on spread, thickness and the delivery of grit to ethnic-minority areas. We are confident that these measures will result in a million per cent increase in efficiency by 2016. Which is much better than cuts by the nasty Tories".

The Diary attempted to get the opinions of local people on the Government's announcement, but they were too busy skidding around on Oxfordshire's ungritted A-roads.

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Wednesday, January 06, 2010

BREAKING: Terror Cops Arrest Two Former Ministers Arrested

Letter plot against Brown: A little bit of history repeating.

Two former senior Cabinet incompetentsMinisters have been arrested under anti-terror legislation today, following the uncovering of a plot against Dear Leader Gollum Jong Brown.

The Ministers, believed to be Patricia Bin Battedbithi Uglisitic Hewitt and Geoff Alwayas Bin Atwat Hoon, were arrested in Westminster following the discovery of a seditious letter threatening to stab the Leader in the back. Searches of the two suspects' premises has reportedly revealed new evidence, and there are unconfirmed reports that this may include Conservative Party membership cards. Police are are now in the process of identifying the other plotters, known as Sekrit Al Ballotgang, and it is believed that further arrests may be made.

So far, there has been no confirmation of rumours that Police are seeking a 'Mr Big' - a shadowy ringleader behind the coup plotters. Media pundits are pointing to the possibility of legendary eminences grises Pitr Mun Delsunni or Al Dharlin. Scotland Yard sources said, "let's face it, we've only arrested the minnows so far. These two are only the public face of the plot - the expendable pawns. There's no way either of them would have had either the brains or balls to plan and launch this sort of plot."

However, Downing Street have denied that the PM was under any real threat at any time. Gollum Jong Brown's closest felcher confidant, Ed Balls, said, "this dastardly plot is just a pinprick. Of course, the Prime Minister knew about it all along. We in fact sent a file to the intelligence services about the scheme a year ago, because the Dear Leader is infallible, and will get on with the job. As always".

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Climate Scientists: 'Snow is all your own fault'

As snowfall brought Britain to a complete standstill, climate scientists have announced that their data predicted the blizzards as a result of man-made Climate Change.

Scientists from the Climactic Research Unit at the University of East Anglia have announced that they knew the blizzards, which have seen upwards of six inches of snow falling in a few hours, were coming and that their data was correct all along.

Chief Data-Fudger at the CRU, Li Ing Git, said, "All this snow is the fault of man and CO2 emissions. We knew that this was going to happen as a result of Global Warming. I mean Global Cooling. I mean . . . er . . . well, we predicted it anyway. We're all doomed, and it's all the fault of people who won't recycle. Our data was correct all along. Honest. Well, I say 'correct' - what I mean is that by the time we've finished tweaking our graphs they'll look like we predicted it. Can we have some more money please?".

The start of the post-Millenial Ice Age has been welcome by paleoconservationists, who have appealed to the Government for funding to reintroduce the Woolly Mammoth and Sabre-Tooth Tiger into Hampshire and Oxfordshire.

In related news, the Met Office has announced a Severe End Of The World warning for southern England. BBC weathergirl Carol Kirkwood said, "we expect the snowfall to get considerably worse, with upwards of 20 metres of snow over the Home Counties in the next 12 hours. Daytime temperatures are unlikely to rise about -20, with a windchill factor similar to that found in the most isolated reaches of Antarctica. The satellite imagery shows that the River Thames is turning into a glacier which is expected to submerge Oxfordshire within the next five days, causing the end of all life as we know it. Anyone even opening a window for the next month will suffer instant hypothermic death."

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Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Obama Adds UK to 'Axis Of Lying Bastards'

Polygraph: PM will have to undergo lie-detector test before the US will believe a word he says.

Unconfirmed sources in the White House say that President Obama has added the British Government to his 'Axis of Lying Bastards', further damaging the already fragile 'special relationship' between the UK and United States.

The problems have arisen following two recent incidents where the Prime Minister, Gollum Brown, has briefed the press about his prescience and brilliance in foreseeing the attack by Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab, only to have his version of events disproved within minutes.

Brown had claimed that his administration had passed a file on Mutallab to the US authorities over a year ago, a statement that was swiftly denied by the US Government and subsequently withdrawn by No. 10. This fresh revelation came swiftly after the PM had been forced to admit that he had not, as first stated, spoken directly with President Barack Obama about the intelligence.

While UK pundits have reacted with a complete lack of surprise that the monocular Jock halfwit was lying in his teeth in a desperate, and ultimately vain, attempt to look in the slightest bit competent, the US has been shocked. US Ambassador to the Court of St James, Louis B Susman, said, "we have had enough of that lying Limey fink. First he blames his own recession on us, now he's trying this bullcrap too?".

Downing Street sources strongly denied that the Prime Mincer was bullshitting at America's expense, though a spokesman did admit that the US would accept no further information or visits from Gollum Brown unless he underwent a lie-detector test on each occasion.

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Kepler Space Telescope 'A Partial Success'

Kepler: good at spotting large round things.

US Space Agency NASA have declared the new Kepler space telescope project 'a partial success', and have announced new developments for the future.

So far the telescope, which was launched last year to seek new worlds, has identified five new 'exoplanets', which have been named Kepler 4b, 5b, 6b, 7b and 8b. Kepler Project leader Voy Ure said, "while we're delighted with the resolution and power of the Kepler telescope, we do feel that there are some administrative elements that need sorting. It's all well and good discovering all these planets, but if we don't sort out a decent naming convention then the Universe is going to end up sounding like a minor British public school."

However, while the discovery of new planets has so far been a success, the project is currently being threatened by a series of lawsuits from women alleging sexual harrassment following the launch of Kepler in March 2009.

Reports that the court cases are due to the telescope identifying several 34C's when looking at Hawaiian beaches during the testing phase remain unconfirmed. Mr Ure refused to comment as the cases were sub judice, but added, "People need to understand that Kepler was designed to spot large globes from a distance. Hehehehe.....boobies."

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