Mandelson Album Rocks to Top of Chart

Lord Mandelson channels Midge Ure circa 1981

Business Secretary Lord Mandelson's debut album has reached No. 1 in the UK charts today - despite its not being released yet.

The album, 'Foy Boy', is due for release in early December, however record bosses agreed to the unprecedented move of making the album No. 1 after Mandelson promised to ensure that every penny of disposable income Britons had would be passed directly to record companies.

Lord Mandelson's new Digital Rights Bill, ensures that Geffen records - who signed the Business Secretary to a 6-album deal in Corfu this August - will receive £50,000 per British household whenever they are suspected of possibly listening to any music. This will be enforced by the creation of new offences, as required, which permit music fans to be charged and fined whenever the record companies fancy buying a new helicopter.

Record company exec Sleb Starfucker said, "Lord Mandelson has been a real star discovery for the music business. He's going to be an absolute goldmine, because we can get him to screw anyone in the UK with an internet connection for as much as we want, whenever we want. He's got a lovely singing voice, too".

'Foy Boy', which is released on 5 December in time for Christmas, has been described by critics as combining the very best of Jedward with the very worst of Stalin', and includes the tracks 'Mandy's Man', 'Slave to the Oligarch' and the hit single 'You've Got An Internet Connection, You Must Be Guilty of Something So Give Us All Your Money, You Bastard'.

Mobile Phone Driving Law Repealed

"I'm Harridan Harperson, you know where to reach me"

The British Government has today announced a moratorium on prosecutions under the 2003 law which makes it illegal to use a mobile phone while driving.

The announcement was made by Deputy Leader Harridan Harperson, who added that the repeal of the law would act retrospectively in 'special cases'.

Speaking to a meeting of senior Police Officers, Mzz Harperson said, "our research shows that this law is unworkable and impractical, and therefore should be repealed forthwith. My colleague the Justice Secretary is right now issuing instructions to the Crown Prosecution Service, Police Authorities and the Courts Service to place an immediate moratorium upon ongoing prosecutions pending a review on a case-by-case basis".

Mzz Harperson said that she personally would be reviewing the cases of those to be prosecuted for the offence, and she added, "obviously there need to be special cases which aren't followed through, for example, if the call was being made by someone really really really important. Like me".

A spokesman for the Justice Ministry said that the Parliament Act would be used, if necessary, to save Harperson's arse effect the repeal.

RumpyPumpy is New Eurasian President

Not picked for their looks - EU President and Foreign Minister

The Eurasian Commission have announced the appointment of Herman Van Rumpypumpy of Belgium as President-for-Life, with Britain's Baroness Ashton taking the role of High Commissioner for Foreign Affairs.

The appointments of the new leaders were announced following a lengthy Election campaign several days of vociferous inter-Government discussion drawing straws over dinner in Brussels. The Diary understands that Van Rumpypumpy was appointed under a combination of two EU Directives - the Beeblebrox Principle* and EU 4/2003 "Anyone but that grinning Rosbif War Criminal' Directive. The appointment makes Van Rumpypumpy the second most famous Belgian in history, and the most famous non-fictional Belgian.

Baroness Ashton was reported to have won her post on merit following her highly-commended work as Trade Commissioner, where she negotiated the . . . the . . .well, they were already paying her resettlement allowances so why not.

The news was met with spontaneous outbreaks of complete disinterest across Europe. One Estonian voter we spoke to said, "Rumpypumpy and Ashton? Are they a new Eurovision Song Contest act? We like Eurovision".

A survey conducted by The Diary indicates that just over 70% of EU voters are more interested in whether Taoiseach Cowen is going to punch President Sarkozy at their next meeeting.

Pointless X-Factor twats Jedward were unavailable for comment as they were being interviewed by Sky.


*(a role that involves no power whatsoever, and merely requires the incumbent to attract attention so no one wonders who's really in charge).

Fears Grow of European War

With tensions between the two nations spiralling out of control, the Government of Ireland have expelled all French diplomats from their embassy in Dublin in an act believed to be preparatory to a declaration of war.

Spontaneous demonstrations have flared across the Republic of Ireland, with people taking to the streets, burning French flags, tearing up croissants and pouring French wine down the drain. There are unconfirmed reports that three Peugeot dealerships in central Dublin have been set alight in the ongoing riots, and one French exchange student at the University of Dublin has reportedly been drowned in a vat of Guiness.

Speaking at an emotional news conference the Taoiseach, Brian Cowen, demanded that France hand over Thierry Henry, who the Irish Government insist must face trial and possible execution for his handball in a football match last night.

Mr Cowen said, "this is an absolute outrage and must not go unchallenged. We have requested an immediate meeting of the UN Security Council who we insist take action. If we do not get a replay of the match and the opportunity to send Henry to the gallows, we will have no option but to initiate air-strikes against the Elysee Palace and the headquarters of FIFA".

President Sarkozy of France has rejected the Irish Government's demands however. A spokesman for the Elysee Palace said, "so we're in South Africa and they're not. Oh well, bring it on".

Sky News, BBC News 24 and all other channels are covering events as they develop. Fucking endlessly. Pointless Irish twats Jedward were, however, unavailable for comment.

Against The Odds - A Rebuttal in Song

So there's been plenty of coverage of Labour's latest Party Political Broadcast, which was the misbegotten child of a grass-roots campaign among Labour activists. On Twitter it was pushed by the eager, if misguided, Ellie Gellard and many others, and was supported by Eddie Izzard and John Prescott.

I'll leave the factual inaccuracies of the broadcast - of which there are many - to others with a greater grasp of political history than me, and instead am happy to offer my normal form of rebuttal.

Against The Odds

What's this crap you call a PPB,
Of truth and facts there are no trace,
You're just claiming all of History was you, oooh,
We will all rejoice, when we see New Labour fall,

Why must we all see you on TV,
When all we're asking for is you to leave
As your tax and spending policies, will leave us broke for years
We will all rejoice, when we see New Labour fall,

So listen carefully now,
Your Party's a waste of space,
We just want to get back to the Tories,
Free of Gordon's gurning face,
Just listen carefully now,
Your Party's a waste of space,
And you winning any seat is against the odds, and that's what you have to face.

I wish I could make you apologise,
For all the times that you have lied,
There's no voter left with trust in you,
It's time to say goodbye,
We will all rejoice, when we see New Labour fall,

So listen carefully now,
Your Party's a waste of space,
We just want to get back to the Tories,
Free of Gordon's gurning face,
Just listen carefully now,
Your party's a waste of space,
When we can get rid of you, then that's what we will do, and that's what you've got to face.

Just listen carefully now,
You've failed in your thirteen years,
And you winning any seat, is against all odds,
So just give us all a break. . . .

Just listen carefully now.

(With apologies to Phil Collins)

Nasty NICE

So today saw the news that the National Institute for Clinical Excellence had refused NHS use of the liver-cancer drug Sorafenib, on the grounds that the cost of the medication means treatment is not worthwhile.

And of course, the news media were all over this story of nasty NICE, finding several sufferers who'd been saved by the medication and decrying the decision as a death sentence to cancer victims.They say that this sort of decision, putting a Sterling value on human life, should not happen in our society. And, of course, they're right.

And naturally, in the interests of balance, the media then interview the man with probably the worst job in the whole world - the spokesman for nasty NICE. While being treated with the grace and courtesy normally reserved for mass murderers and Gary Glitter, the poor man stammers through a prepared set of answers to explain that they have to make these hard decisions, they can't approve everything that everyone would need because the NHS budget simply couldn't cope with it. And, of course, they're right.

The positions of both sides of the debate are equally correct and, sadly, equally valid. The National Health Service cannot afford to prescribe the latest and greatest of everything, and likewise those with ailments should not lose their chance at survival simply because of the NHS's need to cut costs.

So, as so often, I would like to offer a solution to the problem.

If there's no money to buy new drugs, then clearly we need to make more money available. And as Gollum and Eyebrows have bankrupted not just the NHS but the entire nation, no more cash can be found to increase budgets - so instead, let's look internally.

Healthcare is about one thing, and one thing only - treating the sick. So there need only be two divisions, therefore -those who are directly involved in the treating of the sick, and those who directly manage those who treat the sick. If you don't do either of those, you're gone.

If you're doing surveys about the satisfaction of Muslim single mothers with the provision of halal food on the Maternity ward - you're not needed, you're fired. Go and work for Ipsos Mori and do surveys for them. If you spend your days poring over graphs showing the demographic, racial and religious backgrounds of the Trust car-park attendants, your salary is a waste of budget and you're sacked. If you're a 'small-c' consultant designing a new tagline for the Fundamental Acute Primary Healthcare NHS Hospital Trust - you're superfluous. You're gone. People go to hospital to be treated, NOT because the local A&E has a slogan rivalling Coca-Cola's. Go and work for Saatchi.

If your job title includes any of the words Diversity, LGBT, Patient Rights, Social Justice or Liaison, then please do the decent thing for the NHS and bugger off. The job of the NHS is to treat the sick, not to provide make-work jobs for people who wear sandals and agonise over whether naming the cafeteria 'Friends of . . ' is somehow discriminatory to the lonely.

Sorafenib apparently costs £2,200 per month. Get rid of the deadwood, and you'll improve the quality of life for all those people and many more besides. I commend the idea to the House.

Darling in Protective Custody Following Threats

"You there! Third row, bad tie. Could you lend me a fiver till next payday?"

Chancellor Alistair Darling is reportedly in hiding at a secret location today, following revelations that threats of violence had been made against him.

A spokesman for the Treasury confirmed that Mr Darling was receiving Police protection, after the receipt of a series of letters and visits that constituted a 'clear and present threat to the Chancellor's life'.

Metropolitan Police sources said that the threats were believed to have been made by two men, South London loansharks Charlie 'Bankroll' Edgar and John Michael 'Chainsaw' Flynn. The men are believed to have loaned Mr Darling £11 billion over the last month alone, and a total of £87 billion in the year to date, after no reputable lender would offer the Government any more cash.

The Treasury spokesman said, "Alistair's terrified. He's been paying them off at a tenner a week, but what with the MoD bonus payments and slipping Ed Balls some cash to stay quiet, he was a bit short for the last two payments. He started getting visits late at night, and the final straw came when Mr Flynn threatened to shave the Chancellor's eyebrows off - that was it, he went to the Police and they've got him in protective custody."

He added, "we'll have the money. It's just a cash-flow problem, we only need a couple more weeks. Honest."

Mr Flynn refused to comment on the allegations, but confirmed that both he and Mr Edgar were planning action against Mr Darling in the Small Claims Court for an expected total of £175bn plus £50 in costs.

BREAKING: Palace of Westminster To Be Closed

MP's - reconstituting Parliament in a new location

In a cross-party statement, it has been announced today that the Houses of Parliament, for centuries the seat of British democracy and governance, is to be closed with immediate effect. It brings to an end a history for the Palace of Westminster as the base for Government, an accolade it has held since the time of Edward the Confessor.

The shock move was announced by Deputy Minister for Everything, Lord Mandelson, in an emotional Press conference at 0800 today.

Lord Mandelson said, "It is right that Parliament move with the times and with events, and it is right that we modernise as required. The anachronism of the Palace of Westminster no longer tallies with the impression of MPs within the British public. Therefore, we must regretfully close the Palace of Westminster and move the seat of Government to a location more fitting to the status and position of British Parliamentarians".

Mr Mandelson's announcement follows news that six Parliamentarians are facing prosecution for fraud following an investigation by Scotland Yard into MP's expenses.

A spokesman for the Speaker's office confirmed that as a result of the expected prosecutions, the functions of both the Commons and the Lords were to be consolidated into a new Parliament in C Wing of Wormwood Scrubs.

Queen's Speech Promises 'Guaranteed Rights'

"How much more of this dishonest drivel must one spout?"

In the last Queen's Speech of the current Labour Government before the General Election, Labour have offered the British public a series of new guarantees. aimed at improving public services.

In a speech redolent with the solemnity of the occasion and the somnolence of the drafter, Her Majesty said that the Government would introduce a series of guaranteed rights, ensuring that the electorate were fully aware of what these rights were.

Speaking after the Speech, Eminence GriseDeputy Prime Minister Lord Fondlebum said, "it is right as a socially-conscious Party delivering fair democratic choice to the British people that we offer socially-conscious democratic guarantees of democratic rights and social choice in the interests of fairness. Democratically and socially . . er. . unlike the nasty Tories, who are all Bullingdon toffs even though they've got a smaller net worth than I have.

"Therefore, with the implementation of the bills in today's Queen's Speech, we are giving the British Public the guaranteed right to a good education for their children, the guaranteed right to see a specialist within two weeks of diagnosis, the guaranteed right to community-based care if you are elderly, and the guaranteed right not to be flooded out of their homes when it rains. All these are guarantees, which is important. And democratic and socially conscious and all that."

Lord Fondlebum added, "however, it is important that the British people also understand that in the cause of socially-conscious democracy, they won't actually GET anything different than the usual tax-and spend rubbish they've had for the last ten years. They'll still be dead long before they get any treatment for their ailments, we'll still nick their house when they get old and their children will still grow up illiterate, brainwashed and with a poor Third from a university staffed with Guardian readers. But the important thing is they'll get the guaranteed right to all these things, which sounds good in the run-up to an Election, doesn't it? Much better than the nasty Tories".

Reading Labour's List

In a break from Tradition, this year saw Her Majesty the Queen deliver the speech at the State Opening of Parliament not in words, but instead in song:

As each year for the Government a speech one must propound,

One's reading Labour's list - one's reading Labour's list

One pretends to be a mouthpiece for a Leadership unsound,

And they never will be missed - they never will be missed,

One regrets that for Tradition's sake one can't just sit and laugh,
At the bare-faced cheek of Labour with their promises so daft,
Their MP's claiming second homes and cash for this and that,
And equating one to vermin, like one was not Royal but Rat,
One wishes one could just dissolve the House so they'd desist

But instead one sits upon one's throne and reads out Labour's list.

CHORUS.
She's reading Labour's list--She's reading Labour's list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be missed.


Their bald electioneering makes one's presence a disgrace,

One's reading Labour's list - one's reading Labour's list,

They've used one as a starting-gun for their Election Race,

And they never will be missed - they never will be missed,

And one's PM simply waffles in his dull and dismal tone,
I'm sure if I beheaded him then nobody would moan,
They pledge cash to the places on whose votes they can't rely,
Though one's benighted Government has milked its coffers dry,
But the powers of Tradition leave one helpless to resist,

So one's reading Labour's List - one's reading Labour's list!

CHORUS.
She's reading Labour's list--She's reading Labour's list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be missed.


I have watched New Labour decimate the quality of life

One's reading Labour's list - one's reading Labour's list,

And my Subjects all condemned to lives of penury and strife,

And they never will be missed - they never will be missed,

The one small consolation that I have to bear in mind,
Is with so little time left all these Bills will not be signed,
I wish like Monarchs past I could just execute a few,
Who so abused their power in their ruling over you.
But it doesn't really matter what I read out from this list

'Cause an election's coming and they'll none of them be missed.

CHORUS.
She's reading Labour's list--She's reading Labour's list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be missed.


(With apologies to HM, as well as G&S).

Grade Gordon

Brown G (Cnut H.) Sports Day 2009

Thanks to the eagle eyes of Peter Hoskin at the Spectator, we have this wonderful opportunity to Grade Gordon. It would be remiss (bordering on criminal) to waste this chance . . .

Westminster School For Difficult Boys

Report: Brown, G (Cnut House)

ENGLISH: F

Brown tries hard, but unfortunately his abilities are not up to the standard expected.

He shows great creativity in his ideas, however he lacks the capacity clearly to explain them either on paper or in spoken form. While his handwriting itself can be excused following his injury on the Rugger field. his refusal to proofread his own essays - or to permit others to read them - is a handicap to his progression in literacy.

Brown's presidency of the School Debating Society has not been a success. His lack of presentation skills and inarticulacy means he is consistently defeated in debate by Cameron D (Victor H.) and even occasionally by Clegg (Nonentity H.).

MATHEMATICS: F

Despite hard work from teaching assistants and nine years of remedial classes, Brown still fails to show a grasp of basic numeracy. We recommend that he is assessed for possible Dyscalculia.

Brown's primary issues seem to stem from an inability to differentiate between positive and negative numbers, which frequently results in him reporting negative figures as positives. Additionally, Brown insists that his sums are correct even in the face of clear evidence from teaching staff.

This laissez-faire attitude to numerical truth led to several issues when he was running the School Tuck Shop. Selling the school's stock of Wispas at well below the RRP was the first sign of the problem, and his ongoing mismanagement has resulted in the School being the first ever Tuck Shop to require the services of an Official Receiver.

GEOGRAPHY: F

Gordon has tried hard in this subject, especially on the US Studies coursework segment, but the results have not matched his efforts. Part of this was due to his earlier associations with Blair Major (Cnut H.), which still taints his reputation today.

Sadly, he was unable to build a relationship with his American Pen Pal, Barry, which has stymied his development in this crucial portion of the Term.

His project work with Millipede Major (Banana H.) on Afghanistan has been exceptionally poor, is still incomplete way past the Term deadline and shows little progress despite wasting a huge amount of school resources.

HISTORY: F

Could do much better. Gordon seems to misunderstand the concept of history, preferring instead to believe that he and his housemates are personally responsible for all the events of the world.

Unfortunately, our attempts to disabuse him of this notion have been met with stiff resistance. He is aided in his delusion by Mandelson Minor (Slyme H.) who has now been Fagging for Brown for two years and who has become an increasing pernicious influence on Brown's already unstable world-view.

PE: Ungraded

Though it's against normal practice, we couldn't help adding a picture of Brown at the recent Sports Day to the report. Please see above.

CLASS BEHAVIOUR

Brown's behaviour is simply appalling, in spite of the best efforts of staff to restrain him. His temper has become a serious issue, and he has had to be reprimanded three times in the last fortnight alone for throwing objects when he doesn't get his own way. It is hard to understand why he was made Head Boy in view of his behaviour.

Brown shows pathological dishonesty, and is disinclined to accept responsibility for, or the consequences of, his own actions. He frequently attempts to blame others for his misbehaviour, with one such incident leading to the expulsion of McBride D (Cnut H.). Teachers in all departments have noted his absolute refusal to apologise, under any circumstances.

His interactions with both classmates and staff are poor, and he has little social contact outside his immediate circle. Teaching staff have endeavoured to explain the need for improvement in this area, however Brown believes his skills are significantly greater than they are. In this he is aided by his association with Mandelson Minor (Slyme House) - which is also a matter for concern given that pupil's prior suspensions for dishonesty.

Despite considerable instruction, Brown's appearance still does not meet the standard expected of a pupil of this school. We recommend remedial instruction in tie-knotting, and the school nurse is prescribing 'Stop'n'Grow' for his persistent habit of biting his nails. However, it is his insistence on excavating his nasal cavities, even during Assembly and other public functions, which shows his lack of common manners and decorum.

HEADMASTER'S COMMENTS

An extremely disappointing report. While Brown promised much when he was enrolled into the school, he has signally failed to live up to expectation.

It is therefore with sadness that we advise you that Brown is to be the subject of a Governor's Meeting to be held before June 2010, at which point we do fully expect Brown to be expelled from the School. Cameron D (Victor H.) is expected to be appointed Head Boy in his stead.

OVERALL GRADE

F

Press Complaints Commission To Regulate Everything

PCC: Not just trying to increase their personal fiefdom at all. Oh no.

The Press Complaints Commission have announced their intention to increase the remit of their available powers, saying that the blurring of boundaries between the traditional press and 'citizen journalism' makes an update necessary.

Speaking to the Society of Fleet Street DrinkersEditors, the Chairman of the PCC, Baroness Buscombe, said that with more sources of 'news' becoming available now, it was important that regulation extended to cover all aspects of media by which people may form opinions.

Baroness Buscombe said, "the fragmentation of media and news sources now mean that people gain their information and opinions from many more places. Plus we'll also get more funding if we can regulate more people. We will therefore seek to increase the PCC remit to cover all news sources.

"This will include, we anticipate, the full regulation of Blogs, all emailed content including private emails, handwritten notes between spouses and partners, Post-It notes left on a co-workers' desk and that drunken conversation you had with that bloke outside the kebab shop last Saturday night".

Bloggers across the UK have reacted with derision to the PCC proposal. One anonymous blogger, who submits his articles via an anonymous proxy to a non-UK website, said, "fine, let the PCC regulate me. As long as they notify me in writing and in person. Oh, wait, they can't - because they don't know who in the name of arse I am. I could be anyone from anywhere. What are they going to do, sue a pseudonym? Go for it."

A petition has already been started, advising Baroness Buscombe and the PCC to learn how the fucking internet works, you muppets.

A Job Application

Bonus payments for size and straggliness of facial topiary?

Dear Ministry of Justice

I would like to formally apply for the position of 'Suspected Terrorist', and would be grateful if you would please make me subject to a Control Order as a result?

You see, I've been doing a bit of thinking and I figure that £25k for me to grow a beard and shout 'Death to the infidel' now and again seems like a pretty good deal. I mean, I work full-time and I don't make much more than that now.

In return for paying all my living expenses, I promise to write lots of articles praising Allah and give you plenty of material to justify ID Cards and an ongoing 'War on Terror', so you'd be getting good value for your money. And as I won't actually blow myself up, you'll be saving on the whole '72 virgins' thing too, which is a bonus.

On that point, though, is there a commission structure? Do I get extra cash if I try to blow shit up, and is the amount of my salary assessed based on the size and straggliness of my facial growth? Alternatively, do I need some sort of disfigurement or can I merely pretend to have one eye and a hook-hand? Obviously if none of this is necessary, I can claim the full 25 grand for sitting around my house in my pants watching Al-Jazeera. Not that I mind doing so, of course - I would imagine the majority of those you're already put under control orders do exactly that.

Death to the infidel. See? I can do it, gissa job.

I'd also be grateful if you would clarify whether the salary is tax-free? I was thinking it might be better if I became a self-employed Terror Suspect, as then I could claim my copy of the Koran as a legitimate business expense, and also take on clients from other Governments who could then pay me to hate their societies as well. My accountant recommends that I approach it this way, so if all cheques would be made payable to 'Professional Not-Quite Terrorists Ltd' I'd be most obliged. If you have a recommended supplier for suicide belts, please let me know.

I think I would make a good Suspected Terrorist, and in anticipation of your acceptance of me to the role am going to spend the day thinking of how to detonate the Justice Ministry. Insh'Allah and all that.

Yours sincerely

Dun Qaeda

PS: I've already bought 20 tonnes of fertiliser and an AK47 - can I claim these on expenses?

Brown Makes Public Apology

Brown - apology offered to the British People.

In an unprecedented statement, the late John Brown today issued a public apology for the actions of his son, Prime Minister James Gordon Brown.

Speaking through spritualist medium Derek Acorah, the father of the PM said he deeply regretted his actions leading up to the birth of Gordon, and wished publicly to apologise to the British people for the hurt and inconvenience he had caused as a result.

Former Church of Scotland Minister Mr Brown Sr said, "I feel that in this current spirit of apology for actions past which cannot now be changed, it's important that I say 'sorry' to the British people. Sorry that you were taken from relative financial comfort and placed in penury and a future of debt.

"Sorry for the totalitarian suffering, the fiscal starvation and the cold absence of competence, of a straight answer, of care for the nation."

Choking back emotion, John Brown added, "I said to Bunty - we're Presbyterians, not bloody Catholics. We're allowed to use birth control. But she wouldn't have any of it, one thing led to another and, well, the British people have suffered as a result. I deeply regret my selfish actions and should have withdrawn from the situation earlier. If I'd been more sensible and prudent, then that misbegotten wretch would never have come into this world, and it would've been all the better for it."

A spokesman for the British people said that while they accepted the late Mr Brown's apology, the damage was now done and the only action they required in reparation was the Prime Minister's apology and removal from office.

Plastic Chemicals 'Feminise Boys'

Not girly: this boy's mother wasn't exposed to plastics.

Chemicals in plastics alter the brains of baby boys making them 'more feminine', according to researchers in the US.

The research adds to concerns about the safety of phthalates, which are found in vinyl flooring and shower curtains.

The head of the research group, Amanda Bulldyke, said, "results from urine samples, combined with behavioural analysis, showed that babies born to women exposed to a diet of phthalates were more likely to be utter nancy-boys. I mean complete wusses, you wouldn't believe it. Honest. They were playing with dolls and everything".

The Department of Health urged mothers not to panic at the results. Health Secretary Andy Burnham appealed for calm, saying, "while this research is worrying, we would urge expectant mothers not to change their diets. Eating the odd shower curtain or bit of linoleum as part of a balanced diet is not going to result in your baby boy growing up to be Danny La Rue or Graham Norton".

Labour MP and wimmins activist Harridan Harperson welcomed the findings and called for phthalates to be added to the UK water supply in the same way as fluoride. She added, "this is the perfect antidote to the horrid disease that is manliness. By introducing phthalates as a water additive, we can ensure the final supremacy of the sisterhood and the emasculation of all men, who I know aren't as good as wimmin at anything."

However, men's rights activists have criticised the findings and the research methods. David Pussywhip of 'New Age Men For Equality Now, Please, If That's Alright Darling' said, "we refute this research completely. It's wrong to say that men are being feminised in any way. Men are as big and tough as we have always been, and no amount of lino-poisoning will change the fact that it's a man's world. Does my bum look big in these jeans?"

BBC Launch New Comedy Series

The BBC have today announced the launch of a new comedy series, to be shown in the runup to the General Election.

The series, which has been titled 'Against The Odds' follows the hilarious antics of a desperate Government hoping against hope for re-election, and features a host of comic characters from the past in cameo roles, including Keir Hardie and Aneurysm Bevan.

BBC Head of Comedy Nick Robinson said, "this is a groundbreaking comedy drama - a mix of 'Shameless', 'The New Statesman' and 'Only Fools And Horses', with a generous dollop of 'Laurel & Hardy'. With ham-fisted antics to rival the Keystone Kops, the audience gets to follow the increasingly-desperate Government attempts at re-election. Parts of the pilot episode had me in tears of laughter, especially the bit where they try to convince the US President to become a Party member.

"However, the episode where the Prime Minister gets locked in a toilet and hilarious hi-jinks ensue is absolute comedy gold, rivalled only by the one when Peter Mandelson gets his television address script mixed up with his mortgage application".

Queen's Speech Leaked: Further Apologies to be Made

"S...s...s...s....sor.r.r.r.r.r......no, I can't do it."

Reports have reached The Diary that the traditional text of the Queen's Speech, due on Wednesday 18 November, is to be changed for this year.

A source close to the Prime Mincer said that due to the expected General Election in 2010, there was insufficient Parliamentary time available to introduce any new laws, and that therefore Her Majesty would instead be making public a list of the apologies Gordon Brown intends to make to various injured parties from history over the next six months.

While the full list of subjects for which the PM will be groveling remains unknown, The Diary has obtained exclusive material which confirms some of the historical incidents, including:

• Apology and reparations made to living victims of the Boer War internment camps;
• A statement of remorse for the use of 'Penal Transportation', when convicts were sent to Australia or the Americas;
• An apology for the Dissolution of the Monasteries during the reign of King Henry VIII;
• Compensation to be paid to the descendants of those who survived the use of Weapons of Mass Destruction, including the longbow, at the Battle of Agincourt;
• A further apology to France for the actions of Harold Godwinson in cheating William of Normandy from his rightful throne;
• An offer of redress to the world for Britain's actions in publicising Katie Price, Simon Cowell, Paul Daniels and Jedward.

Despite a number of rumours from various sources, Mr Brown is not expected to offer an apology to the British people for his bargain-basement gold sale, his decimation of the economy or his implementation of a surveillance state.

Mr Brown has reportedly employed the services of X-Factor vocal coach Yvie Burnett and celebrated hypnotist Paul McKenna to assist in his preparations for the mass mea culpa, and it is hoped that within around six months he will be able to say the word 'sorry' without stuttering, losing bladder control or attempting to blame everything on the victim.

Dramatic? An Endorsement? None Of The Above.

So we hear that Labour have hailed their win in the Glasgow North East by-election as 'a dramatic victory' and 'an endorsement of Prime Minister Gordon Brown's policies'.

I'm sorry, were we watching the same by-election?

I can hardly see a slightly-reduced majority in a constituency that's such a Labour stronghold they could shave a monkey, stick a rosette on it and still win as a ringing endorsement.

With a turnout of 32% - the lowest in Scottish electoral history - the only thing endorsed by this result was apathy. The Returning Officer could have announced the winner of this non-contest was N O T Above of the Disinterest Party.

And dramatic? See above. Even scaremongering and the appearance of Gollum in the constituency couldn't motivate people out to vote. My morning bowel movement was more dramatic - and coincidentally has greater substance than Labour's claim to any sort of mandate from this result. They may appear to have gained some momentum - but it's only momentum in the same way that if you kick a dead dog downstairs, it'll carry on till it reaches the bottom.

59% of 32% voted Red, meaning that the Labour share of the potential vote was a staggering 19.75%, there or thereabouts. Less than 1 in 5. Hardly a landslide, despite their bouyant claims of the same. All it actually shows is that the average voter is now totally disillusioned by the whole political process - and that Labour are so desperate for some good news - ANY good news - that they'll latch onto a foregone conclusion and try to spin it into an 'against-the-odds' story to rival David and Goliath. When in fact the only similarity is Willie Bain's height.

Any signals for the impending General Election? Well, not in terms of vote share - the Conservatives doing well in Glasgow North-East is about as likely as Labour winning Richmond, Yorks. The big signal, though, is in the turnout. Politics in general is now so degraded and so detached from the average voter that they are, largely, completely disinterested. I've heard tell that some people will even go to the lengths of watching Eastenders rather than vote. If this turnout were repeated, then Mr N O T Above will have his work cut out representing an enormous number of constituencies.

What's to be done? I wish I knew. I don't believe in making voting compulsory - we have the right to vote, not the obligation - and in some ways, those who don't vote are choosing to make their own statement.

We could have a 'none of the above' tickbox - but the problem I see there is that it would make the system unworkable in a FPTP system, because you've have to re-run the election if NOTA won. So to implement NOTA, you'd need PR - which hasn't shown itself as conducive to stable Government in other countries, because of the need to form coalitions.

We need something that forces politicians of all colours to work together, that helps restore trust and that forces the implementation of good law rather than ideologically-based legislation squeezed through by Parliamentary majority. We need, I believe, a Hung Parliament.

Darling Calls For Further Bonus Reform

Darling & Brown: "so we give 'em fewer bullets, and the savings go into the MP's expense pot!"

Alistair Darling, Chancellor of the Exchequer and Glove-Puppet In Chief to the Prime Minister, has said that the banking sector still needs to further reform its bonus culture, according to an interview in a newspaper today.

Speaking to the Wall Street Journal, Mr Darling said, "the fact is that the majority of UK banks are either nationalised or in receipt of vast sums of taxpayers money. It is not right that this money is used to pay 'fat-cat' bonuses to bankers".

Mr Darling said that the money going to the banks and subsequently being paid out in bonuses was better served in other areas of Government expenditure, especially the Ministry of Defence. He added, "bonuses should be paid not for profit, but for efficiency savings, which is why this money would be better paid to MoD employees. For example, one member of the Procurement department made a saving of several hundred thousand pounds this quarter by replacing the kevlar used in body armour with polystyrene - it is right that efficiencies of this nature be rewarded".

The article cites several other instances of efficiency savings made by the MoD in the last twelve months, including the 'one between 12' rule on night-vision goggles that has been estimated to have saved the MoD budget some £5000 for the cost of only 23 lives.

A spokesman for the British Army in Camp Bastian was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy trying to stay alive.

Glasgow Researchers Prove Scientific Theory

"You can shave a monkey, put a red rosette on it . . . "

Scientists at Glasgow University say they have proved a long-standing hypothesis of politics, following the culmination of a long-running experiment last night.

In an article to be published in scientific journal The Wonk's Gazette, the research team claim that they have proved beyond reasonable doubt that voting Labour is not an intellectual decision.

The head of the research team, Professor David Nuttsack of Glasgow University said, "it's been a long-held postulate that when voting Labour in a traditionally red constituency, there is absolutely no rational thought given to the decision. We tested this hypothesis in a two-stage research programme, focusing on the Glasgow North-East contituency and culminating in the by-election process yesterday.

"There's an old adage that one could shave an ape, stick a red rosette on its arse and it would still get more than half the votes. We therefore did exactly that - we picked up a monkey from Edinburgh Zoo, put it in a suit and got him selected as the prospective replacement for Michael Martin".

According to the published study, the second part of the experiment focused on the voting itself. Voters attending a number of polling stations throughout the constituency were paid a nominal sum in McEwans Export to have their brain-patterns monitored as they voted.

A researcher for the brainwave phase said, "we were amazed by what we found. Where we would have expected to see significant activity in the prefrontal and parietal cortexes, which deal with rational and logical thought, instead we saw activity in the Amygdala - that part of the brain that deals with instinctive reactions".

"Our research proves, beyond any doubt, that there is no intellectual reason for voting Labour - it is merely an inherited instinct, with an X made in the relevant box with no higher brain function whatsoever".

We approached newly-elected Labour MP WIllie Bain for comment, and he said, "ook".

Give Gordon a Break

Gordon Brown - give him a break.

Gordon Brown should be given a break. It's the best available
option here. Of course, we know he's a laughing-stock. But
realistically, he's just a man, trapped in his position,
desperately trying to fix a situation he can't control. His
oration skills aren't up to the task - and the truth is, he knows he's
not the man for the job.

But the incessant hounding of Gollum, picking up every error,
railing continually about his poor decision-making and
odd mannerisms, is likely to be counterproductive. We all agree
we want him gone. But attacks from too many quarters will
not be seen as legitimate complaint but as a witch-hunt.

I worry that if a sentiment builds that he's being targeted, that
sympathy could be generated which could save him.

And that, dear Reader, would be a Very Bad Thing.

Forcing Brown down everyone's throats, as the Sun is doing in
unison with other MSM providers and the Blogosphere,
can't change the minds of the true Brownite voter. And the
keen Tory already knows what needs to be done. We don't want to
inculcate a sense of sympathy for Brown, and in doing so
negate the impact of the real failings we've seen in 12 years of this
Government.

Give Brown a break, therefore. Let's stop harping on about his
offences and oddities, and allow him the rope to hang himself. His
oily 'eminence grise', as Minister for Information, can't spin to
nothing the many errors and failings that the Public already know.





(Or, if you feel like I do you could read downward instead.)
This is a response to Dan Hannan's article in the Torygraph today.

Grauniad

Well done to the Grauniad for today's graduation from spelling errors to mistaken identity.

Is that JC in the airborne caravan, as you assert? I think not. Especially as the Grauniad reported the subsequent crash.

Good proofreading, chaps. Well done.