THE DIARY OF A GEEK IN OXFORDSHIRE


"Solving the World's problems with satire and a smile.*"

*And a flamethrower.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

All The News (That's Fit To Print)





UK News

In the headlines today, statistics announced by Government show that the Government is the most awesome in living memory. Quality of life has been shown to have improved in every measurable sense.

A spokesman for the Government said, "this is proof that our policies are working and that under this Government life for all will continue to improve.

The statistics themselves have not been released as they have been deemed not in the public interest. A leaked version of the report indicated that █████████████ ██████████*. Government sources have insisted that the statistics are true and valid. In a related development, reports by various charities and independent bodies purporting to contradict the Government statistics have been blocked from publication by the Statutory Regulator. Details of the subsequent prosecutions are expected in the coming days.

***

The recent alleged scandal involving MP's expenses has been resolved, according to the Parliamentary Standards Committee, after it was deemed that there were no cases to answer.

The Committee confirmed that no rules were broken by MP's in the conduct of their expenses claims and to avoid further misunderstandings, expense claim details would no longer be published. The Committee also reminded the Press of their obligations under the Leveson Rules not to publish anything that had not been approved for publication by the Statutory Regulator.

Crime

A man is to appear in court today charged with offences under the Communication Act, after he published material critical of Government policy despite warnings from the Statutory Regulator.

Mr F Nelson, editor of seditious magazine 'The Spectator', faces charges relating to assertions he made in a leader article that the Government was █████████████ ██████████*. The Judge in the case has warned Nelson he faces a lengthy custodial sentence in view of his historic opposition to the Statutory Regulator and its enforcement of a totally free and open Press.

***

The recent arrest of a political figure in connection with child sexual offences has been made subject to a D-Notice by the Statutory Regulator. The Regulator has confirmed that publishing details relating to this matter would not be in the public interest. The political figure has since returned to work. The Regulator reminds all those involved in the UK's totally free and open Press that attempts to publish details of this or any other political figure allegedly involved in molesting children would breach the Free Press Act 2012.

Culture, Media and Arts

Polly Toynbee of state-owned newspaper Pravda has been awarded the Orwell Prize for Political Journalism. Judges from the Statutory Regulator deemed her piece on the improvement in national quality-of-life since the creation of the Regulator as 'one of the finest pieces of political journalism in our lifetimes, showing why the UK's free and open Press is the best in the world'.

***

14 people have been arrested across the UK under Section 127 of the Communications Act for making offensive and seditious comments about the Government on Twitter. 

A spokesman for the Statutory Regulator said, "people need to remember - published is published is published. If it's Pravda, Facebook or Twitter it doesn't matter - if it's not approved by the Regulator it's not fit to print, and you'll face the consequences. It's this careful approach that has made the UK's free and open Press the best in the world."

Footnotes

The Government has confirmed that it is assessing the findings of the Second Leveson Inquiry, which focused on the use of speech and thought to commit 'acts that would, if in print, fall foul of the Press Act and Communications Act'. The recommendations have not been published as they have been deemed as not in the public interest by the Statutory Regulator, but are thought to include a legal requirement for the content of all conversations between persons over the age of 16 to be pre-approved by the Statutory Regulator. The issuing of Acceptable Conversation Certificates will be used to enforce the Regulator's powers. There is no information yet available on the proposed penalties for unauthorised conversation. 

A spokesman for the Statutory Regulator confirmed that they are to implement an interim blanket ban on people talking to one another until they can work out the details of the regulatory framework. However, there are no plans to regulate thought at this time, mostly because anyone who thinks State regulation of the Press is a good idea really isn't thinking anyway.

*This content redacted on the instructions of the Statutory Regulator: making the UK's free and open Press the best in the world.

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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Government Acts to Curb Irresponsible Behaviour



The Government has announced a raft of radical new policies aimed at protecting people from destructive habits, in an attempt to cut down on what has been described as an 'epidemic of problem behaviour'.

The move follows the announcement of a consultation into the minimum-pricing of alcohol to curb the recent growth in people going out and enjoying themselves in the approach to Christmas. The research was welcomed by the Government but the findings were felt not to go far enough.

Department of Health spokesman, Mr T Grinch, said, "for too long now we have seen people enjoying themselves, and spending money on themselves that should, quite rightly, be going towards the important things for the country. The things that matter. Things like payoffs for incompetent public-sector bosses and MP's expenses funds."

"The fact is", Mr Grinch added, "you people simply can't be trusted to be responsible with your money, and insist on giving it to businesses and spending it on your families and frivolous pursuits rather than giving it to the State. So if you can't be grown-up about it, then we have to do what is right."

Under the new policy, which comes into place as of Monday 3 December, employers will be required to submit all salary payments directly to HMRC rather than to employees. A new independent regulatory body, the Disbursary Advisory Division (DAD), will then take over the funds once all statutory taxes have been removed, and will make regular payments of a reasonable allowance to each person.

Treasury sources have promised that they will look after any  surplus money remaining for each taxpayer, putting both the capital and interest generated to use for what the source described as, "worthy causes. Honest".  However, the Treasury insist that the money will be available whenever needed - subject to a detailed business case from the person who wants it, proving that it isn't for anything frivolous like holidays, parties, trendy clothes or that pop music.

A DAD representative said, "there's plenty of wear left in that suit, you don't need a new one. And what do you need more of that loud rubbish for? It's not like there's even a proper tune.  Look at you, with your enjoying yourselves and your weekends and your summer holidays in foreign countries. You treat this country like it's a hotel. We'll give you what you need and not a penny more until you can prove to us that you're going to be responsible."

Louise Mensch was, as always, far too keen to comment.





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Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Republicans Look to British for Relaunch



"Our Republican future will be to say, with one voice - 'do you want fries with that?'"


Breaking News:

Following Mitt Romney's comprehensive defeat to President Barack Obama in yesterday's Presidential elections, the Republican Party has announced a root and branch review of its platform and prolicies, and The Diary can exclusively reveal that it has enlisted top British political consultants to reshape its brand.

Speaking shortly after Mr Romney's concession speech, a heavily-sedated John Boehner said, "it is clear that we did not approach this election with the right people or the right policies for America, and we have tonight paid the price for that. We must learn from this mistake if we are to regain power and make America great once again."

Mr Boehner added, "If we'd only been firmer in our message, then people wouldn't have voted overwhelmingly for un-American things like equal rights, marijuana and even female politicians. We need to focus our agenda more closely on the things that matter to the American people - the economy, immigration, women's rights and of course the issue of gays and lesbians in our society. Britain has cultural history in these things that we in the GOP cannot ignore, and we have already asked the best minds on the topics to consult with us and help redraft our policies for the run to the 2016 election.

GOP sources including aides to Rush Limbaugh, Todd Akin's legal advisers, the curators of Sarah Palin's brain cell and Donald Trump's psychiatric nurse have confirmed that the Republicans are disappointed that their message to the US electorate was not properly delivered or understood by voters. One spokesman said, "we never should've paid for that useless, godless, liberal East-coast pansy-ass moderate Romney, even though he was rich enough. We need a good old-fashioned God-fearin', gun-totin', wife-beatin' multibillionaire evangelist Christian to show this new-fangled modern liberal America what Republican values truly mean. Then they'll vote for us. Or we'll buy the rest of the voting machines, whatever works."

A leaked internal Republican Party document, obtained by The Diary, has confirmed that deals have already been struck with a number of key political figures and advisers from the UK, including:
  • BNP leader and leading untermensch Nick Griffin will advise on Immigration especially in the key Republican state of Arizona. Mr Griffin is expected to add weight to Arizona legislation making it a capital offence to be in possession of a Hispanic accent. 
  • Radical preacher Toejam Choudhary will advise on women's issues, with a view to ensuring that Republican views on women's rights are fully rounded, especially the stones to throw at any woman who dares leave the kitchen.
  •  Former Prime Ministers Tony Blair and Gordon Brown have been asked to join a working party with President GW Bush, to examine how Republican fiscal policy can repair the damage done by the Obama administration and return to spunking trillions of dollars in defence spending and then hiding it off the books. One spokesman pointed out that the Labour Government's PFI initiatives, which almost concealed some £250bn of spending, was 'an ideal blueprint' for the new fiscal policy.
  • The Republican position on abortion in the case of rape is to be radically revised, taking into account the success of the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy used in the US Forces. A new bill, tentatively entitled 'Keep Your Goddamn Mouth Shut, Harlot' is expected to be published shortly.
Republican sources are reportedly disappointed that they were not able to find a British consultant prepared to argue that the Earth was created by God just a few thousand years ago, but they accepted that nobody in Britain was stupid enough to believe that anyway. However, Archbishop Rowan Williams, the current God-Botherer in Chief of the Anglican Church, is reputed to be considering the role on a part-time basis. 

It is expected that the revised Republican platform should be launched in the coming days to coincide with the launch of the 2016 Presidential election campaigns a week next Tuesday. Pundits at Fox News have confidently predicted a Santorum/Akin ticket for the race, maintaining the GOP tradition of descent into regressive insanity.

Pollster, psychic and preternatural farseer Nate Silver, along with Democrat and centrist think-tanks, have welcomed the Republican announcement and the expected confirmation that the Republican Party will effectively become unelectable for a generation. 













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Monday, November 05, 2012

Romney Promises Wealth Redistribution


"How much tax do I pay? This much, folks!"


As the US Presidential campaign entered its last frenetic hours, Republican candidate Mitt Romney has insisted that his Presidency will be 'the party of fairness', and spoken in more detail on his fiscal plans.

 Speaking at a public meeting in New Hampshire, Mr Romney stressed the accessibility of his campaign, pointing out that the attendees at his stump speech had only had to pay $15,000 each and provide documentary evidence of their ancestry, religion and net worth before being permitted to cheer for their candidate.

 Mr Romney said, "I know that in these times of financial hardship, caused by President Obama and his wars in Iraq and Afghanistan - it WAS him, honest -  fairness and wealth-creation is important for all. I want people to understand that as President, I will ensure the proper redistribution of wealth in this great nation of ours".

A briefing document provided by campaign staffers to attendees outlined the details of Mr Romney's budget plans, and offered the first clear policy statement on the candidate's much-vaunted wealth-redistribution scheme. Methods to be used by a Romey administration include the institution of an 80% basic rate of income tax on all people earning less than $10m per year, with the proceeds being used to fund a 0% rate of tax on billionaires and increased funding for Halliburton, Bain Capital and Congresssional pension funds.

A Romney campaign aide pointed out that the proposed budget move would have "a net positive impact on jobs", with the resultant collapsing businesses meaning more jobs were created in China, creating a further budget boost for the Romney Cayman Islands Account economy.

Further policies allowing the forcible repatriation of anyone who can't trace their ancestry back to 1776 (with a politician exemption clause), the introduction of a $0 minimum wage on non-white and women workers, and a new hunting permit allowing those owning two or more companies to legally hunt gays and bisexuals, are expected to be published immediately after the Inuaguration, with a new 'Woman's Place In The Home' Bill, mandating the use of the Scolds Bridle and near-continuous pregnancy, expected in early 2014.

 To rapturous applause, Mr Romney told his attendees, "We need to make America great again. To take it back to a time of fairness - when the rich got what they deserved, and the American masses had rights and freedom. Real freedom, folks. Freedom to die on the streets or in their homes as long as they'd outlived their usefulness. Freedom to contract septicaemia from illegal back-street abortions, to suffer agonies from untreated, unaffordable healthcare conditions. Freedom to be beaten to death for their their colour, creed or sexuality. Freedom to aspire to own a car while you wash mine for me. Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to make me richer."

 "We need to redistribute the wealth - share it fairly, taking it away from the feckless who simply use their salaries to feed their families, and restore that stolen wealth to those of us who can invest it properly in offshore bank accounts and foreign wars and oil exploration. That's what made America great, and I will bring those halcyon days of robber-baron feudalism back."

 Current polling indicates that the Presidential race is deadlocked, largely due to the Republican party owning all the voting machines. Polling takes place on Tuesday 6 November, with the results of the election due sometime in 2013 when all the voter-suppression laws have been challenged in the courts.

Donald Trump's wig was unavailable for comment.

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Friday, October 19, 2012

The Recipe for MP's Dosh





Shades of 2009 have returned with grim inevitability. Three years on, our 'leaders' show us that the only thing they learned from the public outcry, gnashing of John Lewis lists and jail sentences was how to game the system even more - sadly, exactly the way I predicted.

On the upside, though, the avarice and mendacity of the 646 MPiggies has, at least, returned my heart to song - this time with apologies to Harry Connick Jr.

The Recipe for MP's Dosh

Buy a second home and let it out to someone new,
Profit on the income and claim rent expenses too,
Then flip its status to avoid the Revenue,
And that's the recipe for MP's dosh,




 Don't worry that the public's getting wise to your deceit,
 Use FOI to keep it from the plebs out on the street,
Just add a spouse's wages to make your scam complete,
And that's the recipe for MP's dosh,




And if you've got it right you'll know it,
Just sit back and watch your net worth soar,
And if you've got it wrong you'll know it,
'cause the Press will be knockin' at your door,


Leave the book with all the regulations on the shelf,
The taxpayer exists for you to maximise your wealth,
We're not in this together, you're a law unto yourself ,
And that's the recipe for MP's dosh!



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Monday, October 08, 2012

CPS Herald 'New Age of Civility'


The Crown Prosecution Service today announced a new scheme designed to herald "a new age of civility", following a new interpretation of hate speech laws to include absolutely anything anyone could say, ever. 

An unprecedented expansion of Section 127 of the Communications Act 2003 will enable the jailing of people for new definitions of hate speech to include 'tastelessness in a public place', 'being an idiotic gobshite while under the influence' and 'making sick jokes on the internet with intent to wound someone's feelings', a crime for which the jail sentence has been increased to match that for Labour peers who kill people while texting and driving

A spokesman for the CPS said, "it is vitally important in today's world that nobody should say anything at all that might conceivably cause offence to anyone, anywhere, at any time now or in the future. This sort of crime results in wounded feelings, and the victim support costs for some completely random person being offended by something they might potentially see and be offended about, even though they had nothing to do with any part of it and no relation to it, runs to eleventy billion pounds per victim. It is only right, therefore, that someone who says something unfunny and tasteless on the internet should be arrested, jailed and have a criminal record blighting his entire future."

The spokesman added, "the sentencing of this vile individual for the worst possible crime on the statute book - saying something stupid - should remind all people that the Criminal Justice system exists to create a glorious new age of civility, when nobody will ever say anything even slightly naughty to anyone ever again. Of course, it also ensures there's a healthy supply of convicts, which will guarantee CPS, Police and Court Service budgets in these times of austerity, but that's not important of course." 

 The Department of Justice confirmed that the s127 law has now been expanded to include absolutely any and all "jokes, sarcastic remarks, irony, criticism, tellings-off, negativity, naughtiness or anything which might, in the mind of anyone at all, conceivably be considered offensive, upsetting or slightly rude". A spokesman confirmed that further consultancy was under way to introduce legislation to pre-empt potentially offensive language, including outlawing being a stupid teenager, having too much to drink, or just doing something stupid you later regret. Unnamed sources said that the DoJ is investigating whether members of the public can be offended by comments about the weather, and is working in conjunction with the Department of Health to establish whether removing the vocal cords and fingers of all British citizens may be a viable immediate option as opposed to the longer-term process of simply atrophying their brains - a strategy that has been going on now for over 30 years. 

Police sources also said that they were consulting on allowing the reinstatement of lynch mobs, turning up at the houses of people who say anything they don't like, which it is felt may reduce Police paperwork. 

Comedians across the UK were unavailable for comment, as they've all gone into hiding fearing arrest.

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Friday, September 28, 2012

Shock as F1's Hamilton Announces McLaren Departure



The world of Formula One was thrown into disarray this morning by the shock announcement that Lewis Hamilton is to leave the McLaren F1 team, to whom he has been contracted since conception.

 The news comes as McLaren, who have shown a recent resurgence in form, increased their salary offer for the 27-year-old to 'all the money in the world ever plus a pound, honest' - levels unprecedented within even Michael Schumacher's negotiations with his insurance company.

The new deal, signed by Hamilton's management company Svengali Associates, will see Hamilton turn in his racing overalls for a Union Jack dress as he takes over a 3-year contract replacing Geri Halliwell in a relaunched Spice Girls team. Hamilton's salary for the move is undisclosed, but the management company is rumoured to be taking a cut in the region of eleventy squillion pounds

 A spokesman for Svengali Associates explained "Brand Hamilton is quitting his underperforming racing career in favour of the vapid celebrity life he has clearly aspired to for so long, and to which all our management clients aspire. We are confident that this is the right career step for Lewis, and in the coming months we expect to sign independent deals for a perfume, new underwear, and a collaboration R'n'B album with Fiddy Cent."

 The 2008 World Champion is expected to crown his move from talented F1 driver to pointless slab with a place on next year's Strictly Come Dancing, and his management company are not commenting on rumours that he will make a final, dire appearance eating bugs in a jungle for Ant & Dec before disappearing into obscurity, having squandered his talent and money in pursuit of transient fame.

However, the spokesman pointed out that that disappearance would not come before Svengali Associates had "extorted stratospheric levels of cash from his brand".

 Fernando Alonso, Sebastian Vettel and Jenson Button were too busy working hard at being professional racing drivers to comment.

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