Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Monday, March 26, 2012

EXCLUSIVE: Tables Of Power - A Diary Investigation

The row over the 'cash for access' allegations took a more serious turn tonight, with The Diary able to provide exclusive evidence that other senior figures in the Coalition and Opposition parties have also been hawking their dubious conversational skills around the rich and powerful of the nation.

In an exclusive sting operation by our exclusive roving reporter Dun Geekin, The Diary was able to gain seats at the dining tables* of many influential and powerful politicians, often for much less than the £250,000 paid by so many wealthy** Tory Party donors.

Posing as billionaire dung broker Simon Cowell, your fearless reporter contacted the assistants of various leading political figures, offering promises of donations in return for dinner dates and influence over policy, and the results make for shocking reading.

Liberal Democrat leader and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said that he would offer, "the fullest influence at my disposal - but at a price commensurate with that power and influence", before offering a seat at his exclusive dinner for £7.50 and a packet of Skittles.

We were able to arrange lunch, and the chance to ensure a question of our choice was tabled by 'a tame MP' at PMQ's by Deputy Squeaker John Bercow, for just £5,000 - but he made the proviso that we had to help tuck his high-chair in.

Your brave reporter did attempt to arrange a lunch with Conservative (very) heavy-hitter Eric Pickles, but were forced to abandon the attempt when the Secretary of State for communities attempted to eat his arm.

London Mayoral candidate Ken Livingstone offered a 'working breakfast and the chance to shoot the Jew of your choice' for £20,000 in non-sequential bills paid to his company for tax reasons.

In all cases, The Diary's reporter made his excuses and left, rather than influence policy to the point that the politicos actually did something sensible for once in their miserable lives.

However, just after our sting operation ended we were contacted directly by 'Little Red' Ed Millipede, who offered to let us write the entire Labour Manifesto if we'd just give him a cuddle and tell him we actually liked him. Our reporter declined.

The dossier of our investigation, and the shocking case of access to politicians and influence for money, has been passed to Rupert Murdoch who was probably in need of a good laugh.

*Apart from John Prescott, who uses a trough and who'd eaten all the food before your reporter arrived.
** And mindless.

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Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Politicians Quarantined in Health Scare

In a development unprecedented since the 1997 Conservative Cull, it was this afternoon announced that all British Politicians are to be placed in immediate and total quarantine.

The announcement was made following what appears to be the worst outbreak of Foot In Mouth Disease in living memory spreading across the Parliamentary benches.

In a combined operation involving experts from the Department of Health, the Ministry if Agriculture, Fisheries and Food and other specialists, all politicians in the UK have been placed in immediate quarantine in the Palace of Wesetminster, and will be denied the oxygen of publicity believed to fuel the spread of the disease.

Experts first became aware of the extent of the problem recently when two members of the species, from different habitats, both exhibited simultaneous symptoms today. Ed Milipede, Latin name Politicanus Redleftius, and Lib-Dem coalition jester Bozo The Cable (P. Limpdummius), both showed signs of infection, with Milipede reduced to even more of an adenoidal babble than usual on a pointless radio phone-in and Cable publishing a letter attacking the very Government he's a Minister in.

A Department of Health Spokesman said, "these are two early cases, but what we are seeing now is the widespread infection of politicians in general. Previously we thought it was contained to Prescott's unintelligible babble and the odd halfwit comment from Ken Clarke - and, of course, Ken Livingstone has been suffering from Foot In Mouth for years but he's largely self-quarantined anyway.

"However, these two recent cases, along with the Prime Minister suffering an attack and promising millions of pounds we haven't got to avoid being lynched by union nurses, means that we have to take serious measures immediately for the greater public good."

Voters around the country have rallied in support of the move, and suggested that the standard approach taken with cattle of shooting and setting fire to every single politician would certainly be in the public interest.

However, it is feared that the outbreak may already have spread to other countries, with cases appearing in the United States, where Presidential no-hopeful Rick Santorum has declared the female uterus part of the Axis of Evil, and also in Russia, where a severe case led to Vladimir Putin declaring he had an electoral mandate.

Peter Mandelson was oleaginous for comment.

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Sunday, March 04, 2012

BREAKING: God to Sue Catholic Church

'The Diary' has received exclusive information that God, the reclusive titular head of most organised religions worldwide, has today launched legal action against the Roman Catholic Church.

The suit, filed in the names of J Hova, his son and a nebulous H Ghost of no fixed address, is believed to be the first of its kind where an individual has filed a class-action suit in the names of his multiple personalities.

The Diary has exclusively seen the text of the legal action, which demands damages from the Catholic Church for 'misrepresentation of a Deity figure, His Teachings and His attitude and cites a number of acts taken in His name including the First, Second and Third Crusades and the appointment of the current Pontiff, His Heiliness Obergruppenfuhrer Von Benedict XVI.

However, the event that finally prompted God, immortal, into legal action was an article by Cardinal Keith O'Brien, Britain's most senior religious transvestite, calling same-sex marriage 'madness' and 'a grotesque subversion of a universally accepted human right'.

God's spokesangel, Mr Bernard Bush, attacked the comments and explained the reasoning behind the legal action, saying, "God is being utterly misrepresented here by organised religion in general, and the Catholic Church in this matter in particular. God is a being of love, and gave love to all mankind, irrespective of where any human wishes to insert his genitalia. Altarboys excepted. That really pisses God off, we've got special plans for those priests."

Mr Bush added, "marriage is marriage, love is love. You lot, despite all your screwups, were created in His image and homosexuality is part of His plan. I mean, you *know* He moves in mysterious ways, right? Right? And yet you spout from some section of a 1700-year-old book like it's gospel or something, ignoring the bits where it also bans bowl haircuts, polyester and shellfish. Enough's enough."

The Catholic Church is expected to defend its position on business grounds, pointing out that tolerance is unlikely to pay the bills on the huge number of vastly-expensive lands and properties they own around the globe.

A separate case by God against the Islamic faith, challenging the use of suicide bombers in His name, was rejected by the European Court of Human Rights. In their decision, they pointed out that while they broadly supported the case against blowing shit up in the name of Allah without checking with Him first, the Court did not have jurisdiction to handle submissions by immortal, omnipotent Supreme Beings. Mr Hova was advised to take his case instead to his local Small Claims Court.

Ed Miliband was adenoidal for comment.

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