Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Glasgow Researchers Prove Scientific Theory

"You can shave a monkey, put a red rosette on it . . . "

Scientists at Glasgow University say they have proved a long-standing hypothesis of politics, following the culmination of a long-running experiment last night.

In an article to be published in scientific journal The Wonk's Gazette, the research team claim that they have proved beyond reasonable doubt that voting Labour is not an intellectual decision.

The head of the research team, Professor David Nuttsack of Glasgow University said, "it's been a long-held postulate that when voting Labour in a traditionally red constituency, there is absolutely no rational thought given to the decision. We tested this hypothesis in a two-stage research programme, focusing on the Glasgow North-East contituency and culminating in the by-election process yesterday.

"There's an old adage that one could shave an ape, stick a red rosette on its arse and it would still get more than half the votes. We therefore did exactly that - we picked up a monkey from Edinburgh Zoo, put it in a suit and got him selected as the prospective replacement for Michael Martin".

According to the published study, the second part of the experiment focused on the voting itself. Voters attending a number of polling stations throughout the constituency were paid a nominal sum in McEwans Export to have their brain-patterns monitored as they voted.

A researcher for the brainwave phase said, "we were amazed by what we found. Where we would have expected to see significant activity in the prefrontal and parietal cortexes, which deal with rational and logical thought, instead we saw activity in the Amygdala - that part of the brain that deals with instinctive reactions".

"Our research proves, beyond any doubt, that there is no intellectual reason for voting Labour - it is merely an inherited instinct, with an X made in the relevant box with no higher brain function whatsoever".

We approached newly-elected Labour MP WIllie Bain for comment, and he said, "ook".

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John M Ward said...

Well, I already knew of the Recess Monkey's recent return, but even so…

By the way, your link in this article is incomplete.

schlumpf23 said...

I've just come back from work, shattered & depressed. This post just made my day. Thanks.