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Thursday, November 19, 2009

Darling in Protective Custody Following Threats

"You there! Third row, bad tie. Could you lend me a fiver till next payday?"

Chancellor Alistair Darling is reportedly in hiding at a secret location today, following revelations that threats of violence had been made against him.

A spokesman for the Treasury confirmed that Mr Darling was receiving Police protection, after the receipt of a series of letters and visits that constituted a 'clear and present threat to the Chancellor's life'.

Metropolitan Police sources said that the threats were believed to have been made by two men, South London loansharks Charlie 'Bankroll' Edgar and John Michael 'Chainsaw' Flynn. The men are believed to have loaned Mr Darling £11 billion over the last month alone, and a total of £87 billion in the year to date, after no reputable lender would offer the Government any more cash.

The Treasury spokesman said, "Alistair's terrified. He's been paying them off at a tenner a week, but what with the MoD bonus payments and slipping Ed Balls some cash to stay quiet, he was a bit short for the last two payments. He started getting visits late at night, and the final straw came when Mr Flynn threatened to shave the Chancellor's eyebrows off - that was it, he went to the Police and they've got him in protective custody."

He added, "we'll have the money. It's just a cash-flow problem, we only need a couple more weeks. Honest."

Mr Flynn refused to comment on the allegations, but confirmed that both he and Mr Edgar were planning action against Mr Darling in the Small Claims Court for an expected total of £175bn plus £50 in costs.

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Anonymous said...

Could be worse, Al could have had his head nailed to a coffee table by Dinsdale Piranha

Any Colour but Brown said...

The Police spokesman added that Mr Darling was being kept at their secret safe house at 37, Acacia Avenue, Neasden.......