Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

A Job Application

Bonus payments for size and straggliness of facial topiary?

Dear Ministry of Justice

I would like to formally apply for the position of 'Suspected Terrorist', and would be grateful if you would please make me subject to a Control Order as a result?

You see, I've been doing a bit of thinking and I figure that £25k for me to grow a beard and shout 'Death to the infidel' now and again seems like a pretty good deal. I mean, I work full-time and I don't make much more than that now.

In return for paying all my living expenses, I promise to write lots of articles praising Allah and give you plenty of material to justify ID Cards and an ongoing 'War on Terror', so you'd be getting good value for your money. And as I won't actually blow myself up, you'll be saving on the whole '72 virgins' thing too, which is a bonus.

On that point, though, is there a commission structure? Do I get extra cash if I try to blow shit up, and is the amount of my salary assessed based on the size and straggliness of my facial growth? Alternatively, do I need some sort of disfigurement or can I merely pretend to have one eye and a hook-hand? Obviously if none of this is necessary, I can claim the full 25 grand for sitting around my house in my pants watching Al-Jazeera. Not that I mind doing so, of course - I would imagine the majority of those you're already put under control orders do exactly that.

Death to the infidel. See? I can do it, gissa job.

I'd also be grateful if you would clarify whether the salary is tax-free? I was thinking it might be better if I became a self-employed Terror Suspect, as then I could claim my copy of the Koran as a legitimate business expense, and also take on clients from other Governments who could then pay me to hate their societies as well. My accountant recommends that I approach it this way, so if all cheques would be made payable to 'Professional Not-Quite Terrorists Ltd' I'd be most obliged. If you have a recommended supplier for suicide belts, please let me know.

I think I would make a good Suspected Terrorist, and in anticipation of your acceptance of me to the role am going to spend the day thinking of how to detonate the Justice Ministry. Insh'Allah and all that.

Yours sincerely

Dun Qaeda

PS: I've already bought 20 tonnes of fertiliser and an AK47 - can I claim these on expenses?

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reener said...

I've always thought about that term "Suspect Terrorist". Like, hmm, we're not sure if he blew up that building or not. We "suspect" that he did it because he admitted to it. Like no shit Sherlock!

Ted Treen said...


Whenever I think you've reached your peak, you surpass it.