Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Climate Policies 'Improve Health'

CLimate Change health benefits: "not a diversionary tactic at all".

Cutting emissions to mitigate climate change will also improve people's health and welfare, according to research released today.

The research, which is published in a series of articles in propaganda sheetmedical journal The Lancet, comes hot on the heels of reports that critical data about the speed and severity of climate change was 'sexed-up', and offers evidence of a number of health and well-being benefits to going green.

Chief researcher Vegan Van Sandalvera said, "to be honest, if we're not allowed to use the Mann Trick to screw with the data, we're pretty much grasping at straws to keep our funding. However, by using rigorous scientific methods and careful data extrapolation, we have been able scientifically to identify major benefits to reducing carbon emissions.

"For example, a reduction of just 5% in your personal carbon footprint will result in an average increase in penis size of 1.5" for men, and a corresponding half-cup increase in bra sizes for women while simultaneously dropping a dress size. That's scientifically-proven, that is".

Mr Van Sandalvera also added, "other scientifically-proven facts are that a 15% reduction in global emissions would completely eradicate all illnesses, especially the swine-flu virus. It would also make erectile disfunction a thing of the past, and we're confident that it would also rid the world of Jedward and Katie Price, though we're still working on the maths for that".

A spokesman for pressure group Cut Carbon Now (Or We'll Set Fire To Your Dog), who sponsored the research, denied allegations that the research was released to divert attention from the embarrassing CRU emails scandal, and this was also vigorously denied by Mr Van Sandelvera who said, "it is not a diversionary tactic. This is proper science and everything. Could we have some more funding now please?"

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banned said...


Gosh, their website seems to have crashed under the weight of interest.

JuliaM said...

We've already seen how the Lancet plays fast and loose with the facts, though. Remember MMR? Remember the Iraqi death toll?