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Monday, November 23, 2009

Glasto Website Crashes After U2 Announce Gig

St. Bono: "I need two loaves. And if anyone's got five fishes, that would be grand."

The online ticket-booking service for the Glastonbury Festival has reportedly crashed today, after thousands of festival-goers attempted to login simultaneously.

The news follows the announcement that sanctimonious pain-in-the-arse Saint Bono of U2 is to preach to the Festival for the first time in its 40-year history, and follows the Saint's recent miracle when he fed 10 million people through YouTube.

However, the news that attendees would be subjected to Saint Bono's hypocritical ramblings about how unfair the world is for everyone except him was not met with universal acclaim, and the ticket-booking system was flooded with an unprecedented number of cancellation requests.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that some 48% of sold tickets have already been returned, with phone lines and the website still clogged with stoners desperately trying to avoid what has already been dubbed 'The Sermon on the Farm'.

One festival-goer said, "it's the Glastonbury Festival, innit. I go to get soaking wet, covered in mud, maybe get a blowjob from an E'd-up hippy chick, and to get mashed out of my gourd. I don't want some 'holier-than thou' fuckwit railing at me about the iniquities of world debt, it would put me right off my ketamine".

Bono was unavailable for comment, as he was busy polishing his halo.

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