Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Friday, February 26, 2010

PM 'Delighted' at UK Growth Figures

IMF: Keeping a truckload of cash on standby.

The Government have proudly hailed their management of the economy, after revised figures released today indicated that the UK is slightly less fucked than was first thought.

The Office of National Statistics, releasing its first revision to the figures for the last quarter of 2009, said that it was believed the UK economy had grown by 0.3% rather than the 0.1% previously published. The true figures are expected to be released after the Election, when the PM won't be beating up ONS staff to get his own way.

The increase has been put down to stronger growth than expected in services and manufacturing, and is nothing at all to do with a weak pound. Honest.

Announcing the figures and wearing a laurel wreath, Prime Minister And Saviour of the World Gordon 'Colostomy' Brown said, "this is a marvelous day. I am delighted that these figures, fully justifying my economic genius in printing eleventy-billion extra pounds of money.

"The figures released today show the strong, vibrant growth that can be expected of a Labour Government. In fact, when you look at it through the eyes of a Labour economist, this is in fact growth far in excess of any other country not just in the Eurozone, nor in the G7, but in fact the world. 0.3 is three times more than 0.1, so I can say we've had 300% growth over estimates.300% growth is not to be underestimated."

While the BBC have confirmed the figure of 300% growth and lauded the great leadership of the Fiscal Genius Gordon, other sources have pointed out the potential impact of rising inflation on future figures, and that the UK is still at high risk of a 'double-dip' recession. However, the PM rejected the suggestion as 'talking down Britain' and 'factionism', and insisted that any return to recession would be after the election and thus the fault of the Tories.

The IMF have responded cautiously to the news that the UK is slightly less wrecked than was originally reported. Lotta Cashcountin, Senior Analyst at the IMF, said, "this is possibly good news, but to early to tell. However, we are tentatively upgrading the UK's status from 'Totally Fucked' to 'Almost Completely Buggered', and will keep the situation under review and a truckload of cash on standby for when they finally do collapse."

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Report Demands Action on Child Sexualisation

A tragic example of over-sexualisation in children.

A report published today for the Home Office has highlighted serious concerns about the sexualisation of children, and called for strong action to turn back the tide of damage reportedly being caused by images and messages in advertising, games, music and print media.

The report, by Dr Linda Papadopoulos, says that there is a clear link between sexualised imagery and violence towards females. Children were being exposed to the imagery through the growth of lads' mags, music videos and big-name fashion brands. The result, she said, was that boys were fixating on being macho and dominant, while girls in turn presented themselves as sexually available and permissive.

Dr Papadopolous said, "sexualisation must be accepted as harmful, and we must do something about it. Won't somebody please think of the children?"

The report conducted exhaustive research into the issue of child sexualisation, with Dr Papadopoulos surveying childcare experts, Government lobbyists, Internet censorship pressure groups and Guardian readers.

She strongly rejected suggestions that the best way to deal with the problem was responsible parents teaching their kids by good example and instilling self-esteem, saying, "it's a ridiculous idea. Everyone knows that the only people who are responsible enough to raise children properly are Government, and people who write books about raising children. Nobody else knows anything."

Dr Papadopoulos has made 36 recommendations, including the banning of all music, video games and advertising which may be viewed by children. She said, "while this may seem draconian, we cannot guarantee that music and games which may be intended for an audience of older teenagers will not be viewed by younger children - and we have to think of the children."

The report has also recommended the removal of all sexualised images from the Internet, and the blocking of any site which supports anything other than a Government-defined positive body image. When advised that this would require a massive degree of censorship, Dr Papadopoulos insisted that it was necessary to protect the children.

Dr Papadopoulos also called for the banning of older brothers, saying, "our research shows that young boys may gain access to adult material possessed by an older sibling. Therefore, it is right that this access be banned by the removal of potentially-harmful older male influences from the home."

Reports that the underwear section of the Littlewoods catalogue - where many boys of a certain age made their first tentative discoveries of the female form - is also to be banned, remain unconfirmed.

The Government has welcomed the report, saying that they were considering further legislation to protect children including the banning of all adult contact with children and restrictions on clothing. A spokesman for the Ministry of Childrun, Edyucayshun & Famblies said that representations on child protection from Taliban, Amish and 17th-Century Puritan groups were being considered as part of a wider consultation exercise.

Minister for Misandry Harridan Harperson also welcomed the report, saying, "anything that takes responsibility away from parents and into the hands of Government legislation is a good thing. And anyway, I know it's all the fault of males. These initial recommendations will do until we can find a way to ban teenage boys completely."

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Thursday, February 25, 2010

Bridge Withdrawal Prompts New England Selection Crisis

Manchester City and former England cuckold Wayne Bridge.

England Manager Fabio Capello has announced a radical new selection strategy for the England football squad, as the World Cup build-up begins.

The news came in the wake of an announcement by Manchester City cuckold Wayne Bridge that he would not be making himself available for England selection following the sex scandal involving former England teammate John Terry.

Bridge's withdrawal comes on top of a number of other key players becoming unavailable:

- Ashley Cole is unavailable following a broken ankle;
- Rio Ferdinand has a back problem;
- John Terry has a date with Fabio Capello's wife;
- David Beckham will be tied up with his hairdresser for the duration of the World Cup.

Further squad problems are expected as well, with Steven Gerrard awaiting sentencing, Michael Owen suffering from a zimmer strain and administrative problems getting Wayne Rooney to Africa because of Animal Transportation legislation.

A spokesman for Fabio Capello admitted that the lack of available players was 'a serious crisis' in the approach to the World Cup, but insisted that Capello's radical new selection approach would ensure England had an adequate squad to take to Johannesburg.

Under the new scheme, selection will be made by way of 22 'Golden Tickets' hidden in items commonly purchased by football fans, including six-packs of Stella, packets of Durex and Sky Sports mailings. Finders of the tickets will then be subject to an exhaustive selection process and, if they have a British passport and have played at least one game of five-a-side since primary school, will be given a place in the squad.

Sources within the Football Association defended the scheme, pointing out that it couldn't lead to performances any worse than those of an official England team in the last 34 years.

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Shock and Horror at Killer Killer Whale

A Killer Whale with his trainer. Who doesn't look anything like a seal, honest.

Management at Orlando's Seaworld have launched an urgent enquiry, and spoken of their shock and horror, after one of their performing killer whales killed a trainer.

The trainer was giving a demonstration in front of hundreds of people when the whale, Tillikum, grabbed her and dragged her underwater.

A spokesman at Orlando Seaworld said, "we are devastated by what's happened, which is totally out of character for Killer Whales, especially Tillikum, who is a very gentle killer whale who's never killed and eaten anyone. Apart from that time in 1991. And the one in 1999.

"We will be conducting an enquiry to establish the circumstances behind this tragic and isolated incident, the likes of which has never happened before except in 1991. And 1999. Our research shows that Killer Whales are lovely, cuddly creatures who, in the wild, like to jump around in front of an audience, jump through hoops and cuddle baby seals. The idea that a Killer Whale might actually kill anything seems completely unreal."

One specialist in cetacean psychology, speaking exclusively to The Diary, denied rumours that Tillikum was, in fact, the world's first serial killer Killer Whale and instead suggested that the whale may have been acting in anger at having a stupid name and being required to perform mindless tricks for a gawping, gormless general public.

Charles Darwin was unavailable for comment.

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PM Faces Assisted Suicide Revolt

Brown, "ending his terminal decline, and the suffering he is causing us as a result."

Prime Minister Gordon Brown is facing a revolt from his backbenchers, following a Law Lords ruling expected today on assisted suicide.

Full guidance aimed at clarifying what factors might mitigate against someone being prosecuted for helping another person to die is due to be released today.

The PM is known to be against assisted suicide, and in an impassioned article in The Telegraph yesterday, he warned of the risk that legalising assisted suicide would pose for 'the weak and vulnerable in society, especially me'.

However, his position has been undermined by members of the Parliamentary Labour Party, who have pointed out that if assisting those in a terminal state to end their lives were legal, they could do what was needed to do and smother the embattled PM with a pillow. One source said, "In the case of someone who has no dignity, it should be right to end this terminal decline and rase the pain he's causing us and the country. We need clarification and confirmation on what is right, and what we can get away with. We can see that he has reached the end of his useful life, and it would be best if we can just do the deed and not face any comeback. It would be a mercy for him, and for all of us."

Rumours that senior backbenchers have clubbed together to buy Brown a one-way ticket to Switzerland remain unconfirmed.

The suggested action by the backbenchers has been condemned by Keir Starmer, the Director Of Public Prosecutions, who pointed out, "while I can think of nobody more deserving, much as they might wish to, ending the terminal decline of Gordon Brown would still be prosecutable. While their case could be mitigated by acting out of compassion, an additional element is that the assister must be a close friend - and Gordon doesn't have any of those.

"That said, I doubt we'd find a jury in the land who'd convict."

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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Labour: The Shakespearean Tragedy

Darling sticks the knife in.

So with the news alive with Alistair Darling's performance in his interview with Jeff Randall, and his admission that he knew 'Colostomy' Brown and his henchmen were briefing and smearing against him, the current Government takes on ever more the shape of Shakespearean tragedy.

And while Colostomy was the one who 'cried Havoc and let slip the dogs of Whelan and McBride', Darling's comments surely place him as the Marc Antony of the piece. Which brings us to:

Gordon Brown Act III Scene 2


Friends, Randall, Electorate, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Gollum, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with Brown. The noble Hutton
Hath told you Gollum would be "a fucking disaster":
And it is so, he was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Gollum damaged us.
Here, as was done by
Purnell and the rest--
For Purnell is an honourable man;
So are they all, except for Geoff Hoon who's a twat--
Come I to speak in Gollum's funeral.
He was my friend, yet briefed and smeared agin me:
But Peter says he was as Moses;
And Peter is a dishonourable man.
He hath brought many taxes home to roost
His ransoms did not the general coffers fill:
Did this in Gollum seem Prudent or competent?
When on the telly with Piers, Gollum hath wept:
Yet we all know he's made of harder stuff:
But Peter says he was as Moses;
And Peter is a dishonourable man.
You all did see that for the Leadership
It was presented him a kingly crown,
Elections he has twice refused: is this Courage?
But Peter says he was as Moses;
And, sure, he is a dishonourable man.
I speak not to disprove what smears were spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
You never loved him once, you had no cause:
What cause commands you then, to shill for him?
O Government! thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And Labour have lost their reason. Bear with me;
My political future is in the coffin there with Gollum,
And I must pause till it come back to me.

One can only hope that Darling's interview was among the last we have to hear of Brown, and that he was indeed speaking of Brown's political funeral.

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PM Denies Darling 'Dogs Of Hell' Charge

Gordon Brown has angrily denied ordering 'the forces of hell' to be unleashed on Alistair Darling when he predicted the Recession would be worse than expected.

In an interview with Sky News' Jeff Randall, the chancellor said No10 aides unleashed 'the forces of hell' on him when he predicted the recession would be worse than expected in 2008.

But the Prime Minister has responded by insisting, "I was never part of anything to do with this. I would never instruct anyone to do anything other than support my Chancellor."

Mr Brown fought back rage tears as he added, "this is all a misunderstanding. I remember that in 2008 I was reading a biography of Henry II and, because of my eyesight, I was reading out loud. Somebody must have heard me and, when I said 'will no-one rid me of this turbulent priest?' misinterpreted that as an instruction. Obviously I can't be held responsible. It wasn't me, and I'll set Prescott on anyone who says it was. Oh, bugger. Don't print that bit."

Critics of the PM have pointed out that as, so far, the Recession wasn't his fault, the National Debt is the fault of the bankers, the bullying allegations were nothing to do with him, the military budget shortages weren't his decision and now a smear campaign by his two most-loyal henchmen wasn't at his instruction, perhaps Mr Brown would like to point out any single thing that he actually DOES take responsibility for?

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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Government Criticised for 'Confused' Sex-Ed Bill

Balls: "So I insert my finger like this, and it's just how Gordon likes it."

The Government is facing criticism for 'confusion' over newly-released guidelines on the teaching of sex education in schools.

An amendment to the Children, Schools and Families Motion, which completes its passage through the Arse of Commons later today, will require state schools to teach pupils about contraception and the importance of stable relationships, and forbid the promotion of homophobia.

Critics of the Bill have attacked both the amendment and the Bill for not going far enough in its promotion of alternative sexual practices.

Liberal Democrat spokesman for the issue, Mark Oaten, said, "The Government's position is confused, and seems only to promote a very limited range of sexual practices. The amendment rules out many things which are normal to a great number of MPs. Felching, cottaging and frottage are barely - if at all - mentioned, and we are concerned about potential bias in the lack of reference to the sort of stable relationship that can be achieved with farmyard animals. There is also no legislation to promote the normality of a stable customer/client relationship with an experienced professional sex worker - an omission that the Liberal Democrats as a whole, and I personally, condemn."

Conservative sources were also quick to state their dissatisfaction with the Children, Schools and Families Bill. Former MP David Mellor has spoken of his 'annoyance' that primary schoolchildren will not be educated on the sexual stimulation provided by football strips, and other Tory grandees were scathing at the lack of information on various S&M practices.

However, the angriest condemnation has come from the clergy, who have spoken out strongly in their opposition to the Bill claiming it restricts their religious freedoms. Senior Anglican sources said, "this Bill would restrict the rights of the Church to act in accordance with religious dogma in faith schools. How can our school vicars continue to bugger their pupils if we're not able to teach them that it's normal, Godly teaching?"

The concerns have been dismissed by Minister for Childrun, Educayshun and Famblies Ed Ballsup, who denied that the Bill was limited in its scope. He added, "this Bill meets all Government standards for fairness and educational validity - in that it teaches schoolchildren that the only good, valid sexual practice is to be completely and royally fucked by a Labour Government."

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Bully Brown in Song

With apologies to Tennessee Ernie Ford, let's have another little song about the Clunking, Secretary-bashing* Fist that is Colostomy Brown.

New Labour's legacy is money and blood,
Under them this country has been dragged through the mud,
The damage began with Grinning Tone,
Now the PM's weak and it's all gone wrong,

Now with Gordon Brown, what do you get
Rage and spin and a country in debt
It's time for an Election and for Gordon to go,
This country just can't take any more,

Well, we've all seen Gordon bluster, bully and whine,
We all have questions 'bout the state of his mind
It is clear his temper's getting out of control,
He's a laughing stock for the world as a whole,

Now with Gordon Brown, what do you get
Rage and spin and a country in debt
It's time for an Election and for Gordon to go,
This country just can't take any more,

How he's stayed in office is hard to explain,
He's not been a PM worthy of the name,
With tantrums and mudslinging and smearing and lyin',
Thanks to him this country's in a steep decline,

Now with Gordon Brown, what do you get
Rage and spin and a country in debt
It's time for an Election and for Gordon to go,
This country just can't take any more,

If you see him comin', better step aside,
If you don't want a Nokia between the eyes,
He's Whelan in his corner and Balls at his heel,
And both the Right don't like him,
And the Left less still,

Now with Gordon Brown, what do you get
Rage and spin and a country in debt
It's time for an Election and for Gordon to go,
This country just can't take any more,


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Latest Opinion Polls Show Dropping Support

The latest series of opinion polls released today show a serious hit for the popularity of opinion polls, with support for opinion polls down 7% on the series of opinion polls taken just over 90 seconds earlier.

In a joint series of polls conducted, as always, by ICM, MORI and YouGov, the pollsters polled a random selection of 3000 voters, with the results weighted by how often they had been called by pollsters for their opinions in the previous 48 hours.

Support for opinion polls, previously polled at an average of 43% across the pollsters, polled at 37% in the three polls polled at 2200 last night, a change of 7% on average in the polls as against the previous polling polled at 2158.

There was a significant increase to 55% in support for, "fuck off and stop fucking polling me", which could be indicative of a drop in support for polls when combined with the prior polling information and the polled drop in support for polls weighted against the polls from 14 minutes ago.

Pundits have predicted that polling will indicate a poll drop for "alright, I'll answer your questions if you'll promise never to phone me again" as a result of the poll results, however the current polls seem to indicate an increase in support for reduced polling so that the polling figures actually make sense rather than blur into one single endless, eternal and pointless poll for polling's sake.

However, pollsters have urged pundits not to draw conclusions from the polling, but added that the latest ComRes and Angus Reid polls for the period 0925-0930 today would draw a clearer picture of support for polling in the polls.

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Former VP Cheney in Hospital Scare

A rare photo of Count Vlad Cheney in daylight.

Former US Vice-President Dick Cheney is recovering in hospital after being admitted suffering from chest pains, it was announced today.

His office said that he was 'resting comfortably' while doctors evaluated the situation.

Mr Cheney, 169, served as Vice-President from 2001 to 2009 under President George W Bush.

It is believed that Mr Cheney suffered chest pains during yesterday afternoon, while he was resting out of the reach of sunlight. An unidentified person is believed to have opened Mr Cheney's coffin and attempted to drive a stake into his heart in the mistaken belief that he actually had one.

A spokesman for Mr Cheney's office said, "Former Vice President Cheney suffered a stake-related injury resulting in chest pains. However, these are not believed to be cardiac problems, due to Former Vice President Cheney's lack of said organ. Garlic and Holy Water were found near the scene, but were fortunately not used on The Count Former Vice President Cheney in this incident."

Washington Police said that they were keen to interview a mister Barack V Helsing in relation to the case. However, one Washington PD source said they were not investigating the incident as an attempted murder, as the law was 'vague in relation to the Undead'.

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Monday, February 22, 2010

Labour Turn to Twitter for Manifesto Inspiration

Turning to Twitter: Millipede Minor seeks inspiration.

The Labour Party have turned to social networking sites in search of inspiration for their Election Manifesto, as the build-up to the next General Election begins in earnest.

The announcement was made by Minister for Something-Or-Other Ed Millipede through the 'LabourSpace 'F All' promotional site, and using his Twitter account.

Writing on the site, Mr Millipede Jr said, "we in the Labour Party want to hear what the British Voters want to see in our Manifesto. I know that normally we treat the Electorate as if they're moronic proles whose sole purpose is to hand over whatever cash we can leech out of them - but let's face it, after thirteen years of screwups, broken promises and knee-jerk reactions it's pretty clear that we don't have a clue how to move forward. On top of that, the Tories won't publish their Manifesto yet, so we can't do our usual trick of nicking their ideas either.

"So, it's down to you. Tell us what you want in our Manifesto. We'll listen, then file the answers away and produce the usual bollocks, dressed up in a myriad of meaningless soundbites and massaged statistics, then if we win claim they were all aspirations instead of commitments and carry on bumbling away as we have been. Sorry, did I say that last bit out loud?"

Initial reports indicate that the response to Mr Millipede's request has been promising, with both the site and Twitter buzzing with suggestions.

At present, the leading recommendation is for Labour to re-create their historic 1983 'Longest Suicide Note in History', but this time make it a Manifesto commitment that if they win the General Election, the entire current Cabinet will commit seppuku on Westminster Bridge at noon.

Bookmaker William Hill said that if the suicide pledge was to make it into the Manifesto, they would slash odds on a Labour Landslide from the current 1,000,000,000:1 to 2:7.

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Bullying Helpline Boss in Hospital Following Accident

A Downing St 'Garden Girl' prepares to take dictation.

A Downing Street visitor has been admitted to hospital for treatment this morning, following a freak series of accidents.

Christine Pratt, the head of the National Bullying Helpline, had been attending No 10 Downing Street to discuss allegations she had made this morning that Cabinet Office employees had made calls to the NBH complaining of abuse. The allegations have been strongly denied by Government sources.

A Cabinet Office spokesman said, "following Ms Pratt's meeting with the Prime Minister, during which the PM cuddled kittens and absolutely no rages, threats or violence took place, Ms Pratt was given a tour of the building.

"Unfortunately, as Ms Pratt was about to descend the main staircase, a Nokia mobile her feet causing her to trip and fall down the stairs. Unfortunately Ms Pratt then contined to roll into a ground-floor office, where she struck a desk over. Yes. The desk fell over on top of her and then unfortunately a computer, which was on the desk and not thrown in any way at all, fell on her as well. Honest."

London Ambulance Service confirmed that they received an emergency call from Downing Street and that a woman had been taken to hospital, where she remains under observation. While her injuries are not thought to be life-threatening, there is some question whether the multiple black-marker-pen stab wounds will leave long-term scarring.

Peter Mandelson and John Prescott were unavailable for comment.

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EXCLUSIVE: Senior Source Confirms PM Bullying Allegations

Brown: "Give me your dinner money, or I'll give you a Chinese Burn"

A member of Prime Minister Gordon 'Colostomy' Brown's senior circle has broken ranks this morning to confirm recent allegations that the Prime Minister has bullied members of staff.

The shock revelations came in the wake of a television interview with the PM where he denied hitting anyone, and further denials made by Minister for Machiavellian Machinations Lord Fondlebum of Fey.

Lord Fondlebum said, "these allegations are unfounded, ridiculous and totally untrue, darling. The Prime Minister's a lovely, kind soul who has never struck anyone in his life - why would he have henchmen like Damian McBride and Johnny Prescott and hit people himself? It's a silly thought."

However, the vehement denials have been undermined by a source close to the PM, who has confirmed that frequent acts of bullying DID take place.

The source, who did not want to be named and was identified only as 'A.D.', spoke exclusively to The Diary about his experiences with the PM, who he described as 'brutal'.

AD said, "the abuse started in June 2007, when I took a senior post close to Gordon. At first it started small - the odd derogatory remark about my eyebrows appearance - and I took it as ribbing. But as time went on his temper just got worse and worse. He would fly off the handle for the smallest thing, shouting and swearing, calling me vile names and throwing whatever came to hand. He'd get so angry that sometimes he'd lose bladder control, which just made him even more irate. On one occasion, after I'd been caught out over a tax announcement, he beat me with my Red Box until I was cowering, sobbing, in the corner of the Cabinet Office. It was awful."

Asked why he had not come forward or escaped the environment earlier, AD said, "he made it clear that our futures depended on him, and as we'd all followed him up after he'd forced Blair to resign with a vicious Chinese Burn we knew he was right. Plus he said it was all our fault - if we just lived up to his standards and expectations, he wouldn't have to get angry with us. He said he only does it because he loves us."

Lord Fondlebum's denials were further undermined by the National Bullying Helpline, who went public to say that several calls had been made to the helpline in recent years. Christine Pratt, of the NBH, said that she had been motivated to come forward because, "people are being bullied not just into calling us, but also into silence. Plus, Brown and Fondlebum are lying gits."

h/t Brennig Jones for the original link.

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Sunday, February 21, 2010

'Gordon Brown'

Somebody mentioned this song on Twitter the other day, suggesting that it might be ripe for a spoof of 'Colostomy' Brown. And you know what? They were right.

So here you are.

Gordon Brown, Minister's son,
Won't stand down, don't know when he's beaten,
Can't get it right,
Pitiful sight,
Talentless clown,
James Gordon Brown

Every speech, just like the last,
In the polls, he's fading fast,
Failed in his plans
To govern these lands,
Talentless clown,
James Gordon Brown. . .

Gordon Brown, just won't confess,
That his actions heightened our debts,
You've had your day,
Just go away,
Talentless clown,
James Gordon Brown

Talentless clown
James Gordon Brown
Talentless clown
James Gordon Brown
Talentless clown
James Gordon Brown

(.......Repeat until Government, Election, Leadership and Bladder Control are lost).

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Saturday, February 20, 2010

Gordon Brown to 'Offer Britain F All'

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has unveiled the Labour Party's slogan and themes for the upcoming General Election, expected in May.

Mr Brown and the Labour Party are campaigning for an unprecedented fourth term in office.

SPeaking to a meeting of the Party failthful*, and to rapture from the crowd, the PM said that the party would campaign the general election on a platform of 'A Future Fair For All'.

Mr Brown said, "this slogan is a symbol of what has drived and defined the Labour Party. A Future Fair For All - or, for ease, 'F All' - must be our battle cry.

"In 1997, though we did not articulate it, we were bringing the British Electorate 'F All'. In thirteen years we have consistently delivered 'F All'. Our policies are introduced with 'F All' in mind, and given 'F All' thought."

To a rising crescendo of applause from the assembled drones supporters, Mr Brown said, "so I urge you to take 'F All' out to the streets, to your constituencies. The British people need to know and understand we promise 'F All' and that a vote for us is five more years of 'F All'!"

The British PUblic acknowledged the Prime Minister's speech and said that they were perfectly aware that Labour and Gordon Brown offered F all.

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Friday, February 19, 2010

Gordon Brown Attacks 'Scary' Conservatives

'Colostomy' Brown: "The Tories are scary. Honest. Can I have another go?"

Prime Minister Gordon 'Colostomy' Brown has attacked the Conservatives as 'scary' and insisted that the Labour Party is the party of growth, addressing European leaders today.

In a speech designed to provide early positioning ahead of Labour's Election Campaign prelaunch, expected on Saturday, Mr Brown spoke passionately about the 'reign of terror' that would happen under a Tory Government, expected in May.

The PM said, "instead of admitting that the national debt is all the fault of eeeeeevil bankers and financiers, and nothing to do with me at all, the Right are not only trying to blame the Government for the crisis, but trying to deny people the comforting handout that State Control can give."

Mr Brown added, "The Tories are trying to scare people into believing in a bleak and austere picture of the future, when in fact the first priority must be growth - growth which only a Labour Government can deliver.

"We have already started and growth can be seen in all areas of Britain. There is growth in unemployment, in the economically inactive, in the Retail Price Index and in the debt figures. Growth in borrowing, in CCTV monitoring, in money supply and the DNA Database. Growth in the public sector and in Quangos, growth in crime and, in Afghanistan, growth in the death toll. The Labour Party is the Party of Growth."

To rapturous disinterest from the assembled leaders, Mr Brown continued with his theme, insisting, "The Tories are a scary party. I mean, look at Michael Howard. Or rather, don't look at him, well, not straight in the eyes anyway. Use a mirror - only you can't, because it doesn't show his reflection. And they'll cut taxes, which is bad, and. . and. . George Osborne comes from Eton which is scary and The Tories are all axe murderers and they eat babies and stuff. Honest. Can I have another five years?", before wetting himself and having to be taken for a lie-down by Harriet Harman.

However, Mr Brown's speech has met with a lukewarm reception outside the corridors of power. An unofficial opinion poll conducted on behalf of The Diary in response to the speech showed that 84% of the Electorate thought that the country being run by a wonky-eyed, slack-jawed Scottish halfwit is a hell of a lot more scary than David Cameron's forehead, and that the only thing currently growing in this country is Gordon Brown's need for stronger medication.

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Virgin Trains Introduce New Carriage

Virgin Trains' 'Winterton Carriage' will be available to all Members of Parliament.

Virgin Trains have announced that they are adding carriages to some of their services to improve passenger comfort.

The announcement comes in the wake of soon-to-be-ex MP Nicholas Winterton's assertion that Members of Parliament were entitled to First Class rail travel because there were 'a totally different class of people' in Standard Class.

Responding to Mr Winterton's comments, a spokesman for Virgin Trains said, "Mr Winterton is absolutely right that there is a different class of people in Standard Class. That is, the people in standard class aren't conceited, pompous morons with an over-inflated belief in their own importance, a sense of entitlement to special treatment and a penchant for spending other people's money.

"However, in response to a vast number of requests from Standard Class passengers, we are adding a new 'Winterton Carriage' to our Virgin Mainline trains between London and Macclesfield. The carriage will be placed at the rear of the train and in deference to Mr Winterton's status, position and beliefs will be the same carriage used on freight services for carrying pigs. Any other Members of Parliament wishing to travel on Virgin Trains will, of course, receive an upgrade to a Winterton Carriage upon request if they do not wish to travel with real people."

Virgin Trains passengers have welcomed the news of the Winterton Carriage. One commuter, who preferred not to be named, said it was excellent news that travellers wouldn't 'have to share our seating space with a venal pig'.

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Typical right-wing Blogger. . .

... Always misplacing the blame.

The lovely, fragrant - though clearly clinically insane - Juliette brings her incisive analysis to Deborah Orr's piece in the Guardian pleading the case for leniency to the two boys guilty of the Edlington torture case.

Obviously, like any typical Tory, Juliette isn't prepared to look at the truth of the case and identify the real criminal influences behind it, preferring instead to blame the children themselves and their parents. Her references to eugenics show that she's clearly a Nazi or something anyway. But let's get things straight about this awful case.

Of course it's not the fault of the children. To even suggest that these pre-teen boys, who tortured, sexually assaulted and battered two other children, should be responsible for their actions - or even to have any understanding of the concepts of right and wrong, is utterly reprehensible. They deserve our sympathy and leniency*, having suffered a lifetime of abuse and deprivation at the hands of their parents...

But their parents were not at fault. Yes, they were violent, abusive, fuelled with drink and drugs, but they cannot be blamed for this. These were two human beings who would have been fine, upstanding citizens had they not suffered the stigma of poor education and never having had jobs.

And of course their long-term unemployment and poor education wasn't their fault. We must identify the real culprits. They needed the proper basis for their future...which they would have had, and been fine upstanding citizens, had they had the right start in life, which they didn't because...

...Thatcher stole their milk.

Therefore, in the interests of fairness and correctness, we should release all the criminals, especially these poor children who were guilty only of being 'Thatcher's grandchildren', and instead arrest and imprison anyone who was a member of the Conservative government between 1979 and 1997, as they are responsible for all the sins of the world.

See, I can do this Righteous stuff. Can I have a column in the Guardian?

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Thursday, February 18, 2010

PM Announces Defence Boost for Falklands

Harriers & Hermes: Prime examples of what we can't afford now.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has insisted that the Falkland Islands remain 'fully secure' in the face of increased Argentine belligerence, as he announced an increase in the security forces posted to the South Atlantic.

The PM was responding to news that The Argentinian government has issued a decree that tightens control over shipping in the area ahead of British efforts to start oil and gas exploration off the islands' waters.

The PM said, "it is right that we find a negotiated, diplomatic settlement to this territorial dispute with Argentina, however this will take time as the Foreign Secretary is tied up with a dispute over banana distribution rights. And while I, as the Saviour of Britain, would be happy to send a Task Force, we haven't got any airworthy aircraft, we can't afford the fuel for any destroyers and we can't send more soldiers because the Americans say that we're not allowed to have our own war while we're fighting theirs for them. Therefore, it is right that we boost security and deter acts of agression in our territorial waters.

"I am therefore announcing that my Government will invest eleventy-billion pounds of borrowings into additional layered security for the Falkland Islands. This is to take the form of up to twenty specially-provided Police Community Support Officers, empowered to enforce Fixed-Penalty Notices to any invading force. These Officers will be backed-up by naval protection vessels transferred from the Gibraltar Fleet - specifically, five pedalos crewed by RN Reservists armed with the very latest paintball guns. The people of the Falklands can sleep safe in their beds, knowing that Labour are protecting them."

The PM added that he expected the long-term costs of defending the Falklands to be met by the Island's economy, and that he had asked the Chancellor, Alistair Darling, to investigate a windfall tax on sheep to this effect.

Ministry of Defence officials confirmed the transfer of fleet vessels to the South Atlantic, and added that they would also be providing air support to the Falklands just as soon as they could borrow the Sopwith Camel from the Imperial War Museum.

Rumours that the Government are planning to capitulate to Argentinian territorial demands were hotly denied. A senior cabinet source said that to hand the Islands, which saw the deaths of 255 British servicemen in 1982, was 'unthinkable, at least until we've sorted out a big-enough offer for the oil rights'.

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Israel Apologises for Passport Scandal

Millipede: "use our passports again, and I'll insert this. Unpeeled."

The State of Israel has issued an unprecedented public apology, following a meeting with Foreign Secretary David Millepede in the wake of allegations that Brish passports were used in the assassination of a high-ranking Hamas official.

Israeli Ambassador Ron Proson, speaking after what was described as a 'candid' meeting at the Foreign Office, said, "That was an intense meeting with Mr Millipede. When he started pointing that banana at me, I felt like I was back in the Six-Day War.

"As a result of the meeting, the State of Israel wishes to offer an unreserved apology for the use of British passports by whoever it was that did the assassination, about which we have complete deniability, not that it was us of course, in any way that can be proved or that we're going to admit to, because it wasn't us, honest."

Mr Proson added, "however, in the wake of this matter, our intelligence services will be amending their procedures, not that it had anything to do with us, of course. In future, all Mossad agents engaged in covert activities will be required to wear full Hasidic dress and to wear sandwich boards declaring 'Mossad Agent on Operations' in eight languages including Arabic. Not that we do any covert operations or assassinations, of course. Honest."

The apology was echoed by sources in the Israeli Defence Ministry, who confirmed that when dealing with murderous terrorist organisers in future, clinical, well-planned and deniable assassinations would be ruled out in favour of the traditional tactics of white phosphorous, rocket attacks and collateral damage 'to avoid complaints from the international community'.

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An Announcement From MiniTrue


Rejoice, for the wise counsel of the Great Leader, The Saviour of the World, has brought us a great leap closer to the nirvana of a Great Socialist Future!

Comrades! Our glorious workers, eager to support New Labour in this, the third year of the Third Five-Year Plan, have produced 101,190 cars last year, up 64.8% on last year. The Great Leader's sage scrappage scheme has ensured that more British workers now have access to an automobile than ever before in history, while also ensuring that because there are no British manufacturers left, all the revenue goes to our European allies.

Comrades! This wonderful news of our Glorious Success in manufacturing is complemented by the reduction in mortgage lending to 9.1bn, the lowest level in ten years, as the British people reject the bourgeois concept of home ownership and choose instead to live in one of the cars built in our glorious country under the supervision of the Great Leader and his Cabinet.

Comrades! The Great March to a Socialist Utopia continues apace, as now 8 million Britons no longer need to work - their needs and means supplied by the glorious Great Leader and his Cabinet. Remember, Comrades, economic inactivity is the Sign of our Socialist Future, as the needs of the many are met by the needs of the few evil capitalists who still want to work for a living.

Comrades! Your glorious Government has also achieved another first, with the first time in recorded history that money has had to be borrowed in January. Our reduced taxation income shows that our Glorious Socialist Future of complete economic inactivity is driving forward towards inevitability.

Rejoice, Comrades, at the glorious New Socialist Britain brought to you by the Great Leader and his Cabinet!

Comrades! Reports from the Front Line indicate that our latest offensive in Afghanistan, under the strategic vision of the Great Leader, has been a Glorious Victory, with the Taliban pushed back and many terrorists and insurgents, who would if left alone threaten our Great Way of Life, killed or captured. This valiant action, Comrades, could bring the War within measurable distance of its end.

Glory is ours, Comrades, as the Glorious Socialist Future beckons under the visionary leadership of the Great Leader and his Cabinet.

Stay by your Telescreens for further announcements on this joyous day, Comrades.

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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

iPhone Users to Face TV License Fee

iPhone: App is the newest licensing stream for the BBC.

Owners of Apple's iPhone are bracing themselves for a big annual bill, after the BBC announced that they will be making their content available through an iPhone application, thus making the mobile phone eligible under TV Licensing laws.

From April, users of the iPhone will be able to access BBC audio and video using an App downloadable from the Apple App Store.

Speaking at the Mobile World Congress in Barcelona, BBC Director of Future Media and Technology Erik Huggers said, "BBC audiences want to access the digital services that they have paid for at a time and place that suits them, and the BBC App will make that possible.

"As the app has been developed due to the unique way the BBC is funded, it is only proper that the service be paid for using that same unique method. Therefore, as users will be able to access content for which they would pay a licence fee if on a television, users will from April be subject to the licence fee if they possess an iPhone."

SOurces at the TV Licensing Authority confirmed the new development and added that it would be aplicable to all UK iPhone users, whether or not the BBC Apps are installed. The spokesman said, "if you have a TV you have the capability to watch BBC programming, and are subject to the Licence Fee whether you do so or not. With the BBC App you now have the capability to watch BBC programming, so obviously the same applies."

BBC Director-General Mark Thompson was unavailable for comment, as he was busy relaxing in a hot-tub full of taxpayer's money.

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Israel & Palestine to Hold Historic Sports Event

Israel's National Tennis Team arrive at their latest event.

The first tentative steps in a detente between Israel and Palestine were taken today, following the announcement of the first sporting competition between the two nations.

In an attempt to reduce the long-standing tensions between the two countries, Israeli and Palestinian governments have agreed to hold the event in a neutral country, with joint media coverage from both nations. Rumours that the winner will get the West Bank remain unconfirmed.

The announcement was made by the Head of Mossad Minister for Sport Meir Dagan, who said, "it is time for sporting prowess to take the place of violence, so the two nations can settle their differences on the sports field rather than the battlefield.

"Therefore, we are pleased to announce that we are to host the first Annual Intifada Tennis Championships, to be held in Dubai next month. Our 11-man team will be arriving there shortly."

Mr Dagan said that he sincerely hoped all the senior members of Palestine's Hamas-led government would visit Dubai to attend the championships, and added that Israel would be happy to pay for the cost of all hotel accommodation.

The Governments of Britain, Ireland, Germany and France have welcomed the announcement of the event, and have confirmed that they will be making passports available to the Israeli agents players as required.

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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

'The Wright Tweet': Top Tory Bloggers Change Allegiance

'Damascene moment': The Tweet that changed the world for political Bloggers.

A group of right-of-centre bloggers have today announced that they are withdrawing their support for the Conservatives, and are to put their support behind the Labour Party and PM Gordon 'Colostomy' Brown.

Speaking at a joint news conference, bloggers Iain Dale, 'Tory Bear' and 'Dungeekin' stated that they were changing their allegiance in response to the 'profound and meaningful campaign tactics' of Labour Minister David Wright MP.

Dale, who had formerly intended to stand as a Conservative Party candidate, confirmed that he had submitted a membership application to the Labour Party and added, "David Wright's description of the Conservatives as 'scum-sucking pigs' was so. . . so . . deep. It touched a nerve deep inside me, appealing to all that I believe to be good and worthy about political debate. I now know that Gordon is The Saviour of the World, and will devote the remainder of my life to ensuring a Glorious Socialist Future."

His words were seconded by 'Tory Bear', who said, "David Wright has shown me the error of my ways. I realise now that the 'I've Never Voted Tory' campaign by the Conservatives is an example of the nasty party's dirty campaign methods, forcing voters to look at the issues instead of noting how emotional Gordon can be on-camera with Piers Morgan. With debaters like David Wright MP in the Labour Party, I know now that I was foolish to think that the Tories were the party of the future. How can I have been so blind?"

Satirical blogger 'Dungeekin', who had previously made disparaging comments concerning the Labour Party, confirmed that he is to re-edit all his articles to say nasty things about David Cameron instead. He also said, "Seeing David Wright's erudition was my Damascene moment, and I am now totally converted. I am bowled over by the inherent kindness and gentleness of the Labour Party's Twitter-based campaigning, and hereby bestow all my worldly goods upon Gordon in abject obeisance at his majesty."

Other right-of centre Bloggers are expected to follow Dale, Tory Bear and Dungeekin 'across the floor' in the next few days, as the full impact and sagacity of Wright's ejaculation spread throughout the political blogosphere.

David Wright MP was unavailable for comment, as he was working with his Special Advisers to produce a further 140 characters of profundity, genius, kindness and wit.

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Brit Awards 2010: Runners & Riders

Lady GaGa: Three nominations including Best Overall Package.

The buildup has begun in earnest for tonight's Brit Awards, as the ceremony celebrates its 30th anniversary. Stars Lady Gaga, Lily ALlen, Florence and the Machine and JLS are all heading the shortlist for tonight's gongs, with three nominations apiece.

Huge celebrations are planned for the anniversary event, which is to be hosted by Peter Kay, including a duet between Florence from the Magic Roundabout and Jamie from The Magic Torch.

Robbie Williams, Amy Winehouse and Pete Docherty are jointly to receive the honorary award for Lifetime Contribution to Rehabilitation Centres, and boy band JLS are up for Best Crowd Breakthrough following their oversold Birmingham gig.

Lily Allen is the bookmaker's favourite to win Best Female Act, against strong opposition from Lady GaGa. However, Lady GaGa is conversely also the favourite for the Best Male Act award and Best Overall Package.

Cheryl Kerl is hotly tipped for the Most Talentless Eye-Candy gong, and has also received a nod for Most Stupid Outfit, though she faces strong competition from comeback king Robbie Williams.

For the 30th Anniversary celebration, two new awards have been created - the best performance since the awards began, which is expected to be awarded to Mick Fleetwood and Sam Fox, and Best Album.

Peter Kay is to present the awards, although rumours that he will be doing a group performance of 'Amarillo' with the nominees remain unconfirmed.

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