BREAKING: Nick Clegg Arrested

Clegg touts for trade.

Reports have reached The Diary that Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has been arrested for selling himself on the streets of London.

The news comes after a disastrous Election night for the Limp Dumbs, with the Party losing seats from the 2005 count and losing several key figures, including Dr Evan Harris and that bloke who once made the papers for knobbing a Transylvanian anorexic.

Metropolitan Police sources confirmed the arrest, which was part of a covert operation implemented after an anonymous tipoff that political prostitution may be happening in the Cowley Street area of London.

A Scotland Yard spokesman said, "as part of the operation, an undercover officer observed the suspect adopting a provocative pose outside Lib Dem HQ."

Consulting his notebook, the spokesman added, "The officer approached the suspect, purporting to be a representative of the Conservative Party. Mr Clegg...sorry...the suspect then said, "you Tory boy? Me give you power longtime, we make deal?

"The officer requested that the suspect elaborate, and the suspect then said, "Basics support is a hand in the Treasury and, an oral role in the Home Office, but it's PR for the full Monty, OK ducks?"

The spokesman said that at this point the officer identified himself and the suspect was arrested on suspicion of prostitution.

Sources within the Liberal Democrats were unavailable for comment as they were too busy working out how to stroke Peter Mandelson if needed. However, Vince Cable was keen to point out that he'd predicted it all.

Shock over Lib Dem 'Fakes'

Lib-Dem 'Leader' acting a part.

The Liberal Democrats have come under fire again, after it transpired that their 'party leader' was in fact simply an actor dressed up as a politician.

The admission comes just days after revelations that a 'police officer' seen talking to Welsh Lib Dem leader Kirsty Williams was in fact a fake, and that a 'nurse' pictured in a Lib Dem leaflet was actually an employee of a Welsh Assembly Member.

Sources within the Liberal Democrats have admitted to The Diary that so-called Nick Clegg, who has been appearing around the country and on television as the Lib Dem leader, is in fact a journeyman actor whose prior roles have included a cameo in Coronation Street and 'second corpse from the left' in an episode of Casualty. He was offered the role of 'Party Leader' after Vince Cable saw him play a particularly good Baron Hardup in pantomime in Twickenham.

A spokesman for the Liberal Democrats said, "the appearance of a leader is used for illustrative purposes to highlight our policies, and what action we would take in Government if we had a leader. In our election campaign, we are only using an illustrative leader to highlight how incredibly different we are from the other two parties. Honest."

The spokesman pointed out that the use of an actor as apparent leader of a political party was not unknown, given that everyone is aware Labour leader Gordon 'Colostomy' Brown is Peter Mandelson's glove puppet.

The true identity of the actor playing Nick Clegg remains unknown, though there are rumours that prior to auditioning for the role he was a Conservative Party activist. However, it is believed that he will end his season after polling day on May 6, in order to take up a supporting role in a Ray Cooney farce in Blackpool. His agent pointed out that 'in all honesty, it won't be a great deal different to campaigning for the Limp Dumbs.'

Clegg Promises Party Donation Reform

Clegg: "my hands are clean. My bank account, on the other hand...."

Liberal Democrat Messiah Nick Clegg has promised a 'radical reform' of the way political parties are funded, as he attempts to cement the Lib Dem's recent upswing in the opinion polls.

Speaking from the Liberal Democrat Battlebus en-route to Bristol for tonight's X-Factor Leaders Debate, His Holiness said that the country needed 'total reform' of the system of political donations, following controversies such as 'cash for honours' and the non-dom scandals.

Mr Clegg said, "we need change and the other two parties will not provide it. Only the Liberal Democrats can provide the honesty and integrity needed for a political donation system that is completely above board. Unlike the other two, who can't, because they're the other two and I, Nick Clegg, am not like the other two at all. Honest.

"Therefore, when I am Prime Minister I will introduce a new political system whereby I will take responsibility for donations to political parties. Simply pay the money into my personal bank account and it can rest there until I allocate it in accordance with the will of the people. I won't benefit in any way from, say, the interest or cashflow benefits of Party donations in my personal account. Oh, no. Honest. Because you can trust me. I'm Nick Clegg. I'm not like the other two - I'm whiter than white."

The Diary attempted to speak to senior Lib Dem sources for their comment, but couldn't hear them over the din of their political hopes crashing around them.

Public Notices

The happy couple pucker up.

Published in today's Grauniad:

Notice of Engagement

Mr & Mrs L Democrat, of Little-Sitting on the Fence, Bucks, are delighted to announce the engagement of their daughter Nicky to Mr J G Brown, son of Mr & Mrs L Abour of The Taxbill, Herts.

Miss Clegg and Mr Brown are to marry at St Polling's Church on Thursday 6 May, after which they will be honeymooning in Loss before moving to live in Ignominy-in-the-Wasteland, just outside Kirkcaldy.

Please note that the couple have not published a Wedding List. Donations should instead be made to the National Debt. All those not wishing to donate should note that donations will be taken through the tax system.

We wish Miss Clegg and Mr Brown a long future together in Ignominy.

UPDATE:

Miss Clegg will be given away by her father Vince, and Gordon's little brothers Ed and David Millepede will be bridesmaids.

Ms H Harperson is to be Matron of Honour.

We understand that the husband of Jacqui Smith will be doing the photos - but we're not sure he's quite got the right idea yet.

Leader's Debate: Exclusive Poll Results

The Liberal Democrats saw their chances of seizing power in the General Election take a sharp upturn last night, after pundits agreed that their leader, er . . . em . . . whatsisname, gave by far the best performance in the first of three televised Debates.

In an exclusive poll for The Diary, taken in the minutes following the Debate*, viewers solidly indicated that they had been most impressed with 'that bloke on the left', with almost 22% actually knowing who on earth he was.

One elector said, "I thought that bloke with the yellow tie - what was his name, tip of my tongue...Vince, was it? No, Nick. That's it. Nick Griffin, I think, right? He was dead good, he said everything people wanted to hear. I was especially impressed with how he he promised everyone a pony if he became Prime Minister."

Our pollsters also found that Conservative Leader David Cameron had given a steady performance, doing a good job of defending himself against a two-pronged attack from both Gordon Brown and . . er. . him, you know. Bloke on the left, from the little lot.

There was less praise for Labour Leader Colostomy Brown, however, despite him having reportedly spent several nights mass debating with Peter Mandelson. Our poll indicated that 98% of viewers believe he remains a wonky-jawed halfwit with an even more slender grip on reality than he has on power.

Insomniacs across the nation are now eagerly awaiting the second debate next week, when Mr . . um . . you know, Lib Dem leader . . Mr Cable is expected to announce that a vote for the Limperal Dumbocrats will mean that everybody can have free Viagra and a two-inch longer penis.

* Sample size 7 individuals, unweighted. Except for the fat bloke. He was seriously weighted.

Results: Colostomy Brown (Labour): 2%
David Cameron (Conservative): 20%
That bloke from the other lot (Limp Dumbs): 22%
Who are you, and why are you phoning me up? (No affiliation): 56%

14 Hurt at Lib Dem Manifesto Launch

14 people were taken to hospital this morning, following the launch of the Liberal Dumbemocrats General Election Manifesto.

The injured, which included three Party activists, five hardened political journalists and two old ladies who thought they were attending a jumble sale, were all taken to the A&E Unit at Guys' Hospital*. All those hurt in the incident were treated for exposure to toxic futility, and subsequently discharged - though one has since been returned to hospital having contracted MRSA during their treatment.

The incident occurred approximately fifteen minutes into the Lib Dem presentation of their Manifesto, when several members of the audience reported symptoms of an existential crisis, sparked by their presence at the launch.

One attendee said, "it was awful. Vince Cable had done his usual Nostradamus bit, as usual, and had actually spoken quite well. A couple of the journalists in the front row had been so excited that they'd stopped snoring. Then Nick Clegg got up and started speaking, and that's when it all went wrong.

"Within a couple of minutes, the sense of complete hopelessness filled the air. I mean, forget the Manifesto - he could've been reading a Mr Men book for all the difference it'll make to the Election. I just started thinking, "Oh God, why am I here? What's the point, really, when all's said and done?", and that's all I can remember until I woke up in the ambulance."

Sources close to the Lib Dem leadership confirmed that Mr Clegg had, in fact, been reading extracts from 'Mr. Nonsense', after an unfortunate mix-up the previous night had led to his children enduring 45 minutes of specious and meaningless tax waffle in lieu of a bedtime story. However, the spokesman insisted that given the Lib Dem's chances of power, it really didn't matter what Mr Clegg read out, as nobody outside the party would be listening anyway.

A spokesman subsequently confirmed that there had been 'an unfortunate incident', but strongly denied those hurt had been suffering from the recognition of an utterly hopeless cause, instead insisting that the injured had merely been 'swooning at the power of Nick Clegg's rhetoric'.

The Electorate was too disinterested to comment.

*and subsequently transferred to the nearest Accident & Emergency Unit that hasn't been closed down yet, just outside Leicester.

Cable to Step Down as MP

Guru Vinsputin giving anyone in earshot the benefit of his precognition.

Liberal Democrat legend Vince Cable is to retire from politics at the next Election, it was announced today.

Mr Cable, who is the Lib-Dem spokesman on financial issues and who is known for being the only Lib-Dem MP anybody can actually remember, made the shock announcement less than 24 hours after his performance on Channel 4's 'Ask The Chancellors' debate.

Speaking at a hastily-convened Press conference, Mr Cable said, "while my decision is tinged with regret, I know that leaving politics is the right thing for me to do. I will therefore be standing down as MP for Twickenham at the next Election.

"My incredible performance in the Debate last night proved, beyond any doubt, that I am right about absolutely everything. I predicted everything, and not just fiscally - while I of course was way ahead of everybody else in predicting the debt crisis*, I also foretold both outbreaks of Foot and Mouth disease, foresaw the tragic death of Diana, correctly predicted the winner of the last three Grand Nationals and have visions of the upcoming National Lottery numbers. I must take my gift of foresight to the masses, and travel the globe as a visionary guru."

Donning a saffron robe, Mr Cable requested that he be referred to as 'Guru Vinsputin' from this point forward, and announced that he would be spending the duration of the Election campaign sitting atop a Scottish mountain, dispensing his wisdom to any and all who sought true enlightenment.

Guru Vinsputin's political opponents have expressed their regret at his decision. However, Shadow Chancellor George Osborne pointed out that despite all his incredible powers of precognition, he'd never ever predicted a Liberal Democrat election victory.

* Except, of course, Oliver Letwin.