Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Civil Servants to Receive Highest Accolade

VC - awards to bean-counters "not insulting to real soldiers at all".

In an unprecedented development, three civil servants are to be awarded the Victoria Cross, Britain's highest award for valour. The presentation will be the first time the award has been given to non-military personnel.

The medals, which are to be awarded by Her Majesty the Queen, are to be awarded to the three workers from the Ministry of Defence for 'Bureaucracy above and beyond the call of duty', and will be presented at the same time as many other civil servants will be presented with the Afghanistan campaign medal, the Operational Service Medal.

The Victoria Cross, incepted in the reign of Queeen George V, is the highest award for bravery in the face of the enemy, and to date only 1356 medals have been awarded.

The Diary understands that the citations for the awards read as follows:

"On 23 June 2009, Senior Action Co-Ordinators XXX XXXXX, XXXX XXXXXXXX and XXXXXXX XXXXXXX were caught in an extreme situation, with an urgent report on executive-bathroom usage statistics to be presented to senior Ministers and a desperate shortage of photocopier toner.

Despite severe resistance from the Toner Procurement Department, the three Co-Ordinators traversed fully three floors of MoD Main Building, and in an act of supreme courage used the photocopier in the Body Armour Reduction Unit in spite of not having documentary authorisation for the floor. The unit showed extreme presence of mind in ensuring that they retained an adequate supply of 4th-Floor Printer Foolscap.

Two of the recipients were wounded in the action, with Co-Ordinator XXXXXXX XXXXXXX receiving a grievous injury from a staple remover, and XXX XXXXX achieved the photocopying objective despite receiving three separate paper cuts."

Defence Secretary Blakey Ainsworth praised the actions of the three civil servants, saying, "this high accolade is well-deserved - the important work of the Ministry of Defence to the War Effort cannot easily be quantified. I don't know how anyone can think that this totally devalues the awards presented to real heroes who actually put their lives on the line for Queen and Country".

h/t Ambush Predator

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North Northwester said...

Nice parody: just got the military citation style spot on.
Cruel, too; as these fatuous chumps deserve.

Anonymous said...

How long before the real heroes start sending their medals back to Madge?