Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Grade Gordon

Brown G (Cnut H.) Sports Day 2009

Thanks to the eagle eyes of Peter Hoskin at the Spectator, we have this wonderful opportunity to Grade Gordon. It would be remiss (bordering on criminal) to waste this chance . . .

Westminster School For Difficult Boys

Report: Brown, G (Cnut House)


Brown tries hard, but unfortunately his abilities are not up to the standard expected.

He shows great creativity in his ideas, however he lacks the capacity clearly to explain them either on paper or in spoken form. While his handwriting itself can be excused following his injury on the Rugger field. his refusal to proofread his own essays - or to permit others to read them - is a handicap to his progression in literacy.

Brown's presidency of the School Debating Society has not been a success. His lack of presentation skills and inarticulacy means he is consistently defeated in debate by Cameron D (Victor H.) and even occasionally by Clegg (Nonentity H.).


Despite hard work from teaching assistants and nine years of remedial classes, Brown still fails to show a grasp of basic numeracy. We recommend that he is assessed for possible Dyscalculia.

Brown's primary issues seem to stem from an inability to differentiate between positive and negative numbers, which frequently results in him reporting negative figures as positives. Additionally, Brown insists that his sums are correct even in the face of clear evidence from teaching staff.

This laissez-faire attitude to numerical truth led to several issues when he was running the School Tuck Shop. Selling the school's stock of Wispas at well below the RRP was the first sign of the problem, and his ongoing mismanagement has resulted in the School being the first ever Tuck Shop to require the services of an Official Receiver.


Gordon has tried hard in this subject, especially on the US Studies coursework segment, but the results have not matched his efforts. Part of this was due to his earlier associations with Blair Major (Cnut H.), which still taints his reputation today.

Sadly, he was unable to build a relationship with his American Pen Pal, Barry, which has stymied his development in this crucial portion of the Term.

His project work with Millipede Major (Banana H.) on Afghanistan has been exceptionally poor, is still incomplete way past the Term deadline and shows little progress despite wasting a huge amount of school resources.


Could do much better. Gordon seems to misunderstand the concept of history, preferring instead to believe that he and his housemates are personally responsible for all the events of the world.

Unfortunately, our attempts to disabuse him of this notion have been met with stiff resistance. He is aided in his delusion by Mandelson Minor (Slyme H.) who has now been Fagging for Brown for two years and who has become an increasing pernicious influence on Brown's already unstable world-view.

PE: Ungraded

Though it's against normal practice, we couldn't help adding a picture of Brown at the recent Sports Day to the report. Please see above.


Brown's behaviour is simply appalling, in spite of the best efforts of staff to restrain him. His temper has become a serious issue, and he has had to be reprimanded three times in the last fortnight alone for throwing objects when he doesn't get his own way. It is hard to understand why he was made Head Boy in view of his behaviour.

Brown shows pathological dishonesty, and is disinclined to accept responsibility for, or the consequences of, his own actions. He frequently attempts to blame others for his misbehaviour, with one such incident leading to the expulsion of McBride D (Cnut H.). Teachers in all departments have noted his absolute refusal to apologise, under any circumstances.

His interactions with both classmates and staff are poor, and he has little social contact outside his immediate circle. Teaching staff have endeavoured to explain the need for improvement in this area, however Brown believes his skills are significantly greater than they are. In this he is aided by his association with Mandelson Minor (Slyme House) - which is also a matter for concern given that pupil's prior suspensions for dishonesty.

Despite considerable instruction, Brown's appearance still does not meet the standard expected of a pupil of this school. We recommend remedial instruction in tie-knotting, and the school nurse is prescribing 'Stop'n'Grow' for his persistent habit of biting his nails. However, it is his insistence on excavating his nasal cavities, even during Assembly and other public functions, which shows his lack of common manners and decorum.


An extremely disappointing report. While Brown promised much when he was enrolled into the school, he has signally failed to live up to expectation.

It is therefore with sadness that we advise you that Brown is to be the subject of a Governor's Meeting to be held before June 2010, at which point we do fully expect Brown to be expelled from the School. Cameron D (Victor H.) is expected to be appointed Head Boy in his stead.



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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Actually man, you like, can't actually give him a grade, because every child, like matters ? Isn't it ? It's like against his rights or some kind of shit like that.