Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Queen's Speech Leaked: Further Apologies to be Made

", I can't do it."

Reports have reached The Diary that the traditional text of the Queen's Speech, due on Wednesday 18 November, is to be changed for this year.

A source close to the Prime Mincer said that due to the expected General Election in 2010, there was insufficient Parliamentary time available to introduce any new laws, and that therefore Her Majesty would instead be making public a list of the apologies Gordon Brown intends to make to various injured parties from history over the next six months.

While the full list of subjects for which the PM will be groveling remains unknown, The Diary has obtained exclusive material which confirms some of the historical incidents, including:
  • Apology and reparations made to living victims of the Boer War internment camps;
  • A statement of remorse for the use of 'Penal Transportation', when convicts were sent to Australia or the Americas;
  • An apology for the Dissolution of the Monasteries during the reign of King Henry VIII;
  • Compensation to be paid to the descendants of those who survived the use of Weapons of Mass Destruction, including the longbow, at the Battle of Agincourt;
  • A further apology to France for the actions of Harold Godwinson in cheating William of Normandy from his rightful throne;
  • An offer of redress to the world for Britain's actions in publicising Katie Price, Simon Cowell, Paul Daniels and Jedward.
Despite a number of rumours from various sources, Mr Brown is not expected to offer an apology to the British people for his bargain-basement gold sale, his decimation of the economy or his implementation of a surveillance state.

Mr Brown has reportedly employed the services of X-Factor vocal coach Yvie Burnett and celebrated hypnotist Paul McKenna to assist in his preparations for the mass mea culpa, and it is hoped that within around six months he will be able to say the word 'sorry' without stuttering, losing bladder control or attempting to blame everything on the victim.

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Anonymous said...

Not sure quite how to read this post old beaver.

Are you suggesting the idea of Brown apologising is silly (hence the list of things that are his fault?)


Do you think he should apologise for the other items listed but the idea of him doing so is so ridiculous?

Either way, it's awfully funny!

Bill Quango MP said...

Beat me to it again.

I know he's sorry for those people's lives, but we are sorry he's alive.