Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The Physics Of Coffee Mugs Explained

When you need it most it's in the smallest mug....

So I noticed today that the lovely Gotham Girl was asking one of those deep philosophical questions that go to the very heart of our existence here in the Universe:

"Why are all coffee mugs so small? or do they just feel that way when one hasn't had enough coffee?"

Well, it's been a long time since my PhD in Applied & Theoretical Caffeination, but I can still recall the basics and so, in the interest of Bringing Science To The Masses, permit me to explain the phenomenon.

It's a noted scientific fact that the mug size decreases in inverse proportion to the need for coffee, due to quantum irregularities. The phenomenon was first noted by Isaac Newton, in fact, who was in dire need of a triple espresso after an unfortunate apple-related incident left him lying flat on his front for three weeks. However, while his work on mug size led directly to both his Laws of Bowel Motions and a severe case of caffeine withdrawal, he was unable to explain the reason for the events he observed.

Many people believe that the breakthrough in understanding the coffee/cup/need relationship was best postulated in Folger's Caffeine Uncertainty Principle, which reputedly came to the great man after a heavy night on the Jack Daniels. The Principle states that because the act of needing coffee changes the quantum state of the coffee itself simply by being present, we can either know how much coffee is in the mug or how good it tastes - but not both. A purist would, of course, note the fundamental contradiction inherent within the Caffeine Uncertainty Principle, though lack of space prevents me explaining it here. However, many in the field now agree that Folger would have produced a better Principle had he not been hungover when he postulated all over the page.

However, some caffeticians believe that this Universal question can better be explained by the groundbreaking work of none other than Albert Einstein in his 1918 General Theory Of Javativity, which states that:

c = √Ne

where c= cup size, N= need for a brew and e= The Eurgh Constant*, brought about by not having coffee and believed to be the largest 'real number in existence**.

Now clearly, I don't have to tell you that Einstein's theory leaves significant gaps for the thinking caffetician. The theorem makes no allowance, for example, for the significant effects of spacetime on the surface area of a cappucino, for example, which many believe was Einstein's greatest error (after his choice of hairdresser).

That said, Einstein could not have been expected to predict the later work of Professor Maxwell House of Princeton, who proved that coffee exists in multiple quantum states, acting like both a wave, a particle and a good smack around the ears at the same time, and whose seminal work (thankfully just missing his mocha when he released it) on Latte Theory is still being studied for both insight and any sense at all.

So you can see from just this simple primer that the question has taxed some of the finest minds in history, and we still have much to learn about the physics of the coffee mug. However, mine is now empty so I shall refill it before it reduces to subatomic size. Join me next week, when we'll be investigating the theological schisms caused by Marmite sandwiches through history.

* This footnote intentionally left blank.

** The Eurgh Constant is defined as the square of the cube of the likelihood of you getting a kick in the teeth if you don't bring me a double espresso right now, multiplied by the Fine Structure Constant and divided by the number you first thought of. Plus 42, obviously. The equation is çɞʧE³. You're welcome.

Dun Geekin is Syphilitus Professor of Coffee Sciences at St Arbucks University. He holds a PhD in Pure and Applied Caffeinetics from Javard, a BArista in Theoretical Wiredness from Costa College, and a 10-yard swimming certificate.

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Friday, March 18, 2011

Protests Over Libya No-Fly Zone

Gaddaffi: "Just needs something to cuddle."

The Stop The War Coalition have called for immediate demonstrations against UK 'warmongering', in the wake of the decision to impose a No-Fly Zone over Libya to protect democracy campaigners.

The news follows an announcement by the Libyan regime that they will cease all military action in response to the UN Security Council Resolution, returning instead to slaughtering their citizens by more traditional covert methods.

A spokesman for the group, which opposes military action by Western powers absolutely anywhere while remaining resolutely silent on international massacres by dictators worldwide, said that the imposition of the No-Fly Zone was 'purely political' and that the Nasty Evil West should not be allowed to stop Uncle Muammar from murdering as many of his citizens as he chose.

The spokesman said, "to stop progressive democratic leaders such as Muammar Gaddafi from brutally suppressing public revolt would be a violation of international sovereignty and, of course, we all know that actually Gaddafi is just a misunderstood soul who was very kind to his mother, until he had her shot for sedition. Just ask George Galloway.

"Besides, if the West does nothing we can watch the massacres live on TV and that gives us something else to ineffectually wring our hands about, rather than standing up for what is morally right and sanctioned, in this case, by international law."

The STWC said that they planned to promote other means to stop genocide in defence of tyranny, including a campaign to send a planeload of kittens to the Libyan leader, who as far as they're concerned just needs something to cuddle.

In related news, the Yemeni and Bahraini governments continue to shoot protesters dead in the streets, while UN diplomats have taken an extended lunchbreak to have a self-congratulatory circle jerk.

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UN Acts On Libya Crisis

United Nations: A long history of hoping problems will go away if ignored.

The world was completely unsurprised last night when, in accordance with history, tradition and convention, diplomats at the League Of Nations United Nations actually got around to making a decision once it was too late for it actually to matter.

The UN Security Council last night voted 10:5 - a startling degree of unanimity from the traditionally divided talking-shop - to send a polite note to Colonel Muammar Genocide of Libya asking him nicely if he wouldn't mind stopping slaughtering absolutely everyone in his country.

Experienced UN-watchers expressed surprise at so strong and quick a decision from the Security Council, coming as it did just a few days after Colonel Genocide made a start on slaughtering absolutely everybody in his country.

A UN spokesman in New York said, "Security Council 173 sends a strong message to Colonel Genocide that the United Nations will, as we always have, sit and do precisely fuck-all until forced, at which point we will respond with the full force of the minimum we can get away with."

BBC UN Correspondent Mark Mardybum said, "while the severity of this UN decision is extremely surprising, the actual time it took to make it is completely normal . The UN has a long tradition of appeasement, disunity in the face of massacres and, of course, hoping that if they ignore a problem for long enough it will go away before they have to interrupt lunch to do something about it."

The Security Council resolution also threatens the imposition of a No-Fly-Zone over Libya, which is expected to be patrolled by the UK, who are believed to have as many as two aircraft available at present and no aircraft carriers, and the French, who have already surrendered. Arab League countries, who requested the imposition of a no-fly-zone last week, will not be using any of the new, shiny F-15s and F-16s they've been buying in hundreds from the US with petrodollars, as these are needed to brutally suppress their own internal calls for democracy.

Independent observers estimate that by the time aircraft are on station, Colonel Genocide will have completed his operations, bombed Benghazi flat, and the population of Libya will consist of the Colonel himself, his son Sadist Al-Genocide, their respective wives and the Colonel's pet camel Fred.

Neville Chamberlain was unavailable for comment.

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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

UK Government Plays Down Nuclear Power Fears

Fukushima: activists say earthquake and tsunami prove nuclear power should be banned.

As the nuclear crisis in Japan continues, the UK Government has sought to play down safety fears about planned UK nuclear plants.

The reactors at Japan's Fukushima site have suffered explosions and coolant problems since the devastating earthquake and subsequent tsunami hit the region last week, and UK activists have called for an urgent moratorium on the UK's use of atomic power stations in the wake of the disaster.

Activist Sally Dumbcow, of pressure group Use Any Disaster To Push Our Agenda (UADTPO) said, "it is clear that events in Japan show that nuclear power is a deadly evil. If the Fukushima reactors could not withstand the sixth-largest earthquake in recorded history plus the impact of several billion tons of saltwater travelling at close to the speed of sound, then what chance does it have in the unstable environment of the UK? Nuclear power will clearly devastate the planet and cause genetic mutations unto the third generation. And stuff. Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children?"

However, Energy Minister Chris Huhne sought to play down the fears of UADTPO and other pressure groups, insisting that UK nuclear plants will be fully safe.

Mr Huhne said, "I want to reassure the public that the UK's reactors will be completely safe. They will be built to the highest-possible standards, and the lowest possible tender, using Britain's finest engineering firms, like the ones who built the Millenium Bridge in London to exacting rigidity levels.

"Our plans ensure that sites will be able to withstand all the extremes that Britain can throw at them, including heavy frosts, persistent drizzle and temperatures of up to 80 degrees centigrade at least one day per year. As for seismic events - our structural engineers assure the Department of Energy that the corrugated iron planned for the reactor vessels will comfortably withstand earthquakes up to a magnitude of 0.7, and tsunami up to a wave height of almost six inches. This is British Engineering at its finest, how much safer do you want?"

Your correspondent contacted award-winning Professor Brian Cox - who knows everything - for comment, and in a statement he confirmed that those arguing against nuclear power in the UK should perhaps read his book explaining plate tectonics.

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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Midsomer Murders Team Make Cast Changes

Midsomer Multicultural: DCI Barnaby may appear in blackface in future episodes.

The producers of ITV crime drama Midsomer Murders have announced sweeping cast changes in an attempt to stave off criticism of the lack of ethnic diversity in the show.

The outcry over the lack of non-white characters in the popular series has led the producer, Brian True-May, to confirm that he would make significant changes to 'reflect the multicultural nature of small English villages'.

Speaking to an emergency meeting of the Commission For Racial Equality, he said, "I don't want people to think I'm racist at all. I'm not, and obviously some of my best friends are ethnics. So I plan to bring the viewing public my vision and experience of the multicultural Cotswold village in future episodes."

Mr True-May added, "I will bring to bear all my knowledge of black and ethnic-minority culture to the series, and in doing so I believe I'll dispel these accusations of racism in the Midsomer world."

The upcoming series, which is to be co-produced by Jim Davidson, will see the character of DCI Barnaby replaced with a wisecracking Rastafarian detective who wears a big striped hat and says, "Ooooooooooooookay" repeatedly. Rumours that the character may be played by John Nettles in blackface remain unconfirmed.

Midsomer Norton is to be replaced by Midsomer Projects, a sink estate with rampant gun-battles between police, Crips and Bloods overspilling into the peaceful surrounding villages which are of course solely occupied by white, upper-class families and their servants.

Upcoming plots are said to include a series of mysterious murders over crack-dealing territory in Newton Magna, a riot during a rap battle at Ford Florey Village Hall, and the shooting of the Asian shopkeeper by a gangbanger in Morton Shallows.

In other news, producers of 'Neighbours' confirmed that they were considering cast changes to offset complaints that non-Australians were under-represented, and US hit show 'The Fresh Prince' will be banned from all UK terrestrial channels.

The Diary has learned that Equalities Minister Theresa May is to make an Emergency Statement to MPs on the issue of under-representation of ethnic minorities in a not-very-good TV crime drama, because of course there is nothing more important going on anywhere in the world right now.

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Saturday, March 12, 2011

Scotland Skipper Announces Six Nations Changes

A rare photo of Scotland skipper Gregor Townsend without his zimmer frame.

Scotland rugby captain Gregor Townsend has announced surprise changes to the side to lose to face the might of England in Sunday's Six Nations clash at Twickenham tomorrow.

Townsend, who is Scotland's most-capped player and who celebrates his 75th birthday tomorrow by leading his team onto the field, made the changes to the starting 15 in an attempt to end their 28-year wait for a victory over England at Twickenham.

Townsend said, "we know that we're going into this match as underdogs - and, of course, we've lost all our matches this Six Nations whle England are undefeated. But I believe that we can win, and by bringing new blood into the side we can introduce new elements of dynamism. I know we can win - at least, when I'm not taking the medication I know we can win."

Townsend announced that St. Jude, Patron Saint of Hopeless Causes, is to come into the side at full-back, in an attempt to bring some luck to the back line. St Jude, who has been playing for Harlequins in recent seasons, is expected to provide at least one other person as deluded as Townsend in the Scotland XV.

The corpse of William Wallace also joins the starting lineup at prop forward, with Townsend pointing out that Wallace will need propping up due to being dead. However, Townsend added that he felt Wallace's history of performance against the English would aid in motivating a Scotland side lacking confidence.

The Scotland skipper reportedly tried to make a number of other team changes, but couldn't find a way of declaring Chris Ashton and Jonny WIlkinson Scottish. Other suggested intakes to the side, including Supergran on the left wing and Groundskeeper Willie at blind side, were rejected by the Scottish RFU as being completely imaginary and a figment of the same fevered imagination that believes Scotland have the slightest chance tomorrow.

England coach Martin Johnson was laughing too hard to comment.

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'Smokeheads' Review

This review is published on Bookmunch

Smokeheads, by Doug Johnstone
Published by Faber
ISBN 97800-571-26062-1

The author's love of whisky - if not for his characters - shines through. His descriptions of the drams fill your mind with sensations good enough to drink, and are as vivid as his characterisations aren't.

Here's a challenge for you. Design a cliched novel.

The Hero: Thirtysomething Guy trapped in a dead-end job, crippled with insecurity and shyness but with a big TOP SECRET [SUBJECT]-related plan to Become Someone, in which he can only be helped by:

The Rich Friend: millionaire, loudmouth, shallow, brazen, coke-addled, self-absorbed, unfaithful;

The Laid-Back Chilled Friend Who Nobody ACTUALLY Knows That Much About And Whose Mysteriousness Will Hold Secrets That Subsequently Impact The Plot;

The Completely Normal Married Friend Who Will No Doubt Play Little Part In The Upcoming Plot;

And of course before we can get to The Plan, there's the:

Obligatory [SUBJECT]-Related Female Love Interest, for whom our Hero has some unexpressed feelings which of course are reciprocated, bringing him into conflict with:

The Violent Ex-Husband Who Is Also The Local Police Officer And Thus A Law Unto Himself.

A generic plot doesn’t necessarily mean a bad book, though, and as a whisky lover I was keen to visit Islay with Doug Johnstone and see how his characters, stereotypical though they may have been, fared in their travels.

The first problem I ran into with Smokeheads was how unsympathetically Doug Johnstone has defined his lead characters. The main ones, as described above, are all pretty much stereotypical novel characters, yet from an early stage they are characterised so unattractively that it doesn't provide an impetus to nose further into the book and discover their journey.

I think the immediate issue is that while it's good to have a main protagonist that is seeking self-redemption, so that you can HOPE with him through the story - if the character in question is so insecure, unattractive and mired in self-loathing in the first fifty pages it's tough to connect with enough sympathy to WANT him to succeed. If I want unsympathetically-crafted characters with few redeeming features and sufficient bad ones to make me dislike them from very early on - I'll watch an episode of Eastenders.

The plot itself was indeed pretty thin and, sadly, lacked any sort of true buildup, going straight from one issue with the ‘smokeheads’ straight into the main thrust of the story, which was essentially a generic ‘group being pursued by crazy person’ theme. It was made even less believable by one of the protagonists who, despite a large chunk of Audi embedded in his torso and significant blood loss, still found both time and energy to make smart-alec remarks every second or third paragraph. And as I’ve already mentioned, by the time I reached that point in the book I didn’t like the main characters enough to want them to prevail. I kept hoping the Generic Bad Guy would catch and kill them, bringing the book to an end.

There’s also the jump to consider, from a book about dreams of personal redemption to violent action thriller. This could have been a fantastic twist from one genre to another, but the flatness of the writing and the characters meant it lacked the impact it could have had. It also didn’t help that Johnstone telegraphed the upcoming violence like a punch from a drunken Glaswegian.

Johnstone’s action sequences, while pacy, are so lacking in description that they simply blur, leaving the reader hard-pressed to follow what’s going on. A good sequence should allow you ‘see’ the action on a mental cinema screen – the amount of dialogue and the speed in which everything passed, combined with limited visual cues or description, made that extremely difficult and added to the lack of interest in the plot.

Another disappointment was the lack of colour to the landscape and descriptions. As with the characters, Doug Johnstone has largely ignored the imagery of the Scottish islands, leaving you with little sense of the geography or the breathtaking beauty of the area. It could have therefore been set anywhere, from the Highlands to an Edinburgh council estate, with little difference to the story itself.

What kept me reading this to the finish, despite my absolute and immediate dislike of the characters and most of the writing, was the love that shone through from Johnstone for the true hero of the story - whisky. Johnstone describes his whiskies with a zest, passion and colour that his humans can't hope to compete with, bringing an occasional beauty to the prose that would otherwise be missing.

I can’t help feeling that Doug Johnstone likes whisky considerably more than he likes people – a sentiment I can fully agree with. However, given this he probably shouldn’t have written a novel, and instead should have focused on bringing us a whisky-tasting manual – which would, I can guarantee, have been more excitingly and colourfully written and undoubtedly a more enjoyable read than Smokeheads.

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Friday, March 11, 2011

Don't Expect Any Funnies Today

This has struck closer to home, this time around, than it may previously have done.

My thoughts are with those affected by this tragedy.

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Thursday, March 10, 2011

The 'Not A Banker' Who Broke The Bank...

It appears that 'Fred The Shred' has thrown himself unto the Courts,
And used legal precedent, to disguise the fact he’s bent
And the Judges did decree he’s not a banker any more,
And to call him by this term they did prevent,
Yes to call him by the term they did prevent,

Though he robbed the shareholders all along,
It just makes you want to swear,
And it really isn’t fair,
That this venal millionaire,
Left his banking customers high and dry,
And now his guilt he would defy,
He’s the man that broke the bank just east of Glasgow!

To deny he was a banker is just pointless double-talk,
We were all left so aghast at the money he’d amassed,
And he pocketed his Pension with the keenness of a hawk,
Now he wants his sins all hidden in the past,
Yes he wants his sins all hidden in the past,

Though he robbed the shareholders all along,
It just makes you want to swear,
And it really isn’t fair,
That this venal millionaire,
Left his banking customers high and dry,
And now his guilt he would defy,
He’s the man that broke the bank just east of Glasgow!

So Sir Fred has his injunction but the truth we all can tell,
It’s a steaming pile o’poo, for the good that it will do,
We will STILL call him a banker, he can go to fuckin’ Hell,
He can scream ‘contempt of court’, what can they do,
When a million people shout out that it’s true?

Though he robbed the shareholders all along,
It just makes you want to swear,
And it really isn’t fair,
That this venal millionaire,
Left his banking customers high and dry,
And now his guilt he would defy,
He’s the man that broke the bank just east of Glasgow!

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France Recognises Libyan Rebels

The French flag flies over their Mission in Tripoli this morning.

French diplomats have confirmed today that they have recognised the Libyan rebel leadership, the National Libyan Council, as the country's legitimate Government.

In a statement released this morning, a spokesman for the office of President Knickerless Sarkozy said, "France has a duty and a responsibility to meet its international obligations, and to maintain its worldwide diplomatic presence. We recognise the bravery and determination of the NLC in staving off the yoke of Gadaffi's oppression, and their courage in taking up arms for freedom."

"The Government of France therefore announces its unconditional surrender to the National Libyan Council. Here, take my daughter. Just don't hurt us, please!", before running off to hide under his bed.

The French Embassy in Tripoli is now reported to be flying the country's traditional white flag, and negotiations are under way for the NLC, currently running eastern Libya from a garden shed in Benghazi, to take over the Elysee Palace in Paris.

The news is the latest in France's capitulations to Middle-Eastern democracy campaigners, and follows their recent unconditional surrender to a homeless Algerian with a big dog in Marseilles last week.

General De Gaulle was unavailable for comment.

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Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Government Introduce New Solar Power Initiative

Cameron & Hague: "combined forehead surface area the size of the Isle of Wight"

As the crisis in the Middle East continues, the Government has announced new measures to reduce the UK's reliance on fossil fuels in the face of rising oil prices.

With the price of oil still rising and the cost of a barrel of crude now at $105, the Department of Energy & Climate change said that 'immediate measures' were necessary to offset the cost and make greater use of renewable sources.

Secretary of State for Energy, Chris Huhne, said, "as the situation in the Middle East remains fluid, it is essential that we investigate all other avenues for energy generation, reducing and removing our reliance on old oil-fired power stations. Therefore, with immediate effect we will be placing solar panels on the vast foreheads of Prime Minister David Cameron and Foreign Secretary William Hague."

Mr Huhne added, "the huge surface-area of their combined heads will allow for an area of photoelectric cells equivalent to a land mass the size of the Isle Of Wight, fully dedicated to providing power to the National Grid and allowing us to remove up to six oil-fired power stations from the UK inventory. This will have a significant impact on the UK meeting its carbon-emissions targets under the Kyoto Accords as well."

Environmental activists have cautiously welcomed the DECC proposal, though they expressed concerns at the use of politicians in the generation of electricity. Hilary Sandalwonk, spokesperson for Gaea's Great, said, "while we can see the benefit in using two massive slapheads as a source of renewable power, care must be taken to ensure that the vacuous pronouncements they make on a regular basis don't spout so much hot air into the atmosphere that it removes the benefit of the CO2 reduction."

Plans to expand the solar project to include Iain Duncan Smith remain unconfirmed, as solar-panel manufacturers have expressed doubts that it is even possible to build sufficient cells to cover his head.

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Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Hague Accepts Responsibility For Failed Libya Mission

A crack UK Special-Ops team prepare for deployment to Libya.

Secretary of State For International Screwups William Hague has said that he takes 'full ministerial responsibility' for a bungled diplomatic mission in Libya which led to British personnel being captured by armed rebels.

More details have been emerging about the reportedly botched mission, which caused six personnel and an intelligence officer to be handcuffed and held for some hours. The personnel have now been released and are aboard HMS Cumberland.

Mr Hague said, "I take full responsibility for authorising the mission. Unfortunately, it was an error on my part. I had meant to call the SAS, but unfortunately I'd had 14 pints and ended up drunk-dialling my constituency Morris-Dancing Society instead. They did the best they could do, under the circumstances."

A spokesman for the Richmond Morris Men said, "obviously we were surprised to receive Mr Hague's call - escorting Intelligence officers isn't normally within our remit. But we had a blank space in the diary, and he said he needed us."

The spokesman added, "the black assault gear was a bit of a problem, but it worked well once we added the bells and traditional hats. However, once the helicopter landed, our problems really began. The Libyan rebels thought our accordion was a dangerous weapon, and the MoD Rules Of Engagement wouldn't let us use the Stick And Bucket Dance, so all we had to defend ourselves with were our white kerchiefs. It kind-of went downhill from there really."

Questions have been asked in Parliament over Mr Hague's decision to employ Morris Men in such a volatile situation, with Labour MP Denis MacShane predictably asking if the Foreign Slaphead had considered his position.

SAS troopers, speaking anonymously about the botched mission, said that had the Morris Men were inadequately equipped and prepared for their risky insertion. One said, "I mean, come on. It sounds like they didn't even have a publishing deal ready for when they got captured. How ill-prepared is that?"

Andy McNab was all-too-available to comment.

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Monday, March 07, 2011

Hades Issues Desperate Aid Plea

The UN Disaster Relief Fund has called for urgent action to prevent what it called a 'crisis of unimaginable proportions', after Hell unexpectedly froze over last week.

President Lucifer of Hell has also called on the international community for help, with uncountable souls currently suffering a fifth day of Arctic conditions. Pits of boiling lava have reportedly frozen solid and Charon, the MD of the Hades Ferry Line, has been stranded in the middle of the frozen Acheron River since the crisis started. Almost all the residents of the Upper Circles of Hell are lacking basic winter essentials such as blankets and coats, with many walking barefoot through six-foot snowdrifts.

President Lucifer acknowledged that the UN had been slow to respond due to prior allegations of torture and human soul abuses in Hell, but said, "we simply don't have the infrastructure to handle this. We're sorted for eternal punishments, flaying and Sisyphean tasks, but there's been a chronic lack of investment in the hardware to handle an Ice Age."

The crisis began just after 2100GMT on Wednesday 2 March, when reports indicate that elegant New York socialite @nycdeb accepted a proposal of marriage from @dungeekin, sparking an immediate change in the normally stable climate of the Netherworld. Within hours, blizzards were devastating the normally superheated lava floes, causing significant damage and resulting in delays to the regularly-run Eternal Torture services.

The Disaster Relief Fund is to launch a televised appeal for supplies to aid the stricken Underworld, including coal to keep the torture fires burning, and equipment to build an all-weather Flaying pitch so that normal services within Hell can be continued.

Asked for his thoughts on the events which precipitated the crisis, President Lucifer said, "Utterly thoughtless. Nobody ever suspected that either of those two would get hitched - it would have been a bit bloody chilly here if one of them had done it, but the insensitive buggers had to do it with EACH OTHER. I've got something really special waiting for those two when they get down here, I can tell you."

@Dungeekin was too blissfully happy to comment.

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