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Thursday, January 29, 2009

News in Brief - 29 January 2009

Parents to Get Advice on Kids Drinking at Home
Chief Medical Office Liam Donaldson to offer parents advice on children drinking at home. He says, "vodka doesn't leave puke stains, and mixes well with baby milk if you want a good nights' sleep".

Strewth! Aussies Face Record Heat
A severe heatwave hits northern Australia, with temperatures over 40C. Sales of shrimp and barbies soar. Briton who claimed it was a bit hot branded a 'whinging Pommie poofter'.

Scottish Lib-Dems Offer SNP Outside Over Budget
Tavish Scott, Scottish Lib-Dem Leader, has invited the SNP outside to resolve the current Budget crisis. He was quoted as saying "I'll have the lot o'ye, ya bastids, bytheway", before nutting reporters.

Iraq Ends Licence for Blackwater
Iraqi MPs will not renew the operations licence of US Mercenary Private Security company Blackwater. An Iraqi spokesman said that US training now means the Iraqi Army is perfectly capable of killing their own civilians without assistance.

Violent Girl Crime up 50%
Violent crime among young women has soared 50%, according to The Beano. Lads' TV Channel Nuts TV plans to hire those convicted for new prime-time 'Foxy Fighting' show.

Identity of Top Gear's 'Stig' Revealed
Identity of the mysterious racing driver now confirmed to be Maureen from 'Driving School', who discovered her talent after Slimming Club sessions and a stuck throttle cable on the M56.

Turkish PM Walks Out of Davos Conference
Turkey's Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan has stormed out of the Davos Economic Conference after being 'insulted' by Israel's Shimon Peres, who compared him to Bernard Matthews. Erdogan quoted as saying, "I'm going home, and I'm taking my kofte with me".

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