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Monday, January 19, 2009

Government to Revise MP Expenses Reporting

The Government has announced new legislation to revise the way MPs submit and report expenses, it was revealed this week.

The new methods, announced by Commons Leader Harridan Harperson, effectively nullify a recent High Court decision forcing MPs to publish every receipt for their expenses.

Ms Harperson derided the High Court's decision as 'unworkable', citing the risk to National Security of the general public actually knowing what their tax money was being spent on. Instead, she said, the information would be provided in an "affordable and appropriate way".

Under the proposed new rules, MPs will submit their expenses under 26 separate categories, including:
  • Salaries to spouses, ne'er-do-well offspring and nannies under 'Research Budget';
  • Rent-boys, massage-parlour visits and bondage sessions under 'Constituent Visits';
  • Home decoration and personal holidays under 'Personal Development & Training';
  • Hotel suites and second flats for mistresses under 'Secretarial and Dicktation';
  • Bribing BBC reporters for favourable spin under 'Constituency Communications'.
Ms Harperson said that to 'further ensure clarity' in the reporting process, all expenses information would be released without the MP names being linked, to prevent terrorists gaining access to potentially useful information.

The expenses reports themselves will be audited by a team of executives from Enron and Northern Rock, with final signoff on the figures from the Chairman of RBS.

While the move has been met with outrage from many sides, with FOI campaigners attacking it as 'outrageous', the BBC has lauded the move, with Nick Robinson quoted as saying, "thank God for that - if the public found out how much the Government are paying me to shill for them, I'd be lynched!".

A Home Office spokesman said that the move would "allow MPs to focus on the real issues in these difficult times, without having to worry about their revenue stream". The Conservatives were unavailable for comment, as they were too busy shredding their receipts.

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