Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Immigrants to 'Earn Citizenship'

The Home Office want to introduce steps to turn immigration and citizenship into 'a journey', with clearly defined steps toward integration into Britain.

In a document leaked to the BBC and this correspondent, the Home Office have detailed their plans and requirements, and given an outline of the assessment process, which is reproduced below:


We should expect our new citizens to learn adequate English, which this Government appreciates is not an easy process but a vital one. Simple 'book learning' is inadequate for integration, so new immigrants should quickly educate themselves on British colloquialisms. Watching 'Eastenders' regularly should ensure good development of this, rapidly ensuring the correct quantity and placement of 'you slags', 'shut it' and 'innit' into the candidates' language.

Given that we are expecting integration, special attention will be paid to children - if they are seen to be having literacy issues (that is, they can read and write better than our primary schoolchildren) then additional, Council-funded training will be provided to bring them down to the level of 'txt-spk' illiteracy required by this nation.


Assimilation into British Culture is also a necessity for new immigrants. They should understand, and be actively involved in, the activities which shape us as a nation and as communities. New arrivals will, therefore, be expected to follow the England football team, with bonus points given in the assessment process for off-pitch violence or racist chants.

An appreciation for the arts is also necessary, so immigrants will be required to sit regular written examinations on 'Coronation Street', 'Eastenders' (see above), 'X-Factor' and 'Britain's Got Talent'. 'Integration Credits' will be available based upon the telephone voting record of the prospective immigrant. Demerits will be applied for candidates showing an interest in elitist subjects such as Theatre, Opera, Politics or World Affairs.

Candidates will also be assessed on the number of binge-drinking sessions they have been involved in during the assessment period. Particular attention should be paid to the incidence of vomiting and public urination, to ensure that candidates are reaching the required target.

Younger candidates will be able to earn Integration Credits based upon the number of ASBOs issued in a given period, with additional credits available for Burberry and Bench clothing, acts of vandalism, big-exhausted Citroen Saxo vehicles and teenage pregnancies.


The contribution made by immigration to this country cannot be overestimated, and new migrants should ensure that they are making the contribution expected by Government Policy.

Therefore, all new immigrants will be expected to develop an intimate understanding of the Benefits system, and part of the assessment process will be to ensure that immigrants know their rights and what payments they're entitled to. Bonus Integration Credits will be available to those candidates publicly complaining that their Local-Authority provided housing is too small or too dirty, and that it's the Council's responsibility to clean their house.

Additional Integration Credits will also be made available based upon the number of children to immigrant single mothers, with special attention paid to the number of different fathers as a target criteria.

Any immigrant candidate found to be working and paying Income Tax/National Insurance, if not claiming benefits, will be subject to the immediate cancellation of their candidacy and revocation of their 'Right to Remain', as they are clearly not integrating correctly into New Labour's Society.


Anonymous said...

Similar to what I was thinking but far more creatively expressed. I read this and thought that the locals could go through the same process...especially to get benefits.

Anonymous said...


You are so clever with the way you write! I found this to be apt and amazingly accurate and effectively thought provoking whilst being humorous and witty.

How do you do it?

Who knows, just keep doing it so my brain can be exercised itself LOL!

Shelley xxx
Your biggest fan

Catosays said...

'Ere, guv, you're taking the piss, innit'.


banned said...

"new immigrants will be expected to develop an intimate understanding of the Benefits system ".
Surely they already do, no doubt part of the training in Paki(stani) maddrasses.

I however do not, does that mean I'll be booted out ?