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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Bin Laden Calls for New Jihad

Al-Qaeda's elusive leader Osama Bin Laden has called for a new Jihad in a new audio tape released to the Reuters news agency today.

In the latest tape, which is being checked for authenticity by the CIA, Bin Laden called for all Muslims to declare a Holy War on the Starbucks chain, after they reportedly served him with a substandard Vente Halal Decaf Latte.

Describing Starbucks as 'The Coffee Satan'. Bin Laden called for the faithful to unite, saying, "it is an insult to the will of Allah that a terrorist can't get his morning coffee served the way he wants it. It's hard enough to get motivated most mornings anyway after a night in the cave, all I want is a fricking Latte, insh'Allah.

"Yet the bloody baristas at Tora Bora Starbucks keep forgetting to give me a double shot, and don't heat the milk enough. It is a direct affront to the Muslim people and we must strike back at these Satanic purveyors of crap coffee with the full force of the Faithful."

Bin Laden reportedly continued in a similar vein for some 30 minutes, before finally denouncing all those who take brown sugar in espresso as 'infidels' and calling for their execution.

A Starbucks barista, contacted for comment while this reporter was buying his morning mocha, declined to comment.

(Published in The Tart, 14 January 2009).


Hedgewytch said...

I think I will support this Jihad,
these American coffee houses are just disgraceful. Overpriced, weak fluffy concoctions. Bring back the good old cupfull of brew so thick you can hold up a spoon in.
Quatro for me please, none of this namby pamby slim latte business

Anonymous said...

I think I will support this Jihad,

banned said...

count me in; down with yanqui false coffee pedlars.