Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Friday, February 26, 2010

PM 'Delighted' at UK Growth Figures

IMF: Keeping a truckload of cash on standby.

The Government have proudly hailed their management of the economy, after revised figures released today indicated that the UK is slightly less fucked than was first thought.

The Office of National Statistics, releasing its first revision to the figures for the last quarter of 2009, said that it was believed the UK economy had grown by 0.3% rather than the 0.1% previously published. The true figures are expected to be released after the Election, when the PM won't be beating up ONS staff to get his own way.

The increase has been put down to stronger growth than expected in services and manufacturing, and is nothing at all to do with a weak pound. Honest.

Announcing the figures and wearing a laurel wreath, Prime Minister And Saviour of the World Gordon 'Colostomy' Brown said, "this is a marvelous day. I am delighted that these figures, fully justifying my economic genius in printing eleventy-billion extra pounds of money.

"The figures released today show the strong, vibrant growth that can be expected of a Labour Government. In fact, when you look at it through the eyes of a Labour economist, this is in fact growth far in excess of any other country not just in the Eurozone, nor in the G7, but in fact the world. 0.3 is three times more than 0.1, so I can say we've had 300% growth over estimates.300% growth is not to be underestimated."

While the BBC have confirmed the figure of 300% growth and lauded the great leadership of the Fiscal Genius Gordon, other sources have pointed out the potential impact of rising inflation on future figures, and that the UK is still at high risk of a 'double-dip' recession. However, the PM rejected the suggestion as 'talking down Britain' and 'factionism', and insisted that any return to recession would be after the election and thus the fault of the Tories.

The IMF have responded cautiously to the news that the UK is slightly less wrecked than was originally reported. Lotta Cashcountin, Senior Analyst at the IMF, said, "this is possibly good news, but to early to tell. However, we are tentatively upgrading the UK's status from 'Totally Fucked' to 'Almost Completely Buggered', and will keep the situation under review and a truckload of cash on standby for when they finally do collapse."

Stumble Upon Toolbar


English Pensioner said...

Growth of 0.3%.
If thst is a great amount, it is what he should offer Civil Servants in the next pay discussions.

patently said...

tentatively upgrading the UK's status from 'Totally Fucked' to 'Almost Completely Buggered'

I love that illustration of what passes for good news these days... :-)