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Monday, February 15, 2010

Grandparents 'a Threat to Children'

An evil middle-class grandparent.

Grandparents are to face new licensing, checking and contact procedures as part of new regulations on child protection, it has been announced today.

The news follows reports that children who regularly spent time with their grandparents were three times more likely to be overweight, and describes grandparents as 'a dangerous influence' on the growth and development of regulation children'.

Under the new rules, grandparents who wish to spend time with their grandchildren will be required to complete a three-week course in Government-Approved In-Loco-Parenting, submit to an extended CRB check and will only be allowed to associate with the offspring of their offspring in specially-sanctioned areas under CCTV and Social Services supervision.

Minister for Fucking Up Families Ed Balls said, "our evidence shows that middle-class children who spend significant time with grandparents have a 15% chance of being overweight for their age, sometimes by as much as 200g. Indications are that this is caused by their habit of occasionally allowing children to have sweets. This is tantamount to child abuse.

"All children should grow up according to Government guidelines, Government height and weight statistics, Government-recommended diets and Government education. Any deviance from this is not down to genetics, but due to the fact that parents and grandparents cannot be trusted to breed to Government standards. This must be stopped."

The Minister pointed out that current legislation and Government education policies had largely ruled out the influence of biological parents on the raising of children. However, he added that the 'pernicious influence' of caring grandparents was a 'threat to Government child-raising that could not be ignored'.

Mr Balls pointed out that the new rules on grand-parenting would only be temporary, and would be withdrawn once the concept of parenting was completely revoked with the introduction of Hatcheries and Conditioning Centres.

Aldous Huxley was unavailable for comment.

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1 comment:

thesurealist said...

Can I sue my parents? I was left in the care of my grandparents (now long deceased) and well, the weight just piled on... What say you?