Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Gordon Brown Attacks 'Scary' Conservatives

'Colostomy' Brown: "The Tories are scary. Honest. Can I have another go?"

Prime Minister Gordon 'Colostomy' Brown has attacked the Conservatives as 'scary' and insisted that the Labour Party is the party of growth, addressing European leaders today.

In a speech designed to provide early positioning ahead of Labour's Election Campaign prelaunch, expected on Saturday, Mr Brown spoke passionately about the 'reign of terror' that would happen under a Tory Government, expected in May.

The PM said, "instead of admitting that the national debt is all the fault of eeeeeevil bankers and financiers, and nothing to do with me at all, the Right are not only trying to blame the Government for the crisis, but trying to deny people the comforting handout that State Control can give."

Mr Brown added, "The Tories are trying to scare people into believing in a bleak and austere picture of the future, when in fact the first priority must be growth - growth which only a Labour Government can deliver.

"We have already started and growth can be seen in all areas of Britain. There is growth in unemployment, in the economically inactive, in the Retail Price Index and in the debt figures. Growth in borrowing, in CCTV monitoring, in money supply and the DNA Database. Growth in the public sector and in Quangos, growth in crime and, in Afghanistan, growth in the death toll. The Labour Party is the Party of Growth."

To rapturous disinterest from the assembled leaders, Mr Brown continued with his theme, insisting, "The Tories are a scary party. I mean, look at Michael Howard. Or rather, don't look at him, well, not straight in the eyes anyway. Use a mirror - only you can't, because it doesn't show his reflection. And they'll cut taxes, which is bad, and. . and. . George Osborne comes from Eton which is scary and The Tories are all axe murderers and they eat babies and stuff. Honest. Can I have another five years?", before wetting himself and having to be taken for a lie-down by Harriet Harman.

However, Mr Brown's speech has met with a lukewarm reception outside the corridors of power. An unofficial opinion poll conducted on behalf of The Diary in response to the speech showed that 84% of the Electorate thought that the country being run by a wonky-eyed, slack-jawed Scottish halfwit is a hell of a lot more scary than David Cameron's forehead, and that the only thing currently growing in this country is Gordon Brown's need for stronger medication.

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Anonymous said...

Had as big a laugh from your links as from your post.

Gordon Brown is completely divorced from reality, sometimes I wonder if he actually has a dangerous psychosis.

The national debt is £845,000,000,000, and rising. He still insists Labour will provide stability and the Tories will not.

I am not joking for once, do Prime Ministers have psychological evaluations, because I am seriously concerned that he is mentally unstable.

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