Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Samaritans Launch 'Jadeline'

Saint Jade of Essex ministering to her faithful flock of tabloid paparazzi.

Counselling charity Samaritans has announced it is setting up a new 'Jade Helpline', to help those most affected deal with the impending loss of the reality TV person.

The new Jadeline service will be a private number issued only to tabloid journalists, dealing with the grief of actually having to go back to work and report some real news instead of simply reprinting Max Clifford's latest press release.

Sources within The Sun and The Mirror have reported many 'journalists' suffering 'severe Post-Goody Stress Disorder' following the revelation that they would actually have to find proper stories to write about. One reporter, who declined to be named, said, "we've spent weeks just splurging the latest blurb from Max all over the front page, with yet another photo. Many of our staff have forgotten what little they knew about real journalism - we're terrified, what are we gonna do when the Jade gravy train is gone?"

Samaritans spokesman Em Pathy said, "we realise that the impending tragic death of Jade Goody will be a moment for tremendous grief within the tabloid industry. The loss of easy headlines, pap-shots of a non-sleb and the marked reduction in revenue stream from kiss-n-tell stories is a matter for major concern, and the Samaritans will be there for all those tabloid hacks who are facing a future of proper work".

Ms Pathy added that the Samaritans were starting a campaign to make Post-Goody Stress Disorder a recognised and legitimate mental illness and eligible for incapacity benefit.

Your Correspondent attempted to approach Jack Tweed for comment, during a brief window when he wasn't in jail, but unfortunately had the crap beaten out of him by Mr Tweed armed with a golf club.


Barnsley Bill said...

Why does this not surprise me. Another national week of mournsturbation is about to kick off.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Two or more weeks of mourn porn. I can hardly fucking wait.

Time to buy those interflora shares.

banned said...

"mourn porn", nice Henry, nice.
As O/H puts it "Jade, just f**k off and die "

I expect that Max has another sub-teen Mum waiting in the wings, perhaps with a new twist like the father being still at the local Public School. Max will be hoping she doesn't drop before Jade does.