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Monday, March 09, 2009

New Speed Limits Introduced

A new Road Safety campaign has been launched by the Government today, with the stated aim of jointly reducing both the accident rate and offsetting rising unemployment.

Following the success of the Government's Think!! speed-reduction campaign and the introduction of 20mph 'Safe Zones', Road Minister Jim Fitzpatrick has announced that the scheme is to be expanded in scope and legislation.

Under the terms of the new laws, the maximum speed on most of Britain's roads will be reduced to 4mph, and all cars are to be preceded by a man waving a red flag in order to warn other road users and pedestrians.

The 4mph limit will be enforced by a nationwide network of average speed cameras, backed by a login system installed on the driveway of every house in the country. Any journey that exceeds 4mph average for its entirety will be subject to a fine of £60 per minute based on the differential between the actual time taken and the projected time at the new speed limit.

Mr Fitzpatrick said, "we know that if a child is struck by a car at 40mph they have an 80% chance of being killed. If struck at 30mph, there's an 80% chance they'll live. By reducing the speed limit, nationwide, to 4mph we can be certain that there will never be another fatal accident on Britain's roads - and the fine system will ensure that we have plenty of revenue to invest in our new retail banking business".

The Minister also explained that the draconian speed limit would not apply on motorways, where once a toll had been paid drivers could accelerate all the way to 15mph. He also added that the sending of text messages while driving would now become legal, as long as the sender could prove Labour Party membership.

While road safety groups and Guardian readers have welcomed the new plans, they have not met with universal approval. Top Gear presenter and renowned petrolhead Jeremy Clarkson said, "It's just another [CENSORED] attack by the [CENSORED] [CENSORED] Government, who [CENSORED] think that they're [CENSORED] when, as far as I'm [CENSORED] concerned, they can [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] with knobs on".

1 comment:

Bill Quango MP said...

4mph. Typical of this government.
We here at the Slowerpower
fakecharity believe that this new scheme will deprive many charity workers and charity directors of much needed revenue by solving the problem. In order to continue to promote our very worthy cause and draw our very worthy salaries this organisation is going to press the government to go much further and make the new speed limit 3mph.
Our studies have shown that a man with a red flag is a distraction and we are campaigning to have the flag changed to a tea towel of Historic Bath, and the man to a specially trained non threatening, fluffy 'speed helper' puppy.
Please support the new campaign by putting up
"Don't cruise, don't abuse.
At 4mph a child may bruise."
posters. Preferably on car windscreens.