Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Obituary - Jade Goody 1981-2009

Well, as it appears that 'OK! Magazine' are doing it, then I don't see why I shouldn't.


The United Kingdom, and the worlds of Literature, Art and Science are united in grief today at the announcement of the tragic passing of Jade Goody at just 27 years old.

Fighting back tears, Gordon Brown paid tribute to Jade and her works, describing her as, "the brightest light in Britain's firmament". He added, "we shall never see another who gave so much of herself, and who contributed so greatly to the advancement of knowledge around the world".

Born Janet Goodlington-Smythe to a family of itinerant Essex pig-felchers, it was expected that Jade would join the family business - but her brilliance and talent made it clear from an early age that she was destined for greatness. By the age of 13, she had already passed 6 A-Levels and produced an anthology of poetry that was described by Poet Laureate Andrew Motion as 'worthy of the finest of Wordsworth'.

After achieving a double First in Mathematics and Classics at St. Hildas College Oxford at the tender age of 17, Janet changed her name to Jade Goody and pursued her love of literature to the full. At 19, she published a translation of Dante's Divine Comedy that stands to this day as the definitive masterwork. Turning to art, Jade's first exhibition of work at Tate Modern rendered Brian Sewell accentless, and won her the Turner Prize.

At 20, Jade took a year off before changing careers again, this time bringing her artistic talents to the screen. During her 'gap year', as she described it, she found time to row single-handed around the world backwards, and also carried out the first solo trek by a woman to both Poles, in doing so beating Sir Ranulph Fiennes' long-standing speed record.

Jade's rise to stardom as an actress was, unsurprisingly, meteoric, and within a year she had been awarded her first Oscar for Best Actress. However, it was widely considered that her work with Shilpa Shetty, which netted her a Best Supporting Actress Oscar, was her best moment overall.

Despite a hectic schedule, Jade found time to work tirelessly for good causes across the globe. Her boundless energy was applied to innumerable projects, and she is credited directly with the achievement of peace in the Middle East following her ground-breaking tripartite negotiations with Israel and Palestine. Her radical approach to community relations led to the implementation of a stable unity government in Zimbabwe, and she was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for her single-handed resolution of the conflict in Sudan.

Despite being diagnosed with a terminal illness, Jade fought bravely and with dignity, and in her last months she retreated to a sanatorium in Hertfordshire, where she returned to her studies. Her final work, a mathematical system for the generation of cold fusion, is currently being studied by teams of physicists at Oxford, Cambridge, MIT and CERN.

Jade is survived by her husband, golf-club tester Jack Tweedy, and two children, and we offer them our sympathy.

Jade is to receive a State Funeral at Westminster Abbey, to be presided over by the Archbishop of Canterbury, who she counted among her personal friends. Sir Elton John has also announced that he will be performing at the service.

The United Nations has announced a three-day National Mourning Period to allow all those devastated by the loss of this great woman to come to terms with their grief. In the UK, following reports of suicides and mass displays of grief in the streets, the Government has made a counselling helpline available.

If you have been affected by the loss of this paragon of all that is Best in Britain, call the 'Oh My God, Jade Goody's died and I just can't handle it' Helpline on:

(0800) 66 47328 5677**

**(working out the text version is left as an exercise for the reader)


Catosays said...

You rotten sod, I've just done a Snotty in my pants....Nurse, new nappy please!!

Mr Farty said...

Princess Jade will be forever in our hearts, sob!
I'm bored. Wen's the next series of Big Bravva cahmin' on?

banned said...

I'm still waiting ( EJ, geddit ! ) for the Snowdonesque photo opp of Jade pesented as Princess Diana with her two boys as Harry and Wills.

Dungeekin said...

Cato: My apologies.

Don't use Tena pants, as I hear Snotty's planning to nationalise them since he outgrew his Huggies Pull-Ups.


Henry North London 2.0 said...

Whats the text version GO on tell us now shes snuffed it?

Dungeekin said...


The text version should be easy to work out if you have a mobile phone.


Anonymous said...

"rendered Brian Sewell accentless"


Anonymous said...

no great loss

MommyHeadache said...

So touching. I haven't been able to leave the house for days mourning this lady. As you say, a great mind cut off in its prime. I would say one of the biggest and most brilliant brains of a her generation, with the possible exception of Paul Gazza Gascoigne.

Henry North London 2.0 said...

On Great Loss?

Oompedoomp said...

OMG! Jade Goody is dead. Shit. That's not nice. She was only just on the telly yesterday. What happened?