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Thursday, March 12, 2009

Chocolate to Get Health Warnings

A new 'Health Warning' photo for chocolate bars.

The Department of Health has today announced a new scheme aimed at tackling the social and public health issues caused by the wanton consumption of chocolate.

The actions follow the recent campaign by Doctor David Interferingscrote, who described chocolate as 'a major player in the obesity epidemic' facing the UK.

Speaking at the BMA Annual Scottish Conference, Dr Interferingscrote - who started his campaign after his wife and children left him for someone who was less of a miserable, joyless waste of oxygen - had called for chocolate to be subject to taxation, which could be used to fund further campaigns to remove anything people enjoy from life.

Health Secretary Alan Johnson immediately welcomed the report, saying, "anything that makes the Proles more miserable is a good thing, as far as this Government is concerned. And if we can make a few quid in tax, too, well that's good for the old pension pot, isnit?"

Under the new legislation, to be introduced using the Parliament Act in order to prevent debate, chocolate is to be subject to an immediate tax of 40% at the point of sale. All bars of chocolate over 30g are also to carry health warnings, similar to those on cigarette packets, along with pictures of fat people to hammer the point home to the illiterate.

Dr Interferingscrote has now been commissioned by the Goonvernment to carry out an Inquiry to discover everything else that normal human beings actually enjoy once in a while, with a view to either banning or taxing them. Speaking through a bulletproof barrier to protect him from the outraged masses, the doctor welcomed his new role, adding, "I believe it's important that the views of one loveless, lifeless, joyless, soulless fuckwit are taken into account, and used to throttle any semblance of enjoyment from the daily lives of ordinary people".

Based on the well-known links between chocolate and sex, the Government is also to draw up a White Paper to implement taxation of procreation at 23%, with fellatio being taxed at the higher rate. A spokesman for Gordon Brown said that the Prime Minister would be unaffected by the tax plans, as the only thing he's ever fucked is the country.


Martin said...

If we are to tax fatty foods on the grounds they cost the NHS more money, shall we also tax anorexics for the food that they don't eat?

Anonymous said...

On the same theme as Martin, presumably Bulimics will be able to bag up what comes back and send it to HMRC for a refund?

This 'Dr' is lucky he lives at the other end of the country...


Mark Wadsworth said...

No no, they are more subtle than that. As David Allen said in the 1970s, if they want you to stop doing something, the first thing they do is say it's unhealthy. So they have to convince people that sex is actually bad for you. Only then will they start taxing it (quite how, I'm not sure).

Unless you are Shannon Matthews, of course, in which case get on with it, collect your extra bennies in nine months.

Bill Quango MP said...

It was always on the cards

Tax on Snacks presentation at the Scottish assembly

banned said...

Anyone found in possession of more chocolate, or other sugar based snacks, than they can reasonably demonstate to be for immediate personal consumption will be assumed to be intending to groom vulnerable persons with it so as to abuse them.
Choccy fans = kiddie fiddlers.