Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Friday, March 06, 2009

A Letter to this Morning's Protester

Dear Anonymous Environmental Protester

Firstly, please allow me to offer my heartfelt congratulations for a marvelous act this morning. Your 'gunging' of Lord Mandelson brought a smile to my face, and turned this ordinary Friday into A Good Day.

However, in a spirit of solidarity and comradeship, I do feel honour-bound to offer a small spot of advice for future attempts.

Green custard - yes, I can see the symbolism. But come on - chucking a tin of Birds with a bit of food colouring hardly achieves the potential result, does it? All it does is give the Dark Lord of the Sith a handy snack he can lap up with his forked tongue. Gunge is good, in its place - but this is a protest, not a CBBC game show.

So, please permit me to offer the following suggestions for future dousings:
  • Aqua Regis is a mix of concentrated nitric and hydrochloric acid, and even attacks gold. When applying it to Lord Mandelson, please remember to sing the popular hymn 'What A Friend We Have In Regis';
  • There are many, many versions of homemade napalm available on the internet. When combined with a simple incendiary - even a simple match - many conflagratory chuckles can be achieved;
  • Please do remember, this is not a human being - this is The Dark Lord himself, king of the undead ranks of New Liebore. Consider garlic essence mixed with Holy Water for best results;
  • A simple yet effective flamethrower can be made from a simple aerosol can and a lighter - though I do appreciate that you may wish to avoid the environmental impacts of deodorant propellant;
  • Finally - if the colour is important, perhaps mixing food colouring with weedkiller to create a highly-toxic 'spray paint' might be an option? You get your point across, and we get the desired result.
So all in all, the Dungeekin Judging Panel has awarded you points as follows:

10 for Style: an excellent attempt, brilliantly getting past his guard for a full-face delivery;
6 for Technical Merit: See my helpful points above for methods to increase your future score;
9 for Execution: You'd have got a full 10 if you'd actually executed the slimy bastard.

Well done. Good try, and I look forward to seeing a steady improvement in methods, materials and maiming in future.

Yours respectfully


(h/t Old Holborn for the screengrab)


Henry North London 2.0 said...

Nice Screen shot Im borrowing it


Fidothedog said...

The can flamethrower idea is okay but one needs to be rather close for that to work.

Also a danger of that exploding an killing the person attempting to cleanse the unclean Mandelsnake.

Nalpalm is a far better idea, sticks to the victim and burns. Although I would advise a steak through his black heart to stop him coming back from the grave.

Ampers said...

A friend was visiting and had a good laugh at this, so I sat him down with a nice strong coffee and explained that we weren't joking and that you were very serious.

He immediately got out his credit card and asked how he could join...

So I had to admit, we weren't that serious :-)

Hacked Off said...

I think you'd find it easier bashing a stake through his heart, Fido, although a steak would be interesting and messy.

The Penguin.

Anonymous said...

Unless of course, the steak was frozen and sharpened at one end...

Henry North London 2.0 said...

Steak is beef Stake is wooden stick with pointy end

Sorry to be a pedant but it does matter or I think of cow meat rather than wooden vampire killer

Bishop Brennan said...

I think you'd find it easier bashing a stake through his heart, Fido, although a steak would be interesting and messy.

The Penguin.

Penguin - you are Dexter and I claim my £5.