Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Brown Launches New Debt Initiative

See these Gilts? I'm not gonna charge ya a tenner - not even a fiver! Two quid!

Following the failure of its Gilts Auction yesterday, when the world of finance decided that Britain was unlikely to be able to pay off its debts, the Government has today announced a further fiscal measure to reduce its debt.

Speaking from his Brazilian waxing appointment, Prime Mincer Gordon Brown announced that the Government is to hold a Jumble Sale in his Kirkcaldy constituency next Tuesday.

Mr Brown said, "it is right that we use all available means to revitalise the economy, and as I've run out of ideas and Mervyn says we can't afford the ink to print any more money this is pretty much all I've got left. The Jumble Sale starts at 2pm on Kirkcaldy Village Green, or in the Village Hall if wet".

The announcement has been met with a positive response from Government ministries. The MoD is donating several sets of slightly-used body armour (which will be right as rain once the bloodstains are removed), and it has been reported that Peerages are to be on sale for as little as 50p. It is expected that the sale could reduce the UK's debt - currently estimated at £2 trillion - by as much as £50.

The Prime Mincer called on all the G20 nations to follow his visionary lead and hold similar sales. However, the suggestion was rejected by Czech President Mirek Topolanek, who pointed out that most of the world's economies weren't as utterly buggered as the UK's.

In related news, the International Monetary Fund has now officially downgraded the UK's credit rating to 'Fucked', as it warned in January. Economic Analyst Lotta Cashcountin said, "quite frankly, we wouldn't recommend lending the UK Government a fiver".


Bill Quango MP said...

Utter gold.
A brilliant parody.

As they say.."its funny because its true"

banned said...

How much might we get for the BBC and the NHS if we got rid of the sitting tenants and just sold the stuff and 'goodwill factor' ?

Bishop Brennan said...

I don't think NHS staff have any goodwill, at least not towards patients.

We could try an auction of some leading lefties:

- How much do you think that nice Eastern European man might pay to take Polly off to one of his brothels? 5p? It might appeal to the most masochistic of his clients?!

- The Muppet Show might buy Alistair Darling as a back-up for their Sam the Eagle puppet - they wouldn't even have to attach strings, as Gordon's already done that for them, although he appears to have some problems operating them from overseas...

- Unfortunately, I can't think of any alternate uses for Ed Balls or Jacqui Smith, so I think any attempt to auction them would fail. But Jack Straw is so wooden that someone might be able to use him for firewood.