Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Weather Chaos Cripples Britain

Southern Britain is at a standstill today, with unprecedented heavy snow causing travel chaos.

Up to 5cm of snow fell across southern England, resulting in the complete shutdown of Heathrow, London City and Luton Airports, the suspension of bus services in London and most motorways impassable.

There were scenes of panic across the country, as vital public services collapsed under the Polar conditions. News stations have been carrying rolling coverage of the devastation, and emergency disaster procedures are being implemented to prevent further catastrophe.

Rioting broke out in London's financial district after it was discovered that due to the exceptional climactic conditions, Coffee Republic could not serve customers. There have also been reports of panic-buying in supermarkets, as people rush to prepare for an apocalyptic next few days.

The hellish conditions - the worst snowstorms in eighteen years - are believed to be the first sign of the 'End of Days', as predicted in the Book of Daniel. Many God-botherers are openly praying in the streets, though there is disagreement over whether The Beast will manifest himself in cold conditions.

Prime Mentalist Gordon Brown appealed for calm, saying that he was "getting on with the job of protecting people in these times of troubled weather". He added that the Cabinet were considering a 'snow bailout package', and refused to be drawn on whether he would meet with the Four Horsemen should they arrive in London this week.

More snow is expected in the next week, and BBC weathergirl Carol Kirkwood said, "well, basically, we're screwed. We can expect another 5cm of snow over the next three days, which the Met Office believe will lead to the complete breakdown of society".

The Met Office has released a Severe Hyperbole Warning for forecasts over the next three to five days.


Shelleyftr said...

You are tooooo good! LMAO!

You really hit the nail onthe head with this piece. Love it.

Shelley x

Unknown said...

I blame the EU! No particular reason, it just seems best to.

ShapeThrower said...

Genius ... The "Severe Hyperbole Warning" almost resulted in coffee being spluttered over the keyboard due to chuckling ... Bravo sir .. Bravo :D

Henry North London 2.0 said...

Nice one

Came here from the Devils comments

I have from Russia with Love up at mine

Neal Asher said...

Hah, you beat me to it.

Anonymous said...

I blame the EU as well. When I was a kid snow fell in inches and life just went on. Now it falls in centimetres and paralyses the country. British Rail were right a few years ago when they said they'd had "the wrong kind of snow". This metric snow is dangerous!

banned said...

Kate said...
I blame the EU!

No ! I blame the Credit Crunch, or is it Global Warming, or maybe even the Peedifiles ? ?