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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

EXCLUSIVE!: Apple iTablet Specs Leaked

Jobs: Officially launching iTablet later today.

Documents obtained exclusively by The Diary from Apple's Cupertino HQ, have cast light on the eagerly-awaited new product from the cult-like technology giant.

The tentatively-named iTablet has been Apple's most anticipated offering since the hugely-successful iPhone, and The Diary is exclusively able to offer the first definitive details and specifications of the product, to be officially announced later today.

We can reveal that the iTablet is a newly-designed pill for Apple fans, which will be available from Apple Stores worldwide and from all good pharmacists by Q2.

Containing a unique blend of MDMA, LSD, Ketamine and Jojoba oil, the iTablet has reportedly been personally tested by Apple supremo Steve Jobs. Insertion of the tablet in suppository form is reported to provide a number of positive effects including:
  • Hallucinations of Apple OS X code in full, glorious psychedelic form;
  • The ability to register one's brain with the iTunes Store by the power of thought alone;
  • The recognition of Steve Jobs as a prophet and the architect of a Glorious iFuture;
  • The irresistible desire to buy a black turtleneck. This will be addressed with the release of the iTop later this year;
  • A consistent and irrational belief that Apple's product pronouncements are actually important in the larger scale of the real world.
The iTablet reportedly has the Apple logo on one side of its smooth, industrially-designed shell, and an image of Steve Jobs on the other, thus guaranteeing months of coverage in technical magazines about how amazing, far-thinking and incredibly advanced it is.

Apple's scientists have strongly denied rumours that the iTablet has addictive characteristics, with one member of the development team saying, "this is for marketing to fanboys. Come on, they'd buy a dog-turd from us if it had the Apple logo, it's hard to get any more addicted than they already are."

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Miranda McKennitt said...

You just don't understand how important iT is. Come on, don't be like that, think about the children! Think about the children! We must think about the children! We cannot allow it! Drugs are bad, m'kay?

Brennig said...