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Friday, January 15, 2010

Doctors Warn of Sickness Bug Risk

Nulaborvirus: Large parts of the UK heartily sick of the lot of 'em.

Healthcare bodies have called for people to take extra care following the outbreak of a vomiting illness in London and across the UK.

The bug, called Nulaborvirus, is both long-lasting and extremely debilitating and the strain seems to have become more virulent and widespread than in previous years. Doctors first isolated the virus in 1997 when it was believed that it would only be spread by direct and prolonged contact with Tony Blair. However, since the latter part of 2009 epidemiologists have seen the spread of the disease to the wider nation.

Symptoms of Nulaborvirus include a sharp rise in blood pressure, shortness of finances, severe and uncontrollable nausea at the sight of a Cabinet member and spontaneous urges to vote for someone - anyone - other than the Labour Party.

NHS Direct spokesman Dr Dochta Calcenta said, "while we've seen many instances of Nulaborvirus over the last 13 years, it certainly seems that this year many more people are succumbing. It would now seem that exposure of any duration to the Labour Party is a high risk act, with a large population of the UK already thoroughly sick of them.

"We would advise members of the public to take extra care in these next few months, as the risk of exposure increases due to electoral factors. It is best to avert your eyes from any billboards which may contain Nulaborvirus spores, and take additional precautions including turning off your TV whenever Gordon Brown is on".

Dr Calcenta added, "We would also suggest setting fire to any Labour Party canvassers who knock on your door - while this may not reduce your risk of exposure to Nulaborvirus, we can guarantee it will be both satisfying and good for your mental health and eardrums".

However, Dr Calcenta said that while he expected instances of Nulaborvirus to continue to rise through the Spring, he was confident that the bug would be completely eradicated for at least a generation by early May.

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