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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Cadbury Staff in Strike Ballot

Cadbury spokesmen: "Kraft Board is staffed by Vermicious Knids"

Staff at Cadbury's Bournville plant have announced that they are to ballot for industrial action, following the company's takeover by US plastic-food giant Kraft.

The row has broken out in response to comments by Kraft Chief Executive, I C H Cheezeburger, that job losses were likely as a result of the £11bn buyout plan. Rumours that future Cadbury products will be put together by pieceworkers in Nike's Vietnam factory, using the same staff and the same ingredients as Nike's trainers, remain unconfirmed - though having tasted American chocolate, The Diary is pretty convinced this is already happening.

Cadbury's Staff Association spokesman O Loompa said, "this is a very worrying time for the staff here at Bournville. We need guarantees of job security and that the teams currently maintaining the chocolate waterfall, the Wonkavator and the WonkaWash will not not be placed at risk or outsourced". Mr Loompa also added:

"Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-doo
I have a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee
What is the future of Cadbury?
What do you get when a maker of sweets,
Is bought by a firm that strips assets and cheats?
We'll all be sacked at the drop of a hat,
What do you think will come of that?

I don't like the look of it

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-da
Say farewell to your Dairy Milk bar,
This should make you unhappy too,
Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do!"

Prime Minister Gollum Brown said yesterday that the Government would act to ensure Cadbury's 6000 UK-based Oompa-Loompas were not sacrificed as Kraft seeks a return on its investment. However, the Cadbury's staff responded by saying, "Gollum's backed us? Better check the jobs page, then. We're screwed".

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