Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

BREAKING: Government Requisitions Table Salt

Government spreading grit: different, though rhyming with, what they usually spread.

The Government has issued a Requisition Order in a further attempt to deal with the traffic chaos caused by the reported lack of grit supplied to councils, and are requisitioning all household salt supplies with immediate effect.

The announcement was made by the Government's Salt Cell, which is responsible for the handling of UK grit supplies as the cold snap continues, and comes in the wake of travel disruption caused after the committee forced all councils to cut their grit use by a further 50% in a vain effort to preserve supplies. However, the Government denied that there are grit supply issues, pointing to 'significant prior investment' in ensuring that grit levels were higher than ever before.

Under the emergency powers granted by the Order, all householders are required to empty their houses and cruets of domestic salt and deliver it to specially-placed bins at Council offices throughout the country. Council inspectors will be granted new powers to enter homes to search for stockpiles of salt. From 1200 today, members of the public stockpiling salt or salt derivatives including, but not limited to, garlic salt, celery salt or dishwasher salt will be liable to prosecution. The use of salt in cooking is now a criminal offence subject to punishments up to and including summary execution.

All consumer and table-grade salt will be subject to a 50% enhanced tax rate on purchase, to dissuade the public from buying stocks already in supermarkets which could be diverted to the roads. The Government has also announced legislation for a Road Salt Levy, paid as an additional 1% on National Insurance contributions.

Minister for Sodium Chloride Lord Fondlebum of Fey said, "this is a short-term measure to ensure that we can continue our eleventy-million quarters of unprecedented growth in the supply of grit to the roads. Of course, local residents may be claiming that there is travel chaos, and that roads are ungritted, but our research indicates that this is all the fault of the Tories and that actually British roads now have more grit per square metre than they did in the previous Recession under a Conservative government. We are making it a Manifesto aspiration to remove the Road Salt Levy at some point in the duration of the next three Parliaments if we can't think of a new name for it."

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Anonymous said...

Unfortunately there isn't enough table salt to go round since the government decreed we are only alllowed to consume just 6g per day.

Roger said...

The real reason they want all the salt is so that they have sufficient to rub into all our wounds, that they have inflicted, before they disappear for ever up their own fundemental priniciples.

banned said...

Taxing salt! What would Ghandi have had to say?
They won't get much joy out of my local supermarkets, since last Wednesday they have used their stocks of table salt to keep their own car-parks clear, quite right too.