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Monday, December 14, 2009

Simon Cowell to be Nationalised

McElderry: Voice of an angel, teeth of a Grand National winner.

The Treasury Select Committee has called for the immediate nationalisation of Simon Cowell, after studies indicated that he now owns almost 97% of the UK's money.

Chancellor Alistair Darling, attempting to regain the initiative after a less-than-positive reaction to last week's Pre-Budget Report, welcomed the recommendation, saying it was a necessary initiative to reduce the national Debt and increase available funds for frontline services.

A Committee spokesman said, "our research indicates that Simon Cowell's stable of programmes including X-Factor, Xtra-Factor, Britain's Got Talent, Britain's Got More Talent and the upcoming 'Britain's Got No Talent Left But Simon Still Wants The Prime-Time Saturday Slot', Mr Cowell has total dominance over the segment of the market known as banality TV. With 20 million viewers, over 10 million phone votes last Saturday alone and the advertising revenue, Simon Cowell has generated enough revenue to run the entire NHS for a year.

"We have also calculated that with his chart success including the current No. 1 album, several other artists in the album chart, numerous other No. 1s and the guarantee that the Geordie sprog with Shergar's teeth is going to get the Christmas No. 1, Simon Cowell now holds 96.78% of Britain's cash. It is therefore right that he be nationalised with immediate effect, and his net worth used to reduce the current net deficit".

Mr Darling refused to be drawn on whether the new nationalised Simon Cowell would be forced to change his name to British Leyland, and declined to comment on whether Ant & Dec would also be subsumed into the new organisation.

A spokesman for Simon Cowell said that he strongly resented the planned nationalisation, and that his lawyers were looking into a hostile takeover of the UK Government in response.

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