Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Professional Resume....

You'd think they'd have learned by now.

So the boss tells us, "we need a Professional Resume' from all of you, that we can show to potential clients as a sales tool. We need it quickly. Double away smartly, and write something that sells yourself".


They got this . . .

Professional Resume: Dun Geekin
Job Title: Godlike Being
Grade: Not for the eyes of Mortals
Discipline: Very Little

As the man who put the 'berk' into BSD, the core into Apple and the boot into Bill Gates, Dun Geekin is truly one of the leading lights of the IT world, without whom many of the technological advances we take for granted today would not have been possible.

Dun's IT career was forged in primary school, when a spelling mistake in his handwriting class led to his groundbreaking postulation on semiconductor density, later appropriated by Gordon Moore.

However, it was his postgraduate work on inter-site communications that really caught the imagination. While on a work-experience to CERN, Dun worked closely with Tim Berners-Lee, and assisted in the invention of what we now call the Internet. It was Dun Geekin who suggested the word 'wide' be added to Berners-Lee's 'World Web', and he was also responsible for the design and implementation of the standard 'URL' format used to this day. Apart from the stupid forward-slashes.

Dun's insights and stellar contributions have continued to this day. As a contributing designer to both Facebook and Twitter (though preferring to remain anonymous), his work on social networking has created a world of interconnected nerds on a scale never before envisaged, and has been personally responsible for a global productivity downturn of over 20%.

Of course, his work in designing the software interface for the Apple iPhone cannot be underestimated, though he prefers to leave the publicity side to his friend Steve.

As well as his day-to-day role within $WEDOSTUFF, Dun holds Board memberships of Apple, Microsoft, Cisco (for whom he created the 'We Need A Guru' advertising campaign), and is a contributing physicist to CERN's LHC Project.

Dun holds the honorary position of Turing Professor of Trolling Ethics at Cambridge University, and is a Life Fellow of the Royal Society of Sarcastic Buggers.

We at $WEDOSTUFF are proud and honoured to have this legendary man - truly a God of the IT community - deigning to grace our pathetic existences on a daily basis.

Domain experience

IT Support and Delivery
Dun does not need to support IT. His understanding of the complexities of the computer system are so deep, so profound, so intuitive, that machines simply work in his presence out of respect and admiration.

Dun can communicate in binary with all forms of IT hardware. Additionally – and as was successfully argued in a recent unfortunate court matter – by the insertion of certain parts of his anatomy into a computer case can resolve previously irreparable hardware defects.

It is believed that a single touch from Dun’s hands can cure spyware.

IT Consultancy

Principal consultant to NASA for the Space Shuttle ‘Challenger’ Imperial/Metric Conversion Project.
Specified, designed and wrote the Alpha release of the ‘Matrix’ project to enslave Humankind. You’re currently living in his Beta release.
Designed and wrote the first Microsoft Operating System. You know, the stable one.
Consultant Helix Designer to Watson and Crick on the DNA Project.
Voice Actor for the role of Stephen Hawking’s Chair.
Involved as Lead Analyst on Penzias & Wilson’s discovery of ‘Big Bang’ radiation.
Single-handedly defeated the Y2K Bug in hand-to-hand combat.

Core technical skills

Languages & Databases:
No programming languages are required – Dun communicates directly with the system CPU, in Binary, using only blinks of his eyelids.

Tools are for lower lifeforms. Dun needs no tools, only the power of his planet-sized brain.

Techniques & Methods:
A unique form of Neuro-Linguistic Programming designed to produce exemplary OS-independent results. This is combined with weapons-grade sarcasm, which can reduce any IT equipment to a smoking pile of component parts from 100 metres.

Education and Training

PhD in Applied Vitriol, St Bastard’s College Oxford
MSc in Looking Busy When The Boss Is Nearby, University of Greenwich Business School
BSc in Computer Science, Diplomas ‘R’ Us, online.
10m Swimming Certificate

Fluent in English, Yiddish and Rubbish.
Able to converse at a reasonable level in Management.
Currently studying Canine.

Recent projects

Technical Lead: User / Mailbox migration
The client was a user, who wanted his mailbox migrated. Dun printed out all the user’s emails and tied them to a goose, which then flew South for the winter. Job done.
Technical Lead: Exchange Messaging system
A more reliable method of exchanging messages was specified for a site containing over 200 users. This involved significant research investment and hardware cost, including fully 200 baked-bean tins and almost a kilometre of string in a ‘hub and spoke’ formation, facilitating rapid communication (with admittedly the odd crossed line).
Technical Lead: Enterprise Data Storage
The Starship NCC1701 was desperately short of hard-drive space. Dun beamed on board, providing them with a total of three 1TB USB drives.
Technical Lead: Enterprise Backup
Don’t be silly. Giving a Starship a reverse gear is a job for a mechanic, not a techie. Ye cannae change the laws of Physics, Jim.
Technical Lead: Server Consolidation
The particular client had over 60 servers within their head-office and other sites as opposed to a dedicated Data Centre. The aim of the project was to emphasise the high-risk nature of the client’s current infrastructure, thus promoting the concept of datacentre hosting. After ensuring that the client had full backups taken, burning their building down provided a clear and detailed example of the need for an off-site hosted infrastructure.

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Rasmus said...

With that CV you must be inline for the next vacant position in the No 10 bunker.

Do not take it.

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