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Monday, December 07, 2009

New UK Bank Opens Doors

Mattress Bank - 'Sleep Sound, Your Money's Safe'

A new bank has opened its doors to customers today, claiming to offer the safest invesment currently available in the UK economy.

Mattress Bank, which is the only remaining non-nationalised British banking institution, is offering investors the chance to put their money in a place where the Government cannot reach it and where it will be safe in the likely event of total economic collapse.

CEO of Mattress Bank, Mr F Goodwin, said, "in the current economic climate, we know that savers are putting their money where they feel it safest - quite literally, they're stuffing their mattresses with £50 notes. Mattress Bank offers investors that same sense of safety, but adds choice and glamour to the process as well as providing additional levels of security.

"For example, our standard account will stuff your money into an Ikea foam mattress. However, for an account management fee of £300 per year, we will upgrade you to a 'Silentnight Pocket-Sprung Account'. All our mattresses are safe, secure and regularly treated for cash-eating bedbugs. And we guarantee to shoot Alistair Darling in the face if he tries to enter our premises."

Mr Goodwin added that Mattress Bank's accounts were totally secure, explaining, "all our mattresses come with high-level security measures, including mattress protectors. And our Silentnight Pocket-Sprung Account will offer savers the additional peace of mind of a fat bloke lying on their money 24 hours a day, seven days a week".

The Chancellor, Alistair Darling, said that he welcomed the introduction of further competition in the Banking sector, but added that he was planning to introduce a windfall tax on bedding in the upcoming PBR.

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1 comment:

Fidothedog said...

Best bank around, you know its not going to be stolen by a one eyed Scot's robber and his accomplice a chap with a strange badger like face.

Also if you run out of cash no one charges you 35 quid.