Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Climate Change - A Solution

So the numbers are in*, and they don't make for pretty reading.

I'll ignore the enormous monetary cost of the Copenhagen Circle-Jerk for the time being - instead, let's just focus on a couple of the other numbers.

15,000 policy wonks, 'global leaDUHs', greenlebrities and assorted other fellaters, fawners and general sycophants. A further 45,000 greenies spouting their noxious emissions about Gaea into our poor, long-suffering atmosphere. 41,000 tons of CO2 just to transport the delegates to Copenhagen (so one can assume that unless all the campaigners walked or rode their ethically-sourced vegan bicycles to Denmark, three TIMES that for their right to protest).

So that's 164,000 tons of CO2 (approximately) just in transport for this conference.

Hmmm. It would seem that the right-on brigade haven't fully grasped the concept of, say, videoconferencing. Or, for that matter, carbon footprints or emissions control**.

But they say the conference must happen, lest we all suffocate in a carbon dioxide smog, eating household pets because the foodchain's collapsed and engaging in armed conflict over the few remaining sources of potable water. And it'll be all our own fault***.

It must happen, they say. We must have lengthy, caviar-subsisted negotiations at which absurdly-privileged and wealthy people will wring their hands at the depredations we've wreaked upon our planet. We must have endless press conferences from our leaders and from those campaigners and scientists whose ongoing lifestyles depend on our fear of the Climate Change bogeyman. We must, they cry as one from the bottom of their taxpayer-subsidised hearts, do something.

Well, as is so often the case, I have a small suggestion. A solution, if you will.

Carbon Footprint tell us (in a remarkably non-preachy manner****) that the planting of trees is a really good way to offset one's carbon footprint. Apparently, one tree absorbs approximately 1 tonne of CO2 in an average hundred-year lifespan.

THe average weight of a human male is approximately 80kg. To allow for females, it's a bit lower than that so let's say 65kg overall average.

Now, my studies tell me you shouldn't over-fertilise a tree when planting, so I reckon if we estimate 1kg of fertiliser per tree, that should be plenty.

So. 60,000 delegates and wonks, times 65kg = 3.9m kilograms of prime fertiliser. Or, to put it another way, 3.9 million trees. Or, to put it in yet another way that the greenies will understand, if we killed and minced up every single one of the attendees, whether protester, politician or policy adviser, and used them as mulch for new trees, there'd be 3.9 million tons of CO2 absorbed. And trees are much nicer to look at that your average unwashed climate protester.

And they can't complain, coz we're saving the planet and everything, which is what they want, isn't it?

I reckon if we also auctioned off the opportunity to run Gordon Brown, David (and Ed) Millipede and anyone who's used the term 'climate denier' in the last few weeks through a wood-chipper, we'd raise enough cash to make a dent in world poverty as well. Which would please Bono*****.

There you go. A solution to climate change, peace and quiet for those of us who are normal, and world poverty sorted, all by the voice of common sense. Me.

I commend the idea to the House.

*h/t to Wat Tyler at BOM for reading the Daily Fail so I don't have to.

**Though a brief perusal of the £6m-plus cost and the perks of attending shows that the delegates have fully grasped the concept of 'freeloading'.

***Probably. Actually, make that possibly - no, make it perhaps, as even the most sandal-bound of climate scientists actually has to admit that we - and I quote -
know with certainty that we know fuck-all.

****I only looked at the one page, though. I didn't want to look further, as I don't know whether Green is contagious - a sort of syphilis. It seems to have similar effects on mental capacity.

*****At least, it would please the hypocritical twat until I ran him through the wood-chipper too.

Stumble Upon Toolbar


Dippyness. said...

But you are missing the entire point of all this...The opportunity for certain political leaders to grandstand.
They love it & who are we mere mortals to stop them?
Sadly, this is becoming a fiasco. I agree with you. Waste of time & money. They'll achieve their 5 mins of fame & we pick up the tab!

Brennig said...

It appears that once again we are two heads but with a single brain. lolz.

I know the lolz devalued the other words but what can I say, I have a massive sense of irony. :-)

Anonymous said...


what an ignorant fuckwit you are

I bet you browbeat people you know with your 'opinions' all day long

they don't like you, you know...

Colin said...

Magic! Brilliantly funny!

manwiddicombe said...

Question: Is 'anonymous' a synonym for humourless twat?

Just curious.

Anonymous said...

" allow for females, it's a bit lower than that so let's say 65kg overall average."

Dungeekin, I don't know about where you live, but you really need to factor in the "land whale" effect and I'd say that that average of 65kg is nearer 85kg

Anonymous said...

Captainff, I think it means "humourless twat with absolutely no grasp of satire" - probably an ecoloon.

Anonymous said...

Superb Dungeekin,

I have personally demanded that I be put under a tree so that I can do my bit in my decayage.

Mind you, there is a healthy queue of people who have offered to put me there too!



Unknown said...

those campaigners when travelling probably did exactly what you're talking about - offset their carbon footprint caused by travelling through websites such as this -