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Friday, December 04, 2009

Balls Announces Further Education Investment

Ed: Ballsing up your children's education since 2007.

The Department for Yoof, Edyucayshun and Famblies has today announced a £900 million investment plan to create 'world-class Primary schools'.

The announcement, which was first made by Brainwashing Minister Blinky Ballsup on Twitter, is designed to counter an apparent slowing of improvements in the education system.

Mr Ballsup said, “In the last decade we have seen a transformation in primary standards. Many schools have been turned around against the odds by a relentless removal of focus on the 3R's through the National Strategies, schemes like Every Child a Labour Voter and better central control of the curriculum.

"But we must maintain our focus to make sure that every child is given the New Labour start in life. Every parent wants to their child to go to a good school where they can reach their full potential. We know that primary education is vital in setting children up for success later in life and I will not stand by while any child gets the chance to learn how to read, write or think for themselves under a Labour education system".

Mr Ballsup added that the additional £900m investment would guarantee that every child, on leaving Primary school, is fully able to educate their parents on their human rights. It will also provide a better History curriculum so primary schoolchildren can fully appreciate the Wonderful Achievements of Their Socialist Leaders, and be used for additional Pavlovian Method training ensuring that five-year-olds know how to spit on the ground whenever they hear the word 'Thatcher'.

A spokesman for the DYEF said that the term 'world-class' meant that British parents could expect their children to have a primary education on a par with that of a Zimbabwean five-year-old by 2020.

The spokesman added, "the £900m, which will be paid for from . . . er . . . by taxing . . er . . well, we'll find something or print the cash, let's not worry about the details . . will be split across several investments including £899,999,950 towards changes in the Ofsted Inspection process to change the worst grade to 'Wonderful', thus ensuring no school ever gets a less than satisfactory rating ever again, and £50 towards increasing standards in Reading, Writing and Numeracy".

The Diary approached some primary schoolchildren to gain their opinions on the new investment, but they were too dumbed-down to offer a comment.

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