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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Government Call for Action on Home Drinking

Government: well over the recommended limit when they thought up their latest wheeze.

The Government has called for radical action to be taken over the 'worrying' trend of people to pour larger measures of spirits than those approved by Government watchdogs.

In research commissioned by Government body 'Know The Limits We Tell You, You Worthless Prole, Or We'll Have You Arrested', it was found that those drinking at home poured average measures of 38ml, against a recommended maximum of 25ml. The watchdog expressed concern that this 'irresponsible behaviour' could potentially lead to an increased risk of cancer, diabetes, heart disease, erectile dysfunction, paedophilia, having an enjoyable time or voting Conservative.

KTLWTYYWPOWHYA spokesperson Joy Less said, "this is an extremely worrying trend. We are deeply concerned at the indications that the Proles aren't doing what we tell them to do, and at the risk they're putting themselves at. With the New Year parties happening tonight, pouring larger-than-mandated measures places people at a vastly increased risk of pulling a fat munter, with the attendant psychological problems this would cause."

Health Secretary Andy Burnham welcomed the report, saying, "as a result of this, and given the risks it poses, we are intending to introduce an immediate ban on the sale of alcohol to those intending to drink at home. This will be supported by the introduction of an 'alcohol ration card', linked to the biometric ID card, which will need to be produced at any and all places serving Government-sanctioned measures of alcohol and which will ensure that it is not possible for anyone to exceed their mandated 21 units of alcohol per week".

However, the proposed legislation was not supported by opposition groups. Conservative leader Forehead Cameron rejected the suggestion, and said, "quite frankly, the Government themselves must have been pissed when they came up with this idea. I think people should have the right to choose, in their own homes, whether or not they pour themselves a bloody large one. In fact, I would suggest the complete removal of the millilitres system for alcohol, and return to the old measures system of 'fingers'. In fact, I will be pouring myself two fingers of Scotch in response to this proposed measure".

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