Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Nostradungeekin's 2010 Predictions

As the end of both year and decade approaches apace, it's time to look at the evidence of what's gone before and make some predictions about what 2010 holds for us here in Britain.

As I am a bit of a Nostradungeekin, here are my prophecies and predictions for the next year. I'm sure they'll all come true.


  • In the runup to the General Election, Gordon Brown will be the target of a leadership challenge fronted by Frank Field. Brown will lock himself into his bunker, and a combined team of SAS and Broadmoor staff will assault No. 10 and take him into protective custody - to protect the country.
  • Led by new Leader Tom Harris and by dint of artifice, skullduggery and some carefully-faked photos of David Cameron in flagrante with Ann Widdicombe, the Labour Party will win the next General Election with an increased majority.
  • In the weeks before Parliament is dissolved for the election, David Cameron will finally lose patience with the Prime Minister in PMQs and launch a four-letter tirade before leaping across the Dispatch Box and attempting to strangle Brown with David Millipede.
  • Nick Clegg will claim a massive victory for the Liberal Democrats after the election, after exit polls will indicate that almost 5% of the British electorate had actually heard of him.
  • Osama Bin Laden will stand as an Independent candidate against Defence Secretary Bob Ainsworth in Coventry North-East, campaigning on an anti-war platform.
  • Speaker John Bercow will stand down, having accepted a six-figure Hollywood deal to play a Smurf.
  • The SNP's Alec Salmond will finally lose his mind and attempt physical devolution for Scotland by chiselling, by hand, through the Earth's crust just north of Gretna.
  • The complete collapse of the UK economy, leading to the potato becoming the primary form of currency, will lead to Britain being expelled from the EU, the Commonwealth, the G7 and the G20. Bono announces a charity concert in aid of starving British children, prompting a flood of emigrations and the UN to announce a humanitarian crisis.
  • The UK will be plunged into a constitutional crisis following the death of Her Majesty the Queen in a freak halibut incident, and the announcement that Prince William is to undergo gender reassignment surgery.
  • US President Barack Obama will actually DO something, prompting celebrations and a slew of awards including the first-ever second Consecutive Nobel Peace prize.
  • Iranian President Mahmoud CanIdoaJihadyet will be stoned to death on live TV, after referring to a ceremonial dinner he'd just eaten as 'good enough for Allah'.
  • The effects of Climate Change will become more pronounced across the globe. Polar bears are seen hunting on glaciers in Texas, Australia is submerged under three feet of water and Alaska becomes the latest sunshine holiday destination. The effects are felt in the UK, where London suffers fourteen hours of continuous drizzle and temperatures rise to 54 Degrees F.
  • Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty will be appointed UN Ambassador to Afghanistan, after research indicates he's one of their biggest customers.
  • After delivering a particularly scathing review on 'Britain's Got Talent', Simon Cowell will be brutally attacked by a disgruntled contestant. It takes a crack team of proctologists several hours to surgically remove both And and Dec from Mr Cowell.
  • Michael Schumacher will have an unsuccessful return to Formula One, after other drivers complain about his tendency to drive everywhere at 32mph with his foglight on and his indicators going.

Stumble Upon Toolbar


Anonymous said...

You have missed out the most important prediction for 2010, and for the next 20 years. The rise of a new breed of superhero, Meet the Johnsons! Crikey, Boris! He gives and he gives. And then he gives some more. He is a light in our darkness, farther above us than the Moon. Our hope for years to come. without sin. A god among men...... the least you could do is check out all the websites praising his name.....

Tom Harris said...

I'm unhappy that you've blown the gaffe on my imminent power-grab...

However, the pedant in me couldn't resist pointing out that this decade still has more than a year to run. Sorry.

banned said...

You cleverly fail to mention Count Mandelson, Lord of Darkness, who is spending the Happy Holidays plotting a Coup d'Etat from his new power base in the House Of Lords from where he will launch a dictatorship based on the abolition of the widely discredited troughligate House of Commons.
At this point his ally, Cafe Ashtray, will use her position as EU Foreign Affairs Plenipotentiary to declare David Camerons Conservatives and Scotland illegal.

You mark my words.