Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Life to be Banned with Immediate Effect

Hot on the heels of the recent announcement that tobacco is to become an under-the-counter commodity, and the condemnation of 'Lads mags', campaigners are celebrating the news that all products harmful to life are to be banned by the Government.

All foodstuffs are to be removed from shelves and will only be available under the counter, following revelations that salt can cause high blood pressure and sugar may have devastating impacts on teeth. Street sellers, of course, are already subject to bans and searches for promoting an unhealthy lifestyle.

Pregnancy magazines are to be withdrawn amid fears they may promote underage sexual activity, and 'lifestyle magazines' promoting cars or sports are also facing the axe as children may be encouraged to engage in hazardous activities like running, jumping or having fun outside.

Hilary Dour, from the pressure group 'Action Against Anything At All' said, "we welcome the Government's action on the harmful nature of life. The terrifying truth is, you have a 100% chance of contracting death when you engage in life. This statistic is horrifying and unacceptable, and cannot be allowed to continue. Won't someone please think of the children?"

Mizz Dour said there was no truth in the suggestion that if you ban something or reduce its public availability, it's just likely to become more popular with kids because its perceived naughtiness will be increased.

She added, "We will continue our campaign until all products and activities which could potentially be harmful are removed from children. Our next publicity drive is to ban air, because it contains potentially poisonous carbon dioxide!", at which point some nice gentlemen came to take her to a warm padded room while she railed wildly against the toxicity of Life.

A Government spokesman denied that there was a Home Office plan to fight back against the dangerous fatality of Life by banning it completely.


Anonymous said...

What i enjoy the most about the ban on life is that i can now feel safe knowing that i'm not going to die living. I'm going to dead already. Inside. And that is excellent. You can't lose out on something that doesn't exist. Whoop. Bring on the life ban!

To be honest @dungeekin, it's scary how things are suddenly changing. With activities that are seen to provide illicit activities why not be a little more traditional? Why not use education? Afterall, the difference between an adult and a child is that a child is seen too young to take accountability of their actions due to experience and education (and lack of at that age). An adult should be accountable and will be held accountable and take responsibility if there was time being spent on correcting the troubles with life as a priority. Like, harsher sentences for paedophiles, child killers and burglars. Taking stupidity away by not allowing criminals to sue against their victims.

If the government focused on the adults that do harm, educate the young correctly on their future and allowed people to lead their lives with wisdom and education as a guide, then they can stop this satirical and pathetic attempt to treat accountable adults like children!

Hedgewytch said...

Thank you

Benjie said...

Awesome post, made me laugh. :) I particularly like the AAAAA!

kathryn said...

I think this is a serious issue indeed and can't believe that bloggers haven't been been banned from causing laughter and encouraging thought - surely that can't be good for you either!

Bob's Head Revisited said...

I like that.

Sim-O said...

I'll bet Hilary Dours' next line would've been if it save just one person if she hadn't of been carted off.

Good post :-)

Bill Quango MP said...

Good Morning.
Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium.
Ah, thank you my good man.
What can I do for you, sir?
I want to buy some cheese.
Can't sell you cheese sir..its against the law.
The law?
Yessir. Why even showing you an image of a piece of Liptauer would get me shut down.
but you are a cheese shop?
Yessir. we just can't show, display an image of or sell cheese.
we are more of a virtual cheese shop. in that we have virtually no cheese. Can let you have some lentils if you like sir?

(Shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.