Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Tis The Season To Be Careful

Public service announcement from the Government, with the kind assistance of the Bethlehem Branch of RoSPA.

Christmas is a time for celebration and joy - but it can also be a time of injury, peril and sadness. With hospital A&E units likely to be struggling with 'flu victims, premature virgin births and mistakenly-battered second-born male children, it's important that everyone takes some basic precautions to make this Yuletide both a happy and safe time.

We understand that a donkey is an essential part of your travel arrangements. However, please do be careful when mounting, dismounting and moving on your little donkey, as it is possible to slip and fall. You should also remember that donkeys can carry fleas, and pregnant women should take particular care as a result. Please also consider that your little donkey, on a dusty road, will kick up the dust and this may cause breathing problems.

Inns are, actually, not much of an issue as they're likely to already be full, however please take care and avoid the passive inhalation risks from any smokers outside.

Stables are a high-risk area, with the presence of animals. These may bite, which can result in infections and unwanted amputations as a result. There is also a likelihood of animal faeces, which is a serious hazard to health. RoSPA (Bethlehem Branch) would seriously advise all mothers of the Son Of God not to deliver their offspring in such a dangerous environment - this would be grounds for Social Services involvement.

Hay is not a suitable bedding material for a child. It may scratch delicate skin, or give off dust which can cause breathing difficulties. Additionally, dry hay is a severe fire hazard. Hay is therefore banned throughout Bethlehem for Health & Safety reasons.

At this wonderful time of the year, we may expect to see an unusually bright star in the skies overhead. However, a bright star suddenly appearing in the firmament may indicate a meteorite hitting the atmosphere, with devastating potential results for life as we know it. Additionally, bright lights can damage your eyesight, so please always wear eye protection when viewing any unexpected new stellar phenomena.

When giving gifts to the King of Kings, please ensure that you choose appropriately. Gold is heavy, and you should take lifting precautions when handling it to avoid lower back injuries. Frankincense and Myrrh are completely inappropriate for children - frankincense, has to be burned, which is a fire hazard (see 'HAY' above) and, additionally, the smoke may cause breathing difficulties. Myrrh, used as an anointing oil, may cause skin reactions and should therefore not be given. Consider instead something simple in organic cotton.

Any unsolicited guests to meet the Baby Jesus should not be permitted until they have completed an extended CRB check. Allowing unreferenced adults access to your Son of God could result in your case being referred to Social Services and may impact on your benefits.

Unlicensed singing by the Herald Angels is not permitted. Additionally, the noise levels achieved by the Heavenly Host may cause hearing damage. The Herald Angels are currently subject to an ASBO banning their performance in the Bethlehem area - should they manifest in your location you are advised to contact your local Police.

Most importantly - have fun! Once you've made your house safe, ensuring that the above points are considered and there is no tree, no baubles, no tinsel, no lights, nothing hot and no alcohol, please do enjoy your low-sodium Christmas dinner and have a wonderful Yule.


Nanny Government and RoSPA (Bethlehem Branch)


Ampers said...

That has given me a good laugh... have printed it out - but left the link to your blog in of course.

Billy Wallace said...

Made me laugh too........

Anonymous said...

I find it very disappointing that you provide no admonishment for people travelling by donkey or ass given the clear and present danger of excessive CO2 output from these creatures.

Clearly ROspA (Bethlehem Branch) requires re-training root and branch and I will be making representations to the Roman Authorities, namely Governor Brown and Emperor Barrosa to ensure that this evident undersight is corrected forthwith.


Barry O'Bama
Comptroller of Money-Lenders

Anonymous said...

It is remiss of you not to warn the so-called holy couple of the dangers inherent in their likely future behaviour.
Travelling to Egypt as illegal migrants without the correct paperwork could be construed as child kidnap with all the consequences that might involve.
It will be no good claiming to be escaping an 'alleged' serial slayer of the first born as the Official Inquiry into that case has yet to be concluded.

Further, you failed to report that 'Joseph', not being the father of the boy Jesus, will be required to have an Enhanced CRB check and that he should be removed from the familial environment until that is issued rather than risk " Inappropriate Behaviour".