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Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Utter Pollacks: Fish to be Renamed

A common fishing catch. Note the inflated Pufferfish - soon to be renamed 'Prescott'.

Following the revelation from Sainsbury's that Pollack is to be renamed 'Colin' as people were embarrassed to ask for it at the fish counter, further seafood products are to be renamed following complaints from various consumer groups.

Sainsbury's Customer Embarrassment Manager Red Blushfaced said, "clearly if customers or consumer groups are having problems with the current name of a fish, or asking for it for any other reason, then we need to act to resolve that problem. We are therefore making a number of name changes to well-known sea fish, and are in negotiations with the other major supermarkets to make these changes permanent".

Under Sainsbury's proposed name changes, the following fish and seafood would be renamed:

To be renamed following complaints from the Benedictine Order. Sainsbury's Marketing team have taken the physical characteristics of the fish into account, especially the width of its mouth, and have renamed it 'Cherie'.

Rebranded in an attempt to lose their 'aphrodisiac' image. Sainsbury's noted that they're slimy and can very easily make you sick. Oysters will in future be called 'Mandelsons'.

While a useful and quite tasty fish, few people have heard of it and Gurnard is frequently ignored by shoppers. Gurnard is therefore to be rebranded as 'Clegg'.

Sea Bream
A tasty fish, but often disregarded due to its flashy appearance and fat lips. Bream will in future be called 'Jamie'.

Dover Sole
Reportedly the finest of British fish. However it's extremely expensive, all at sea, and frequently flaps its fins around to little overall effect. Sole will henceforth be renamed 'Gordon'.


Anonymous said...

Watch sales of the "Colin" plummet in Sheffield*

*Colin is the nickname for Neil Warnock - it's an anagram.

Tugger said...

You missed the Flounder being renamed to Mr. Timney.

Tugger said...

Sorry, should be Mrs. Timney (slaps wrist).