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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Jack Tweed to Remarry

The newly-groomed Groom, preparing to become a prison wife.

Jade Goody's widower Jack Tweed is to remarry following a whirlwind romance, we can exclusively reveal.

Tweed, 21, was jailed yesterday for 12 weeks following his conviction for a brutal assault on a cab driver. However, in a statement released through publicist Max Cash, Tweed has revealed that he has found a new love since the death of Jade Goody, whom he married just prior to her tragic and brave death.

Mr Cash said, "Jack has sought love to overcome his grief at the loss of Jade, and while in remand has had a whirlwind courtship with his new love, his cellmate armed robber 'Reamer' McGee on C Block. They are due to be married in a private ceremony in the prison shower rooms within the next week, and McGee has promised to make sure Jack gets a nice big ring out of it".

The report was confirmed by the editor of 'Yay!' magazine, Sleb Starfucker, who said that they would be providing exclusive photo coverage of the wedding and 'Reamer' McGee's subsequent consummation of the marriage. However, he denied that Tweed is to be paid millions, adding, "it's going to be a cheap exclusive for 'Yay!' Magazine - Jack's sold us the rights for a tube of KY and some Dunlopillo".


@ijeanes said...

Excellent. You can probably guess my favourite quote but generally i love the way you've almost vomited sarcasm here.

Barnsley Bill said...

wv= Gaping

Catosays said...

Every superlative I can think of.. Will excellent do?

Obnoxio The Clown said...

I guess he must be feeling pretty bummed out.

Bishop Brennan said...

Fantastic stuff!

I wish his new partner the best - where can we send wedding gifts (e.g. a box of viagra to lengthen the experience... :-)?

banned said...

Assistant Governor Mervyn Potts denied claims of a weekend home leave at the London Waldorf for the happy couple but conceded that a private tent had been set up in the Governors Garden for their excluve use. He added that Gardening Duties by juvenile inmates from neighbouring HMYOI Mayhem had been suspended following 'advice'.

Anonymous said...

Oooh you are awful. But I do like you.

Hacked Off said...


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