Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Saviour Of Labour

Extract from "God's On A Mission From Me: The Memoirs of Tony Bliar"
Available from all good bookshops, £15,999.99

Chapter 766: The Resurrection

1. And Lo, it did come to pass that in the last days of Labour, The Tone did arise again. And he did forsake the fees of book tours, and put himself among the Party Faithful, for to offer succour in their time of darkness. And orange was the Hue of The Tone, for he had spent much time on the beaches of the Middle East in his Tonely mission of peace bringing and personal enrichment.

2. And the Party Faithful cried out, saying Lo, The Tone has come among us in our time of darkness, to lead us unto slightly less of a kicking in the polls. 3. And the Party Faithful cried out unto The Tone, saying, O Lord Tone of Three Terms, why didst thou leave us with the wonky-jawed fuckwit and political decimation, to be cast unto the Wilderness?

4. And The Tone bade them calm, and spake unto them in the way of The Tone, saying 5. Be still your hearts, Party Faithful, for I am come among you in sure and certain hope of a political resurrection, and to bring hope and joy unto thee that my expenses will be covered by the Unions. 6. And The Tone did speak unto the Party Faithful again, saying, I know he's a bit of a dickhead, but you didst have the choice to retain thy loyalty but thou chosest the wonky-jawed fuckwit in my stead, yet thou chosest to permit the wonky-jawed fuckwit and his minions of doom to stab me, Thy Tone, in the back. 7. Yet I come among thee not to condemn but to save. 8. For I speak unto the voters of Britain, and I sayeth that We Are Listening Again, and that thou shouldst give Labour a fourth Term, for I am The Tone and my grin runneth over, and thou shouldst listen unto The Tone even in your time of darkness and vote Labour.

9. And Lo! The Electorate didst hear the honeyed words of The Tone, and they saw that his grin runneth over, and they saw that orange was the Hue of the Tone, for he had spent much time in the sun on his Tonely mission of personal enrichment. 10. And the Electorate spake unto the Tone, and the Electorate said unto him, fuck off back to Tuscany and take the wide-mouth frog with you, you gurning orange twat, because we haven't forgotten the WMD, and the spin, and the lies, and the sexed-up dossier, and you know what? We won't ever forget that. 11. And The Electorate spake again unto The Tone, saying, we remember everything from the last thirteen years, and nothing you can say will persuade us that Labour are electable, and thus shall we cast Labour into the Wilderness.

12. And The Tone did harken to the voice of the Electorate, and Lo! The Tone did fuck off back to Tuscany with the wide-mouth frog. 13. And The Tone did smile, for in these darkened times he had ensured that Labour wouldst be cast unto the Wilderness, and his vengeance upon the wonky-jawed fuckwit was complete.

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Brennig said...

I fucking hate that slimey smarmy bastard more than words can even come close to capturing.

PT Barnum said...