Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Government Introduce Election Security Measures

Security from terrorism: Of course there's a threat, Citizen. Be afraid, and do not question.

The Government have announced further security measures in the run-up to the General Election, citing fears of terrorist attack.

The news comes in the wake of calls from MPs of all parties to conduct a full review of the security laws implemented following the 9/11 attacks.

In declaring a temporary state of emergency after the September 11 attacks, the Government was able to legally set aside some of its Human Rights obligations under the European Convention. Since then hundreds of articles boosting the power of police and security services have been passed.

The announcement of new security measures was made by Injustice Minister Laventiy Straw, who said that information received from 'reliable sources' justified an increase in the Alert State to 'Totalitarianism For Your Own Good', up from 'Barely Credible Scaremongering'.

Mr Straw rejected the call for an enquiry from the Joint Committee on Human Rights, citing National Security concerns, and said that the current terror threat required greater vigilance and security measures to ensure the safety of British citizens.

Mr Straw said, "Despite our best efforts, there is still an ongoing, real and imminent terrorist threat which threatens our very way of life. It is clear that blanket CCTV coverage, indiscriminate stop-and-search, DNA databases, detention without charge, extending the right of espionage to everyone from PCSO's to lollipop ladies and even radio advertisements encouring people to spy on their own neighbours is insufficient to protect the people from the ongoing, real and imminent terrorist threat which exists, despite there having been no attacks since 2005, which is all down to our legislation. Honest. And we have credible reasons to believe that there is an ongoing, real and imminent threat of terrorist attack to disrupt the General Election and try to stop us winning.

"Therefore, it is right that we act to prevent disruption by ongoing, real and imminent terrorist threats by introducing legislation under the temporary state of emergency, that ensures nobody is placed at risk."

Under the new rules announced by the Injustice Minister, all public gatherings will be banned to reduce the risk of attack by suicide bombers. Instead, all political campaigning will be carried out by the BBC, monitored by a Government committee to ensure impartiality and that no information is imparted which may be of use to terrorist groups including Al Qaeda, The English Defence League and the Conservative Party.

Additionally, there will be no Polling Stations on Election Day, as these are believed to be at high risk of terrorist attack. Instead, all registered voters will be sent a Postal Vote card, which will be collected on Polling Day by specially-vetted Labour Party activists, and the collected Postal Votes will then be counted in secret to prevent terrorist attacks on counting stations.

Mr Straw added that he would be keeping the terrorist threat under close supervision in the run-up to the General Election, and would not rule out further security measures including Returning Officers giving the count results in secret, with the results subsequently announced by Government broadcast. The Justice Minister added, "we are confident that these measures will protect British citizens from the ongoing, real and imminent threat of terror, and keep us in powe...sorry...keep everyone safe."

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Uncle Marvo said...

Seems a heck of a lot of effort to protect themselves from one bloke with a Guy Fawkes mask and a barrel of gunpowder.

Now what is really in that barrel?

The Last Of The Few said...

Could be worse, they could enact the civil contingency act should they feel really threatened then maybe no election at all !!!!!

Uncle Marvo said...


Now that I would love them to try.

In the words of CLINT:

"Go on, arsehole. Make our day."

I think even I could rustle up a fullcock revolution based on that.

Dungeekin said...

I wouldn't put it past this Regime.

In fact, I predicted that they'd do it back in September 2008:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three


janina davison-forder said...

oh no ive just seen the news.... the houses of parliament has been fully cordoned off both under and over ground! following the G.I.Forks and various other commando cutlery based movements.
Although , due to the immediate sectioning off , of the area the labour party has becomeentrapped within the govermental grounds.

D.C and co. (the new political pop group) were lucky enough to pop out for an early lunch. this has led to them avoiding unnecessary detainmen. although it seems Mr cameron has caused a major incidentat this time of heightened security...

It was noticed very quickly after he came into view that he had a barrell shaped object protruding from his inside pocket. This was most definetly a gun...or possibly a large havannaha cigar?
the 300 hundred strong combination of policmen and special trained army captains, had no other choice than to fire at mr cameron simultaneously, shooting to kill. They were very much in fear of their own lives as he may have slaughterd them all, or possibly even... broken the rules of the new smoking ban?
However upon squeezing the triggers on their specially adapted fully automatic ak-147 machine guns... there was to be an onslaught of bullet bouncing due to the sheer amount of shrapnel flying in the same direction.

what happened next was a tragedy, although not the fault of the armed forces nor the constabulary in the slightest! The bullets seemed to create an effect much like that of a cluster bomb. This has resulted in all but....
sorry this has resulted in the whole party being wiped out by the weapons , again not the fault of the law enforcers.
Surprisingly some members of the far too liberal party nearby emerged unscathed! When asked how they avoided certain death amongst a violent shower of gun fire..
mr clegg cleared up all the misunderstandings. the party had just been to a health and safety meeting held by the e.u and had quite absent mindedly forgotten to remove thier bullet proof vests.
We have just had news that there is no longer a threat to national security. A team of crack soldiers working with mfi-5 has located the threat and taken the perpentrators into custody.
Oh no what will the p.m think when he sees all this mess?

The Last Of The Few said...

Sadly sadly guys I posted on this as well a few times before.

However Marvo yes...... try it.........there would be hell on