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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Cable to Step Down as MP

Guru Vinsputin giving anyone in earshot the benefit of his precognition.

Liberal Democrat legend Vince Cable is to retire from politics at the next Election, it was announced today.

Mr Cable, who is the Lib-Dem spokesman on financial issues and who is known for being the only Lib-Dem MP anybody can actually remember, made the shock announcement less than 24 hours after his performance on Channel 4's 'Ask The Chancellors' debate.

Speaking at a hastily-convened Press conference, Mr Cable said, "while my decision is tinged with regret, I know that leaving politics is the right thing for me to do. I will therefore be standing down as MP for Twickenham at the next Election.

"My incredible performance in the Debate last night proved, beyond any doubt, that I am right about absolutely everything. I predicted everything, and not just fiscally - while I of course was way ahead of everybody else in predicting the debt crisis*, I also foretold both outbreaks of Foot and Mouth disease, foresaw the tragic death of Diana, correctly predicted the winner of the last three Grand Nationals and have visions of the upcoming National Lottery numbers. I must take my gift of foresight to the masses, and travel the globe as a visionary guru."

Donning a saffron robe, Mr Cable requested that he be referred to as 'Guru Vinsputin' from this point forward, and announced that he would be spending the duration of the Election campaign sitting atop a Scottish mountain, dispensing his wisdom to any and all who sought true enlightenment.

Guru Vinsputin's political opponents have expressed their regret at his decision. However, Shadow Chancellor George Osborne pointed out that despite all his incredible powers of precognition, he'd never ever predicted a Liberal Democrat election victory.

* Except, of course, Oliver Letwin.

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